Tuesday, July 26, 2011

She's baaa-ack!

The title of my post is very telling....the first post-partum arrival of a certain monthly visitor signals both that my body has returned to its "normal" self (thus thrusting me back into the lonely world of infertiles), and that I must therefore make this long over-due appearance on my IF blog. Not that I've ever truly left the world of infertiles, truth be told. But I now enter into a new phase of the journey - secondary infertility. Will we ever pursue treatments again? Doubtful unless we win the lottery...but even though we're perfectly happy as a family of three, I would be hard-pressed to say that my heart feels our family is complete.

So we are back to the same old place again - stuck between a rock and a hard place. TTC on our own which is basically about the worst odds we could ever have (I think anyway - others don't seem to agree with me), contemplating adoption (and again, wondering how we could possibly afford that), and praying for God's patience, peace and provision.

The only difference is...Hadley. Yes, she IS our pride and joy. It still doesn't seem real most days that she is really ours - we get to keep her - and raise her - and love her! What an awesome, amazing, HUGE responsibility. After nearly 5 years (by the time she was actually in our arms), I guess it will take longer than 8 months for it to actually feel like reality!

My online girls and I were talking the other day about how girls who are TTC#1 (with IF) likely perceive girls who are TTC#2 (with secondary IF) - chime in if you fall into either of these categories, please. It sparked quite a debate amongst us (all of whom have at least one child after struggling with IF), which is definitely understandable given the sensitive nature of the topic. A good friend actually brought up the valid point that in many ways secondary IF can be more difficult. Secondary IF tends to be a lonelier place since you rarely get the emotional sensitivity from people that you would get with primary IF, with the thought that "at least you have your baby now." It's hard for the primary IF girls to identify with us because all they can see is our baby; they feel that we've been rescued from the trenches. And I will agree that in many ways we have - but the same emotions are there; the same visions of our "perfect little family" that we had envisioned since we were little girls are still shattered by the reality of our malfunctioning bodies and empty pocketbooks.

I know I've blogged about the stupid, insensitive things that people say to women suffering from infertility before...but after talking with my secondary IF friends, it appears that those dumb comments don't stop just because you've had a baby! Secondary infertility is incredibly hard in a way that is so much different than us primary IF-ers can ever understand (I typed "us" before I realized that I am now technically in the category of secondary IF-ers - again, not used to the idea that I'm actually a mom & have moved on from the primary IF title). You get the normal stupid IF comments (it will happen if it's meant to happen, just relax, etc) compounded with the stupid comments reserved only for those ppl with secondary IF ("I bet little H would love a little brother or sister," "well at least you have your daughter, you should be thankful for that!," etc.) and people again don't realize how hurtful they are being.

And I would be remiss if, while talking about the stupid things people say, I didn't mention what one of G's co-workers said to me a few weeks back. As you know, we've been very open with our IF struggles and the measures (in this case, donor egg) that we went to in order to finally get our little miracle. Well, I was at Gregg's grade-level picnic & one of his co-workers came over while I was holding Haddy. She was saying how cute she was & then proceeded to ask me who I thought she looked like. Of course, I said that we all think she is a mini version of her daddy, as she looks just like him. Dumb co-worker then responds: "that's what I thought, too, but I didn't know what the mom looked like."

**crickets chirping**

Even just typing this out now, my jaw is dropping to the floor - I still can't believe she said that. Of course, I didn't miss a beat and just politely glazed over her sheer stupidity and reiterated that no, of course Haddy looks exactly like her Daddy - all the while wanting to punch her in the face. I labored all day and pushed this little girl into this world for two hours (sans drugs, might I add) - *I* am her mom!

So, that's where we are right now! Stuck somewhere between infertility and success after infertility. I'm glad to be back!