Friday, July 11, 2008

What is wrong with me????

I've been spending some time over the past few days reading through the blogs of friends and acquaintances that I've known from my time working on a youth & children's ministry team back home, as well as fellow Christian bloggers that I've met along the way since I've begun blogging myself. Their blogs are full of inspirational life events and stories of how they can feel God leading them through life's journey and the plan that He has set out for them. Their faith is so huge and so real. Some of their stories are so compelling and transparent that it's plain to see that there's definitely great things happening through them...

On the other hand, though, their stories make me so incredibly sad. Sad, because that used to be me. I used to be that girl with the fire for Christ and the insurmountable faith. I was the one who people came to for help, a listening ear, and Christian advice. I was the one who everyone thought had everything all worked out. And then something terrible happened that shattered my faith and broke my strength...and that something is called infertility...and I've never been the same; my faith has never been the same.

I see all of those wonderful people with their huge faith, their huge hearts, and their huge smiles and I feel angry because I wonder what happened to my share? Where's the justice and the equality? If He really is a just God and a good, loving God, how can He continue to watch my pain and suffering for THREE LONG YEARS and do NOTHING? I know that no one, Christian or not, is free from hurt, emptiness and loss, but I can't help but feel like Dorothy when she says that she's certain that the Wizard hasn't got anything inside that black bag for her...My wizard has, it seems, given out his fulfillment of prizes and I'm left to watch all of the others relish in the joy and wonder of their new-found gifts.

Then, of course, the more (or possibly less?) rational side of me pipes up and tries to convince me that I somehow did something to deserve this fate. I mean, after all, my faith was never as big and convincing as theirs. Maybe God felt that somehow my faith was all a show & an attempt to get a shot at that better life that He promised me would come...but then I read my old journals and realize that no, my faith was indeed real...big & convincing, I don't know, but very real and very personal and heart-felt.

But, the past doesn't matter at this point. What matters is that my faith is small, weak and dying. I haven't prayed or read my bible in the entire two months since my IVF failed. I've been mad at God and waiting for some sort of sign that He cares. I do WANT that huge kind of faith back, but I don't know how to get it. I WANT to believe that He's got something inside that black bag for me, but it hurts to stand by and watch. I WANT to have that relationship with God again, but I also want Him to heal my broken heart, and it just doesn't seem like I can have all of that all at once...please pray, because I truly still do believe in the power of prayer, whether the ones of my heart and mouth are answered is beside the point...

Please pray for my faith...


Tipp said...

This was so real and honest and beautiful. I think we all go through stages like this, some lasting longer than others'. I think it is important to allow yourself to feel what you feel. You don't have to apologize and God wants you to be honest with Him.

I am praying for you.

Anonymous said...

Praying for you friend. I urge you to cry out to Jesus and just keep on crying until you are completely empty - it's only then that He can fill you up. Although it doesn't seem like it, He's with you through this. He loves you so much. And so do we. Thank you so very much for sharing your heart and being real.

Hafsa said...

When are you going to be in California? Will you be anywhere near Sacramento? we could get together and all four of us (if you're bringing your husband) could have lunch if you're in that area. August in California is HOT! So be sure to pack shorts and tees. I made the mistake of leaving our house this morning with sweatpants! By the time I got home, my legs were begging for air lol. The air is super bad right now because we've been having a lot of forest fires and so our sky looks even more terrible than it usually is :)

p.s. check your email

jasobrow said...

Dear Terri,

I stumbled upon your blog today and I feel your pain. I am 31 and my husband and I have been married for 5 years, but have not been able to have children. We don't know if we will be able to have children, but we do know that the Lord has a special plan for our life. We have friends who are foster parents who may adopt. (The only way they could have children biologically is through IVF, but they have chosen not to use IVF due to the reasons I list below.) We have another couple friend who adopted a son from China. I have a co-worker who is 29 years old, divorced and is adopting a girl from Russia. Morally, we don't believe or accept IVF as a means to conceive children because it is not a natural means to conceive a child and you also have embryo babies that are frozen that you have to contend with. You've probably heard the argument being that you are a Christian. My husband and I have used natural family planning since before we were married and we love it! It has allowed us to communicate as a couple and address our fertility as a couple. A wonderful resource to help with infertility is a center called Pope Paul IV Institute in Nebraska. Here is their website: I would highly recommend them as this place has helped so many couples. Even helped one of the couples at our parish this past year who gave birth to a baby girl!!!

I can hear the pain and suffering in your voice and I will pray for peace in your life. I will pray that you will find joy in life again and let go of your frustration and anger. I just think about how the Lord says in scripture 365 times "Be not afraid!" Let go of your anger. Please don't let it destroy the beautiful lives and marriage that you have. I want what is best for both of you!

In God loves,


Hope2morrow said...

Found your blog through Lost & Found and recently just posted on similar feelings. I'm sorry you are struggling. Infertility can be a monster, but it is nice that we have an outlet to express our feelings.

