Happy Anniversary!

Five years ago today, I married my best friend. Happy Anniversary, G!

Rock-star ovaries & some pics!

Not only is B an angel, but apparently she's got rock-star ovaries, as well! At her first follicle check today, they found 17 follies moving & grooving in there! We are ecstatic to say the least! I go back tomorrow for more u/s & b/w. I emailed the nurse about having my TSH checked since I've been on thyroid meds since December or so & I wanted to make sure that my levels are ok at the time of transfer (since TSH abnormalities are linked with early miscarriage). She noted that my levels haven't been checked since February & that she would add it to my bloodwork order tomorrow. She did say that they would monitor it very closely after a positive pregnancy test, but I don't want to wait that long to make sure that everything is ok...there is just way too much riding on this & I know I would hate myself if I didn't try and make sure everything was as perfect as it can be, come time for transfer!

And since I obviously forgot to do this last week, here are some pics from last weekend's wedding!! We had a great time dancing the night away!

First, Jenna & I getting the centerpieces ready, moments before the ceremony started!

Michelle & Jenna (my cousins) with their significant others, with G & I

Gregg hanging out with his two favorite girls after the ceremony!
Jenna & me hanging out waiting for more post-ceremony pics (would you ever know we're 11 years apart in age??)
The Happy Couple!!

Dancing the night away!

PS - this is my 200th post!! AMAZING! Thanks to those who've stuck with me through thick and thin!

Stressful Week & Camping Updates!

First, let me say that I got a follow-up call from Bed, Bath & Beyond the other day from one of the District Customer Service reps. She asked when I had visited the store because she was attempting to figure out who the clerk was in order to get her some further training...She apologized profusely & asked if there was anything that she could do for us because she didn't want to lose our business. I definitely could have milked it for all it was worth, but I'm not that kind of person (even I would never want a freebie at someone else's expense)...especially since G & I were laughing about it...but it was really nice to get the call & know that they do care about the quality of service that you receive at their stores!

In other news, this past week has been one of the most stressful ones in a long time, which would explain why there haven't been blog posts updating on things in life, camping, etc. The RE's office called us on Monday night to inform us that while they were incorrect with their call the week prior telling us that we owed for pre-screenings, they still did need to collect for B's required FDA screenings in the amount of ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS. I thought I was going to die. I vented to the billing lady on the phone saying that I know it isn't her fault but how is it possible that these expenses were never outlined to us from the get-go...she was incredulous that we had never been given an itemized list of costs. Then I started crying on the phone telling her that I didn't know if we would be able to remain a part of the study. This "free" study, which was only supposed to cost us a "couple thousand" in screening costs has ended up racking up $6000 in bills when all is said and done. That just does NOT sit well with me. I also vented to a nurse at the office that if we had known it would cost that much, we might as well have gone through an agency. That would have saved me all the hassle of finding a donor & lining up somewhere for her to go for distance monitoring. So I hung up the phone, told G & cried some more. His parents ended up finding out about it and offered to give us some money so that we could finish out what we've started. We are eternally grateful...

THEN, Wednesday, I got an email from the nurse telling me that she received the consents that we signed & sent back in, however the envelope was not addressed specifically TO HER & it ended up getting opened at the front desk & being given to the research team. The research team would not accept it because it is actually supposed to be signed in-office & then witnessed by the nurse...which, of course, I was never told! I ended up having to re-print the paperwork out, get DH's signature & spend $13 to mail it out Express so that it would be there the next day (Thursday, the last day before their long holiday weekend) in order to be able to start meds on Sunday to keep on schedule. Again, I cried and got mad and thought I was going to lose it on someone at the office (specifically the nurse). You can BET that, when all is said and done, we will be sending a letter to the office manager, detailing all of the issues, miscommunications and lack of organization that we have had to deal with over the past few months. Please pray for us!

Last but not least, let's lighten the mood with a list of fun times from camping (the first 9 are due to G & J pretending they were Harry Potter characters pretty much the entire time...let me remind you that they are 29 & 18 years old!!):
British accents
Patronus
Leaky cauldron
Ron, Luna, Professors Lupin and McGonnagal (sp), and Hermione
Hagrid and fang
Dennis creevy aka creepy Joe
chamber of secrets
stupify, lumos, and all the other spells
dark forest
Frisbee golf
screaming in the bathroom (I told Jenna that she had 'sunburn' on her head and she thought I said that she had 'something' on her head and she started screaming like crazy)
fishing
pancake rock
Recycle Bin Ball
"you scared the poop out of me!"
aunt chris yelling at us for saying sucks
cheating at phase 10 (Gregg and Jenna cheated pretty much the entire game so that Jenna could win)
uno
farting
yummy mountain pies
teri's creepy voice-"I like what you're wearing"
popping lids off bottles (pretty much making bottle-rockets out of water-bottle lids)
long johns
crossing the dam
bridge run
Jenna ordering ice cream in a British accent

Check out our video!!

