Where do we go from here?

I officially started miscarrying last night. How do you pick up and move on when the one true shot you ever thought you had at being a mother is literally going down the toilet?

How do I keep going through the motions this week knowing full well that if I peed on a pregnancy test, "Pregnant" would still pop up before my eyes in a matter of seconds?

How do you get on with the rest of your life?

How do you have hope for the future?

How can you go on believing that there really is a God and that your life has any significance to Him when life's events blatantly point out that He could care less?

How could a God who supposedly loves us so much sit by and watch our hearts being broken and simply call it part of "His plan"?

How will I ever believe again that there is power in prayer when we literally had hundreds of people praying for us each and every step of the way, and for what? Breathing the ceremonial sigh of relief only to have the rug swiftly pulled out from under us.

How can I have faith that our last chance at ever becoming biological parents (at least for one of us) will actually work?

How long will it take for me to get through a day without crying and thinking about what could have been, what should have been?

Why do I get no comfort in knowing that I now have TWO angel-babies in heaven instead of here with me?

It's all over...

It's all over...u/s today confirmed the "mass" was the same size or smaller than what they saw three days ago. And our other m/c was exactly two years ago yesterday. I just have no words anymore.

so scared

Things aren't looking so good and I'm unbelievably scared and can't stop crying. I went for ultrasound & bloodwork today. The results of the ultrasound were inconclusive (which I later found out should have been expected due to being so early), as the RE basically saw nothing except something which "may or may not be a gestational sac." So now, we have to wait again until Friday to see what happens. As if I haven't already been tortured enough, my hcg levels still went up according to the bloodwork today, but they didn't double nearly as well as they should have based on last week's doubling rate. A week ago, my level was 241 (quadrupled from original beta) and now it has just barely doubled in an entire week (560). That's just.not.good.

Please pray...
Matthew 6:25-34

Torturing myself

This week has, in my opinion, been far more torturous than all the previous weeks in this IVF cycle combined. The week after the retrieval was kind of aggravating, but I knew the wait was worth it so that we could transfer the embryos that were the "best of the best." The week after transfer was annoying as I analyzed every little twist and turn I made with my body, wondering "Did I just lift something too heavy or make a turn that could harm a possible baby, or (fill in the blank)?"

This week, however is just plain torturous. Knowing that I'm pregnant, but not experiencing any symptoms has been absolutely driving me insane. Every time I feel the slightest bit of wetness in my underwear, I'm rushing to the bathroom to make sure it's not blood. Every time my bbs stop hurting for part of the day, I convince myself that I'm no longer pregnant (like I'm doing right now). To be perfectly honest, I had been feeling more symptoms (maybe they were all psychosomatic?) early on than I do now. I swore I was having indigestion, bloatiness, crampiness, sore bbs & mild nausea, but honestly I'm feeling fine. No fatigue. No morning sickness. No ANYTHING...

What will I do tomorrow if we get to the u/s and there's NOTHING there? THIS is what infertility has done to me...

Here's the verdict...

After reading the input from all of you, I thought long and hard about what to do about my blog. I really appreciated that 2 fellow infertiles, Kara & Amy, who have gone on to find success after infertility, encouraged me to document every single moment of this pregnancy because it will seem to fly by so quickly. I know that I will want to have some way of remembering every tiny twinge, twang, flutter and kick that I feel, so I've decided to start a second blog, The Making of the Scholl Family. I will use that blog as my true pregnancy journal & I'll continue to pick and choose some of the entries to cut & paste into this blog, for those of you who aren't ready for the uncensored pregnancy talk. I hope that's a solution that works for everyone. You're all so valuable to me and I thank God everyday for the amazing friendships I've made in bloggyland!

I've added the link over in my sidebar, under my profile info.

Your Thoughts?

As I'm sure you realize, we are far from being out-of-the woods, as far as this baby (or these babies) are concerned. I'm feeling great & so far, have no symptoms (I think I should be considered 4w5d today) & our 1st u/s is scheduled for Tuesday to see what we can see in there. We're VERY excited, but VERY cautiously optimistic at the same time.

But, regardless of what happens, I need some input from my readers concerning the direction you would like to see this blog take now, particularly those of you who are still in the trenches of infertility. Of course the name of the blog will not change, as I will always remain infertile; however I also remember what it feels like to be one of the ones who is "left behind." I remember how much it hurt and how I felt so certain that my dream to be a mommy would never be realized and I would forever be left behind. I couldn't live with myself knowing that this blog has made someone (especially another infertile) hurt and feel the same way.