Good luck on your journey! I'll pray for you and hope you will pray for me too!

Nichole said...

My prayers are so with you right now. I can so relate to your blog! I have my hot and cold spells it seems like every cycle. I just have to keep telling myself that God will reveal reasoning to me someday. I just don't know when.

One of my favorite sayings from the bible is that God never consults our past to determine our future. Infertility is NOT a punishment! You did nothing to deserve this pain and anguish. None of us did.

I constantly pray asking for knowledge, strength, courage, and faith. I will be praying for the same for you! Hang in there!

Kimberly said...

I am praying for you, Teri! Thank you for your honesty and transparency. I felt as if I were reading my own thoughts as I read your post. I just have not had the courage to post them on my own blog.

The IF journey is absolutely the hardest road I have ever walked. I did not understand what it meant to grieve until I began to grieve the loss of so many dreams because my husband and I could not get pregnant. My grief and depression has affected every area of my life, but most of all my faith (at times a mustard-seed was looking pretty darn big) and my marriage. We are pursuing an international adoption, but that has been another huge test of faith. This summer we tried more ARTs all of which failed.

I wish I could meet you so I could tell you in person, "I understand." I know we have never met IRL but please know I pray for you and your husband often. God is faithful always, even when we don't feel it at all.

God bless!

Elizabeth said...

you sweet girl. your honesty is inspirational. you need to pray, pray, pray. when i think back to the times that were the ost difficult (finding out I was infertile) i remember realizing that all ic ould do was pray. pray to the "daddy" God... you need to be open to God as you've just been open to us.

Megan said...

I know this was hard to share, but it sounds like you needed to just open yourself up and put everything out there. I'll be praying for you - that's why God puts people in your life - to support and pray for you when it feels like you no longer can. No matter how you feel, God is still there with you and He knows what is to come and He will guide you through it.
Love you!

Antbebee said...

You and your husband are in my prayers.

My husband and I also went through years of infertility, years of tears & sorrow.
Many times I called out to the Lord, like Hannah in the Old Testament.

The Lord finally did answer our prayers, after 10 years of marriage.
He knows the RIGHT time, the RIGHT place, the RIGHT baby and the RIGHT situation for you as well.

They say that hindsight is 20/20, and I somewhat agree. Looking back, I see that God was preparing me, helping me to grow spiritually. When we go through trials, troubles & temptations, those are the times we pray harder, read the Bible more often, and listen more closely for His whispers of peace and answers.

Isaiah 64: 8 But now, O Lord, thou art our father; we are the clay and thou our potter; and we all are the work of thy hand.

I really appreciate songwriters that truly listen to the Lord when they write songs. These songs truly touch my heart when I am going through troubles and having trouble being patient and waiting on God’s answers. Let God mold you into the Christian He wants you to be. I am proud of you for acknowledging that you are not as close to the Lord as you once were. Just remember that He is always waiting for us to draw close to Him.

He Didn't Throw The Clay Away

Empty and broken, I came back to Him
A vessel unworthy, so scarred from sin.
But He did not despair... He started over again
And I bless the day, He didn't throw the clay away.

Over and over, He molds me and makes me,
Into His likeness, He fashions the clay.
A vessel of honor, I am today,
All because Jesus didn't throw The clay away.

He is the Potter and I am the clay
Molded in His image, He wants me to stay
But when I stumble and fall and my vessel breaks
He just picks up the pieces,
He doesn't throw the clay away.

Over and over, He molds me and makes me,
Into His likeness, He fashions the clay.
A vessel of honor, I am today,
All because Jesus didn't throw the clay away.

A vessel of honor, I am today,
All because Jesus didn't throw the clay away.

Someone To Care

When the world seems cold,
And your friends seem few,
There is someone who cares for you.
When you've tears in your eyes,
Your heart bleeds inside,
There is someone who cares for you.

Someone to care someone to share,
All your troubles like no other can do.
He'll come down from the skies,
And brush the tears from your eyes.
You're His child and He cares for you.

When your disappointments come,
And you feel so blue,
There is someone who cares for you.
When you need a friend,
A friend till the end.
There is someone who's a friend to you.

Prayer Changes Me

1st verse
Lying awake at night
thinking of things beyond my control.
Ready to give up the fight
weary and tired of carrying the load.
I know there's nothing more I can do or say
then God says just give it to me.
Then I whisper a prayer that only he hears
and I rest peacefully.

2nd verse
Troubles somedays seems so long
I can't help but wonder just when they will end.
I know I'm supposed to be strong
but sometimes I don't think I'll ever win.
That's when he tells me you walk without me
but in my strength alone.
And when I began to trust more in him
I can sing a song.

I can pray out loud, or silently.
I can pray standing tall or on my knees.
It really makes no difference
just that prayer is the key.
Cause prayer changes things and it changes me.

It really makes no difference
just that prayer is the key.
Cause prayer changes things and it changes me.

Still praying,

Tara said...

I'm so sorry for your pain.