Good times to come!

Tonight, G & I are off to a Phillies game in the city - we go a few times every season and I'm excited to head back tonight! After the game, we'll come back home to sleep & then head out for central PA in the morning! We'll be gone for a week to visit with family, attend my *little* cousin's graduation party (I say *little* because she's at least half a foot taller than me!) and go on our annual camping outing with my parents (and the same cousin, J).

Over the years, J & G have become quite the duo...they make silly videos, take crazy pictures, roll down hills together & make everyone laugh! Let's just say that camping is NEVER boring when the two of them are involved! We've got stories to tell EVERY time (the camper breaking?, skunks "fighting" outside our camper at night?, G & J burning random stuff in the fire?), so I'm hoping that J will be a guest blogger for me when we return (and of course, there will be plenty of silly pictures & videos to share)...

Let me include some pics from past camping trips - I hope you'll join us for the fun when we return!

G & I cooking some food

G & I on the Dam

G, J & I - We LOVE HER!

G, J & I and another younger cousin, M (who usually comes along, but not this year)

Weekend-O-Fun

Our Annual (almost the) end-of-the-school year weekend of fun is upon us and I couldn't be more excited! Every year for the past few years, we pack up the car for G's parents' shore house and we host all of our friends from G's work & his coaching buddies. The weekend usually involves board games (Apples to Apples and Loaded Questions are some favorites), the beach (of course!), outdoor games (horseshoes & the PVC pipe frisbee game!), and consuming large quantities of alcohol...I will have you know that I usually stick with a wine cooler, sparkletini, or maybe an appletini...I am definitely the soberest (is that a word) one at the end of the night (I'm a total lightweight!)! However, I've been pulled through the wringer several times by the RE's office this week...I told G today that I need a massage...he thinks that I need a drink instead!

Last year's trip included our friend Mark losing his wedding band in Davy Jones's locker, with a trip to the 5 & 10 store to follow in which they came back armed with kiddie snorkels and shovels in hopes of finding it (no luck, however). This year, he will have to remember to keep his ring in the beach bag. Last year's trip also involved a game of cops & robbers (or was it cowboys & indians?) with the (intoxicated) boys around 3 in the morning. I am happy to say that my husband did not partake in the re-enactment.

I've been prepping food for the past few days, doing a few things here and there. I browned up ground beef & boiled & shredded some chicken today. Those will go into a lasagna, a Chicken Broccoli lasagna & my famous Buffalo Chicken Dip. I also made some garlic butter to go on a loaf of French bread, so we can have garlic bread with our lasagna on Saturday. Our friends are bringing baked goods & snacks, taco fixings for tomorrow's dinner, cookout goodies for Saturday's lunch & pretty much anything and everything you can imagine! Basically a weekend of indulgences, which we will pay for come Monday...I can hardly wait!

Being Thankful...

Lord knows I have so many things to be thankful for...I realize that I probably spend so much time on here griping about what I DON'T have that I must sound like an ungrateful little brat...but I really DO want to take the time to tell everyone how thankful I really am for all of the blessings I have...