At the same time, however, I know that when I was hurting, I did take comfort in knowing that even though these women had struggled and hurt just like I did, they somehow found joy again and eventually saw their dreams come to fruition. Whether it be through adoption like my bloggy buddy Melissa, or adoption & then a surprise pregnancy like my buddy Missy, and the countless other blogs (miracle stories) I follow in my sidebar and in my profile, I have learned that there are many roads that could lead you to the end of your journey.

So here is where I need your help. Where would you like this blog to go? Obviously, I'm not going to be spouting off about my woes of pg symptoms (because I remember how many times I saw other girls complaining and I thought about how I'd give my right arm for their morning sickness and round-ligament pain), but I also know the reality that it would be very hard not to talk about a pregnancy at all...and I don't want to lose any of you as readers, so I would greatly appreciate an email or comments about the new path that this blog will take.

Thank you for your continued prayers!

Wordless Wednesday

(If you're my friend on FB, don't mention anything there, please! We're waiting to tell the rest of my family (more than just parents) for a couple of weeks.)

Negativity is creeping in

I think there comes a point when no matter how much hope you have, negativity and doubt will always find a way to creep on in. That's where we sit now. 3dp6dt (IVF lingo for 3 days past our day 6 transfer) and feeling nothing...not that I necessarily should be...but I can't help but be anxious, nervous and scared for what lies ahead. Please be relentless in your prayers...

Transfer day

Today was our transfer day & everything went smoothly (minus my over-full bladder that I had to go partially empty - yeah, that was fun!). We transferred two beautiful embies & we've got 2 put away to freeze. We were kind of disappointed that there were only two embies left to freeze, but we keep telling ourselves that waiting until day 6 has weeded out any that wouldn't have survived the freeze/thaw process anyway, so we're saving "the creme of the crop!"

We've decided that we're not sharing the date of the beta with anyone at this time. With infertility, after sharing your hoo-ha with everyone and their brother, there is so little that is sacred, secret or special. Just rest assured that we will keep you all posted when we're ready to share the news (good or bad)!

Without further ado, here are the stars of the show...embies #16 & 19

Transfer time!

The moment we've all been waiting for! We got the call this morning to tell us that transfer day will be TOMORROW (Sunday), making it a day-6 transfer! I'll be honest and say that I was really hoping it would be today (so my babies could be with ME instead of in a petri-dish in a lab), but I trust that the embryologists make these decisions to the fullest of their ability, so I won't second guess that tomorrow is the right choice for us.

I'll try and check back in tomorrow from my self-imposed state of bed-riddenness (for a day). I'm sure I'll have my laptop by the bedside if anyone wants to drop me a note or words of encouragement (*wink, wink, nudge, nudge*)! I truly have the best bloggy buddies!

No news...

For once, I can actually say that this time around, no news is good news! Yesterday morning, we got the call that we had been pushed out to have a day 5 (or possibly day 6) transfer! Basically, that meant that on day 3, our embies were still dividing (some taper off by this point, or at times, there aren't enough viable ones to warrant waiting an extra two days to transfer the best ones). Being pushed out to day 5 allows the embryologists to determine which ones are really the "rock star embryos" (aka better quality), which would have a greater chance of becoming a viable pregnancy. Sooooo, in other words, we wait...they'll call me tomorrow morning sometime to let us know if we need to come in tomorrow afternoon or if we wait until Sunday.

It's been kind of annoying to wait since MONDAY, but I know that this is the good kind of waiting, so I'm trying to be patient. I went to work in my classroom a couple of times to keep myself occupied. I set up all my bulletin boards (maybe I'll post some pics soon) since it wouldn't be such a great idea to stand up on chairs and tables in the next two weeks. I've also been catching up on some housework. I vacuumed & mopped & cleaned all of the bedding...AND I got 5 lesson plans done for my grad class (moms of preschoolers/kindergartners, or teachers, leave me a comment if you want me to send you the lessons for fun game ideas!)! See? I can be productive when I want to!

I also made Candi's spaetzle to go with dinner (leftovers) tonight & it was awesome! I could have eaten the whole bowl & between the two of us, we almost did! Check it out! Yum!

Keep those prayers rolling in! I'll keep you posted!

Fertilization report is IN!

Sorry to keep you all waiting...

You're never going to believe this...

Of the 36 eggs retrieved, 30 were mature!!! Of the 30 mature eggs, they did ICSI on all of them and......


ALL 30 fertilized! We now have 30 embryos waiting for us in a petri dish!!

I cried, Becki cried, DH almost cried...it's a great day! I go for b/w & u/s tomorrow, but I won't get official word on when transfer will be until Thursday morning. My guess is that we're looking at a day 5-6 (Saturday/Sunday) transfer!

KEEP THOSE PRAYERS COMING! THEY WORK WONDERS!

