Life After Infertility

I've been swirling this post around in my head for a while now, trying to make sense of it. Trying to figure out what to write. Trying to figure out if I should write it at all. Truth be told, there really is no life after infertility, or success after infertility, or whatever you want to call it. No matter how you overcome your infertility demons, be it adoption, surgery, surrogacy, IVF or a miracle, nothing can repair the damage done by the countless tears you've cried, the sympathetic looks from friends and family members, the hurtful (though often well-intentioned) comments that people make, the painful pregnancy announcements where you paste the "I'm so happy for you" face on to mask the tears that are welling up behind it, the money you spent on making a baby that you had reserved for a baby. And then there's the weird curve ball that infertility throws at your marriage. When you take those vows, you never realize just how literally God takes them; how he pushes them to their utmost limits & tests you beyond measure.

But then there are the unexpected blessings...the crazy little things that you can somehow appreciate along the crooked & rocky path...and although I never would have chosen this path to parenthood in a million years, I can honestly say that it has made me count my blessings. And I definitely think it will make me a better parent. It has made our marriage so incredibly strong...stronger than any other couple our age that I know, actually. And I've learned about how giving of yourself can change someone's life completely, like Becki did for us. I certainly wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. Finally, there are the friends I've made; you, my bloggy buddies & my IF-support group girls who get "it" more than anyone else possibly could...how could I not admit that I'm at least a little grateful for the hand that I've been dealt?

Do you have blessings to share from your life with infertility?

The Big (LONG) Update (finally!)

It's time to come clean about the big BFP. Though not spontaneous by any means, it is as big of a shock to us as it is to you. Read on...you might want some snacks...it's a long one (some is for self-documentation purposes, so feel free to skim!) Pictures from every ultrasound (and the embryos) can be found at our baby blog: www.schollbaby.blogspot.com

As I mildly hinted back in February, we decided that we were going to do our FET (2 frozen embryos from our donor egg cycle in July 2009) in March. We decided (after little debate) that we weren't going to let ANYONE in on it, including our parents...after all that we had been through, it was just easier not to have the questions, "when is your shot? how are you feeling? when is your beta? when is this? when is that?," etc, etc, etc...even though of course we know those questions always come out of love and concern. A couple people at each of our workplaces knew, but otherwise, no one! My online infertility girls didn't even find out about it until the evening of the transfer.

On March 18th, I went in to work with G. We were supposed to get the call about an hour and a half before we needed to be at the doctor's office, so there was no way for me to go in to work & still have enough time to meet up with him & leave on such short notice, even though we knew that the call probably wouldn't be made until after 10. Around lunch time, we got the call & they asked if we could be there by 2:00, which was no problem. We ate our lunches, G secured his coverage & then we picked up and left, getting there with plenty of time to spare. They took us back almost immediately and got us set up in our "room" (basically one large room with curtains between each). There were about 4 other couples there. We had elected to receive laser acupuncture both before and after the transfer. It was only an extra $200 and we figured this was our last chance...we would do everything possible to increase our chances of success. It was completely painless and took about 5 minutes. Around 3:00, the RE (Dr. Kim) came in and told us that both of our embryos thawed beautifully (which was honestly the biggest obstacle to pass of the day!). He said that they picked up right where they had left off as far as growing was concerned. By 3:30, we were in and out of the transfer room & I was receiving my 2nd dose of laser acupuncture. After my mandatory 20 minutes rest, G & I made the long (traffic!!!!) trek home with a stop at Wendy's for dinner (because, after all, baby likes HEALTHY food!). By the time we made it home, I barely had any rest time before actual bed time, but G made sure I didn't do too much. I returned to work the next day...my 4-year-olds are easy enough, so I wasn't worried about over-doing it.

We had already made plans to travel up to my parents' house for a family spaghetti dinner that weekend. This meant that, for the first time, I would have to do my PIO shot by myself (G is terrified of needles & passes out - but it's ok - I still love him LOTS!). I was terrified, but my co-worker (former nurse who had been doing my shots for me) guided me through it & watched me do it by myself the next day. She marked out a few spots for me with a Sharpie & I prayed for confidence! The next day, though still extremely nervous, I did it! Complete with finding a good spot (my sharpie marks had washed away!) and drawing back to check for blood! Over time, while doing my own, G became my band-aid man & would stand on the sidelines (not watching) until I was ready for him! Though still not my favorite thing to do (and I'm glad I am officially off of the PIOs), I can do an IM shot like a pro!

So, back to the story...on March 26th, the night before my beta, I went to a social event with my co-workers. While there, I started to feel crampy & went to the bathroom to discover some brownish pink spotting. I was completely miserable the rest of the night (despite the fact that I won 2 prizes while there) & texted G for the duration of the party about how I wanted to come home (I had carpooled with someone else, so I couldn't leave). The next day was beta day and I felt that my fate had already been revealed the night before, but I took a HPT that morning anyway. I couldn't sleep, so I was up way before G. I peed on the stick, waited the obligatory 3 minutes, saw no line & went back to bed. I was so numb. Even though I felt like I had gotten my answer the night before, the blank spot where the line was supposed to be, staring me straight in the face, was like a punch in the gut. Looking back in regular lighting, later in the day (much past the 10 minute window), we could see what MAY or MAY NOT have been a line, but at 9dp5dt, we were looking for a nice, dark line. We kept telling ourselves we were ready to adopt and ready to move on and "just be parents in whatever way we could" but the reality was that those 2 little embies still gave us hope...and try as we might to not get those hopes up, that was virtually impossible.