My top 10 things to be thankful for this holiday season...
10. Internet friends - when life has got you down, you can trust your internet friends to pick you up. THANK YOU! You will never really understand how much your emails and blog comments of encouragement and sympathy really mean.
9. Our Health - aside from my broken, whacked out reproductive system, we are both very fortunate to have our health. We're alive, able to walk, breathe and work. What a blessing!
8. My kitty - since we have no children of our own, Faithy has filled the spot well for the past 5 or so years. She's quirky, fat, and scared of everything, but I love her to pieces!
7. Finding my earring yesterday - ok - I know - this one seems so strange, but it was totally a God thing, therefore I must write about it. On Tuesday evening, I put my hand up to my ear and realized that my three-stone-diamond earring was missing. I wear both of my pairs of earrings (the other being white gold hoops) non-stop. I don't even take them out to sleep in. They've been in my ears pretty much continuously for years. I don't even think I'm aware how often I put my hands up to my earlobes to make sure the earring backs are tight, etc., so when I realized the earring was missing, I was, in short, freaking out! I searched the entire house, inspecting every hair, dust bunny, or thread that caught my eye on the floor, but to no avail. G was very gracious about the whole ordeal, but I was so upset and emotional about it all (see item #2 on this list). I assumed the earring was gone for good. Yesterday, I went to work as usual & was talking to the first little girl who arrived at daycare when something caught on the floor caught my eye. Lo-and-behold! It was my earring...despite the fact that the area had been vacuumed the night before, the earring somehow remained, albeit somewhat worse for the wear. I took it to the jewelry store after work and got it straightened out & the back replaced, only to have G find the backing on the bathroom floor yesterday night. I had managed to go from our bathroom the whole way to work without the earring falling out! Wow! I don't think I could ever be that fortunate again!
6. Real life friends - Although it is so hard to keep in touch and keep up the kind of relationships that we used to have, I do cherish my real-life friends. We try to keep in touch via phone, facebook & occasional get-togethers (yay!), but it's kind of sad that I can honestly say that I don't have any friends here like the ones I made back home. I have a few people from G's work that I hang out with, but I know they don't know me in the same way as my "old friends" do...especially my high school & TAGG friends. So, if you're reading, I miss you terribly!
5. My job - Even though my current position (well, actually just the 3-year-old portion of it) frustrates.me.to.death, I know that I am very fortunate to be working, especially with our economy and many people being laid off, etc. My 4-year-olds are amazing & they make coming to work (at least 3 days a week) a true joy!
4. My family - G & I are both blessed with wonderful parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, & extended families. Both sets of our parents have provided & continue to provide for us in so many ways. They are such blessings!
3. Our new home - With the economy being the way it is, we were so fortunate to be able to sell our old home (in a month!) and comfortably settle into our new home this year. It was a completely unexpected turn of events that started back in April, but we could not be happier to be in our own little dream home!
2. Gregg! - G is definitely the one person in this world who "gets me." Even though he rolls his eyes when I'm overly emotional (who me?) and frustrates me to all-get-out with his ridiculous coaching schedules (let's not open THAT can of worms! k?), I do know that he's always there for me and truly wants me to be happy (not that it's all about me or anything). He's so silly & has a quiet, cheesy sense of humor that puts me into hysterics sometimes...yep, I think I'll keep him!
1. God! - I've been kind of a wayfaring follower lately. Personal issues with our infertility (and finances related to infertility), my job, and our infertility (wait? did I already mention that?) have really not been good for our relationship. I know I'm just lost right now & eventually, I'll find my way back to Him...but the wonderful part is that God knows where I'm at even when I'm lost...that little light is flickering in there somewhere & eventually, I'll have the strength to make it burn again...but for now, He's holding onto me by a thread & for that, I'm thankful.

What is wrong with me????

I've been spending some time over the past few days reading through the blogs of friends and acquaintances that I've known from my time working on a youth & children's ministry team back home, as well as fellow Christian bloggers that I've met along the way since I've begun blogging myself. Their blogs are full of inspirational life events and stories of how they can feel God leading them through life's journey and the plan that He has set out for them. Their faith is so huge and so real. Some of their stories are so compelling and transparent that it's plain to see that there's definitely great things happening through them...

On the other hand, though, their stories make me so incredibly sad. Sad, because that used to be me. I used to be that girl with the fire for Christ and the insurmountable faith. I was the one who people came to for help, a listening ear, and Christian advice. I was the one who everyone thought had everything all worked out. And then something terrible happened that shattered my faith and broke my strength...and that something is called infertility...and I've never been the same; my faith has never been the same.

I see all of those wonderful people with their huge faith, their huge hearts, and their huge smiles and I feel angry because I wonder what happened to my share? Where's the justice and the equality? If He really is a just God and a good, loving God, how can He continue to watch my pain and suffering for THREE LONG YEARS and do NOTHING? I know that no one, Christian or not, is free from hurt, emptiness and loss, but I can't help but feel like Dorothy when she says that she's certain that the Wizard hasn't got anything inside that black bag for her...My wizard has, it seems, given out his fulfillment of prizes and I'm left to watch all of the others relish in the joy and wonder of their new-found gifts.