B is absolutely amazing!

I don't have a ton of time to update...I have to run out the door in about 5 minutes to go get my first PIO shot from my nurse co-worker, but I wanted to keep all my bloggy-buddies in the know...

Today was an awesome day! G & I left the shore house around 7:30 this morning & made it to the RE's office around 10. B had been there since 8:15AM, but she had already been taken back to be prepped for the retrieval by the time we got there, so we communicated via text until she got taken back. Around 11, G was called back to give his sample & then about 30 minutes later, I got a text from B that brought tears to my eyes...it simply said "They got 36 eggs!!!!" It's enough to make this 3-egg-producing girl shout for joy! Seriously - that girl is the most fertile infertile I've ever seen! She came out just minutes later & we saw she & her hubby off (she was in pain and just wanted to lie down in the car and relax).

The fert report should be in tomorrow & then we're looking at a transfer on either Thursday or Saturday...with a slight possibility of Sunday. Please keep praying! God is in control and God is GOOD!

Monday is THE DAY!

We just got a call from the nurse that Monday is THE DAY (THE DAY, being egg retrieval day!). We couldn't be more excited! B texted me this morning saying that at her ultrasound today, they found 20 on the left and 12 on the right, with about 12 at 15mm or greater (mature). She will take her trigger shot tonight & retrieval will take place at 10:30 Monday morning!!!!!! Please pray & tell everyone you know to pray! More updates to follow!

Happy Anniversary!

Five years ago today, I married my best friend. Happy Anniversary, G!

Rock-star ovaries & some pics!

Not only is B an angel, but apparently she's got rock-star ovaries, as well! At her first follicle check today, they found 17 follies moving & grooving in there! We are ecstatic to say the least! I go back tomorrow for more u/s & b/w. I emailed the nurse about having my TSH checked since I've been on thyroid meds since December or so & I wanted to make sure that my levels are ok at the time of transfer (since TSH abnormalities are linked with early miscarriage). She noted that my levels haven't been checked since February & that she would add it to my bloodwork order tomorrow. She did say that they would monitor it very closely after a positive pregnancy test, but I don't want to wait that long to make sure that everything is ok...there is just way too much riding on this & I know I would hate myself if I didn't try and make sure everything was as perfect as it can be, come time for transfer!

And since I obviously forgot to do this last week, here are some pics from last weekend's wedding!! We had a great time dancing the night away!

First, Jenna & I getting the centerpieces ready, moments before the ceremony started!

Michelle & Jenna (my cousins) with their significant others, with G & I

Gregg hanging out with his two favorite girls after the ceremony!
Jenna & me hanging out waiting for more post-ceremony pics (would you ever know we're 11 years apart in age??)
The Happy Couple!!

Dancing the night away!

PS - this is my 200th post!! AMAZING! Thanks to those who've stuck with me through thick and thin!

Menu Plan Monday

I should have just attached this to yesterday's post since I pretty much know what we'll (we?? I mean, I'll) be making anyway, but here goes... (PS - if you're visiting here from OrgJunkie, please read my last post & pray for us!! Thank you!!). You'll see a lot of repeat recipes from last week because we just never ended up getting to a few of them (other things came up, etc) & recipes got shifted around to different days.

Sunday - Stromboli, peas, oven-roasted zucchini & fresh pineapple
Monday - leftovers (stromboli, enchiladas - don't worry we didn't end up having them until later last week than we had planned, so they're not old & gross!)
Tuesday - Grilled Coconut Chicken
Wednesday - Pot Roast in the Crock pot (Just coat the meat with a packet of Lipton Onion Soup mix, pour a bit of beef broth in the bottom & throw in some chunks of celery, carrots, potatoes & onions...I'll put the leftover meat & juices in the freezer to make vegetable soup next week!)
Thursday - Going out for Japanese Hibachi for our anniversary!!!
Friday - Our Anniversary!! Hopefully going to the shore for a few days!!

Let the madness ensue!!!

As of Friday, the madness (that is IVF) has officially begun! G & I had to drive to New Jersey (about 1.5 hours) at the crack of dawn for bloodwork (both of us) and an ultrasound (me). They said that everything looks good, except that I've got a bit of free-fluid hanging out in my uterus. The doctor said that it is normal & there is nothing that they can do for it, but that they do hope to see it go away before we get to the transfer date, so PLEASE pray about that for us! It isn't that the fluid would necessarily decrease our chances of implantation, but it certainly won't help & they're just hoping for a clean, plump uterus to accept the little embies!!