Then, of course, the more (or possibly less?) rational side of me pipes up and tries to convince me that I somehow did something to deserve this fate. I mean, after all, my faith was never as big and convincing as theirs. Maybe God felt that somehow my faith was all a show & an attempt to get a shot at that better life that He promised me would come...but then I read my old journals and realize that no, my faith was indeed real...big & convincing, I don't know, but very real and very personal and heart-felt.

But, the past doesn't matter at this point. What matters is that my faith is small, weak and dying. I haven't prayed or read my bible in the entire two months since my IVF failed. I've been mad at God and waiting for some sort of sign that He cares. I do WANT that huge kind of faith back, but I don't know how to get it. I WANT to believe that He's got something inside that black bag for me, but it hurts to stand by and watch. I WANT to have that relationship with God again, but I also want Him to heal my broken heart, and it just doesn't seem like I can have all of that all at once...please pray, because I truly still do believe in the power of prayer, whether the ones of my heart and mouth are answered is beside the point...

Please pray for my faith...

Ahh the memories

***make sure you read below for my Works-for-me-Wednesday post about fun Easter activities to do with kids!!***
A blogging friend of mine gave me the inspiration for today's post. She wrote about how different sensory elements can trigger memories for you...this caused me to reminisce about the "old days" and good times from back in my youth (because, you know, I'm old now...well, at least my eggs are, but that's a different story from a different post).

I got really emotional as I was thinking of these songs and remembering how much fun I had in my middle & high school years. I was definitely NOT one of those people who sees those years as the toughest in her life and would never go back. If I could take my hubby with me, I would go back to high school in a heartbeat...oh how wonderful it must have been that my biggest worry was who I would be going to the prom with and what grade I would get on the next test...I had awesome friends (ok, so I am not friends with MOST of them now, but we just drifted apart...we really were a great support system back then), and I was so involved in school activities, and I had so much confidence in my abilities. Back then, I LOVED being busy and always having something to do...my how things change...now I love being lazy and having nothing to do...I wish I could regain that energy and get-up-and-go that I had back then!

So without further ado, here are the songs that take me back...

1. Everything I Do, I Do it For You (Bryan Adams) - this takes me back to the 7th grade Spring Dance where I danced my first-ever slow dance with my "boyfriend." Kids...this was before the days of texting and IM that middle-school boyfriends and girlfriends use these days, so when I say that we were going out, it really just meant that we would stand around and hold hands at the recess period at school when the teachers weren't watching...ooh, we were rebels. I remember that I went to his birthday party at the Country Club pool...and I gave him a Barney balloon...because, you know, nothing says "we'll be together forever" like a big, purple dinosaur. Nevermind the fact that he later broke up with me on our monumental 1-month anniversary by telling one of my friends that he wanted to break up with me. I guess he didn't like Barney.

2. Achy-Breaky Heart (Billy Ray Cyrus) - oh yes...this song makes me think of my 13th birthday party. You see, my Dad played in rock cover-bands all through my childhood. It was mostly what we would now consider Classic Rock (.38 Special, Lynard Skynard, Bob Seger), but sometimes they would get so many requests for particular songs out at the clubs where they played that they would eventually give in and learn them. Achy-Breaky is one such song. I wanted to have a major party for my 13th birthday, but we didn't really have a lot of money, so I asked my Dad's band if they would play in our driveway (they always practiced in the garage anyway) and we would pay them in pizza. The result was an awesome party with all of my middle-school friends and extended family dancing in our driveway. There are pictures of my friends and I line-dancing to Achy-Breaky Heart...but thank goodness, I don't have them to show you!

3. Loser (Beck), Brown Eyed Girl (Van Morrison), California Love (2Pac & Dr.Dre), 1, 2, 3, 4 (Coolio) and many more - they make me think of high school post-football game dances. I looked forward to home football games just for the dances...and since I was a rebel, I even snuck into one the year after I graduated...for the record, it's not nearly as much fun after you've graduated.

4. What a Feeling (Irene Cara) - makes me think of high school show choir when I danced & sang this song with one of my best guy friends…and then we did a repeat performance at the prom & had a whole crowd gathered around us cheering…I think they thought we did this spontaneously, but what they don't know won't hurt them!I will definitely be adding more as I think of them...I love to reminisce!

By the way, if you know me, you're on the other end of your computer laughing at the references to me being a rebel...I was anything BUT a rebel, but since none of you know me very well, I can lead you to believe whatever I want!!! Ha!