In other related news, B started her stims (ovary-stimulating meds) on Friday!! This is like THE BIG STEP in an IVF cycle. At her first (baseline) ultrasound on Friday, they found about 10 little eggs just hanging out!! And that was UN-stimulated!! They said that by the time she gets the stims in her, we could hope/expect to find about 20 of the little buggers going to town in there! We are so blessed! B goes back for another ultrasound on Monday and I go on Tuesday! Please continue to pray!

G & I have been throwing around a few ideas of what to give B as a gift. When it comes right down to it, nothing really seems appropriate or meaningful enough to reciprocate the miraculous opportunity she is giving us. Her enthusiasm & generosity have given us something that we haven't had much of over the past four years...HOPE. Finally, last night, the idea came to me (after some great suggestions from my online IF group girls) to call on my bloggy buddy Melissa for some help - and help she has! Despite the fact that she's on a jewelry-making break for the summer so she can spend time with her loved ones, she has GENEROUSLY offered to make a Hope Bracelet for us to give B. It will match the one that she made for me a year or so ago, which I won from her in an online contest! Please check her out for all your custom-jewelry needs (starting in late August when she returns from her break). She really is an amazing person!!

And finally, I was looking through my blog archives & I found this post, which seems appropriate for the theme of Hope we've got going on today. Enjoy!

MPM and IVF w/ DE update!

Hey! We're back from the whirlwind weekend of wedding duties (so much fun! pictures to come!) and 3 softball games for G yesterday! His team won the church league championship, so that was quite exciting...and the victory was especially sweet because they beat the one team in the league who consistently shows bad attitudes and tries to cheat every year (yes, this is church softball and no, I am not kidding!)

It's been a while since I've done an MPM, so I thought I would get back into it this week... I love having my menu all set out ahead of time, but we've been in and out of the house so much lately that it's been hard to get it all pulled together...so without further ado, here is this week's menu plan!
Monday - Meatloaf, baked potatoes & fresh green beans (recipe below)
I'll also be making my famous Buffalo Chicken Dip tonight for G to take as a snack at his grad class tomorrow!
Tuesday - Sticky coconut chicken & rice
Wednesday - Easy Chicken Enchiladas
Thursday - Pot Roast & veggies in the crock pot
Friday - Vegetable soup (made from leftover pot roast)
Saturday - homemade stromboli

As for our IVF cycle, I've been on Lupron (aka Loopy Lupron) for just over a week now & it truly is making me crazy! Yesterday, on the way home from my parents' house, I felt so nervous/anxious the whole time & started crying at random (and non-emotion-evoking songs) on the radio. I truly am going nuts. Thankfully, I had an ultrasound & bloodwork this morning & am now advised to knock my dosage back from 20 units to 5 & also to start my estrace! My donor (B) goes for her first ultrasound on Friday & then should be good to go to start her stims!!!!! G & I also have bloodwork on Friday (and I have an ultrasound as well) & then a meeting with the lawyer to pick up our paperwork/contract for B to sign.
Afterwards, we think we're going to treat ourselves to breakfast/brunch & a matinee of the new Harry Potter movie!!! Please continue to pray! It means the world to us!!

The Best Meatloaf You'll Ever Taste:
2 lb ground beef
1 packet Lipton onion soup mix
1 cup bread crumbs/oatmeal/cracker crumbs (any combination will work great!)
2 eggs
2 tsp. salt
1/2 c milk
1 small onion chopped fine
1 T ketchup

Combine all ingredients & shape into a loaf in a loaf pan or in a casserole dish with a drip pan. Smear a bit of extra ketchup over the top. Bake at 350 for 1.5 hr. Let rest 5-10 minutes before cutting!

We have officially begun!

As of Sunday, our IVF w/ DE cycle has officially started! I began my injections of Lupron & today will be my last day taking the BCP (thank goodness because I'm breaking out and gaining weight something AWFUL!). B starts her Lupron today & goes next week for her first (baseline) ultrasound. I will also be going for an ultrasound on Monday & then G & I have to go for some bloodwork next Friday.

As everything comes together, I keep getting more and more nervous...I've been through this whole process three times before and each and every time just brought more heartache and disappointment. Even with B's infectious enthusiasm and optimism, I am still having a hard time being positive and upbeat. I have been telling myself (in the months leading up to this) that I would keep an optimistic attitude and only focus on the positives...but, well...if you've been through the whole she-bang before, you know that it's really difficult to do. You know how much is riding on the success of the procedure, but you're also acutely aware of the statistics. And I don't even have to make mention of the fact that if this doesn't work, we will no longer have any money left in our pockets to even think about starting to adopt...

So that's where I am right now...wanting so badly to be optimistic, but still aware of that nagging sense of doubt that always manages to creep in. I continue to pray each day that this would be our time and things would finally start to go our way. I'll keep the updates coming!