By the grace of God, I held it together all morning for the blood draw. Several hours later, we got the call that I WAS PREGNANT with a super beta of 163! The nurse on the phone probably thought I was a real witch or something because she told me and I didn't even react - I still could not believe that 2 negatives (spotting and the BFN on the HPT) could equal a positive. I just said "ok" after every statement she said. After I hung up, we were both in shock, but not excited like we should have been. We had been to that place before & we knew better than to get our hopes up prematurely. But we hoped, and we prayed, and we prayed some more.

2 days later (16dpo), I went back for repeat bloodwork & discovered that not only had my number doubled, it had almost tripled to 412! I was beginning to get more excited at this point. However, when I inquired about my progesterone level, which they said looked "good," I discovered that it was low by most RE's standards at 13. So I did what any desperate girl would do. I first called and got my PIO dosage increased (they would only let me do an extra 1/2 mL). I also pleaded for a prescription for progesterone suppositories, but to no avail. So again, I did what any desperate girl would do...please don't tell...I self-medicated. You see, I had some expired progesterone suppositories in my refrigerator & with the help of my enablers (aka my online infertility girls), I started taking them daily for nothing more than some peace of mind. I also begged for a 2nd repeat beta for some additional peace of mind (especially since we were traveling to my parents' house for Easter). Again, I got the call with good news! My beta needed to be at least 1648 to meet the standard 48 doubling time (now at 20dpo) & it came back with a SUPER STAR number of 2379 & my p4 went up to a comfortable (for me) number of 20. Not sure if it was the extra p4 supplementation, but I'll take it. Many of my online girls were thinking twins at that point because my betas were so high...

The day after Easter, April 5th, we went back to the RE for our first ultrasound. We were both terrified, as this was the point in our previous pregnancy where we had the ultrasound and they saw nothing, betas began to decline & we lost the baby. BUT NOT THIS TIME!!! This time we saw ONE beautiful gestational sac with a yolk sac inside! Just what we wanted to see. The PA said it was too early to measure for a due date, but that everything looked just like it was supposed to look (5w2d). My bloodwork also came back stellar with my p4 holding steady at 20 & my beta shooting up to 8067!! In the week between my ultrasounds, I would live on an ultrasound- (and beta-) high for about two days, before reality (and Satan with his doubt) would begin to creep back in. I had no symptoms at that point beyond bigger BBs (although I wasn't complaining about that one)...and I knew that was just from the progesterone.

On Monday, April 12th, we saw and heard one of the most beautiful things in the world...our baby's heartbeat! We were in shock and awe mode. I had myself completely convinced that we would get there and see that the gestational sac and yolk sac had disappeared...G thought I was just being ridiculous & I told him I was glad that he could say "I told you so!" We also saw another mass at the ultrasound which we've determined was likely a 2nd sac that just never developed (considering how high my betas were, this would make perfect sense, since I was right in the average range for twins). Progesterone was holding steady at 20 & hcg rose steadily to 30,896. My TSH came back still slightly elevated (at 3.6) so they increased my dosage a 2nd time & continued to monitor it. The baby measured right around 6 weeks at that time, which was perfect & a HB of 120bpm.

At the 7 week scan (April 19th), they discovered that the 2nd sac had continued to grow. They still saw it as no cause for concern, which was encouraging. We heard the heartbeat again (136bpm) and the baby measured right on target (7w2d). Finally on April 26th, we went for our 8 week ultrasound & for the first time, our baby looked like a baby (or a gummy bear)! The baby measured 2 days ahead (8w4d) & HB was 164bpm! The RE's office "released" me with a really cute ultrasound pic baby card & a stack of pregnancy magazines, though they can't officially release me while I'm still on progesterone (though they actually did since I REFUSED to go cold-turkey so early-on). My TSH went back down to normal levels at 1.86 and they finally gave us a due-date of December 3rd, 2010! And still, our families had NO CLUE.

We traveled up to my parents' house on the evening of my birthday, April 30th. They were throwing a 30th bday picnic (family) for me the following day. My mom & dad were busy getting things ready for the picnic that they were having for my bday. They were both finally in the house at the same time and I told my mom that I wanted her to open her Mother's Day gift (a week early) before she was up to her elbows in something else...my dad almost left but I told him he had to stay. Mom opened the card and started crying (nothing in the card but a sappy little verse) and then she opened the frame and SCREAMED, CRIED & she and my dad made a Teri-Sandwich out of me. My dad cried and my mom sobbed, "This is the BEST MOTHER'S DAY PRESENT EVER"...it was awesome. When she got to the party, we told my little cousin Jenna (19) because she's our bud - she and Gregg always "pretend" they are Ron & Hermione from Harry Potter when we go camping (mainly just finding sticks & pretending they are stupifying each other, or quoting the movie, etc). Gregg asked Jenna if she wanted to be Aunt Jenna or Aunt Hermione - and her eyes got wide and she looked at me & I smiled and she got SO excited & screamed - she had to compose herself before we went back to the rest of the family. My mom showed the frame to the rest of the family after we had eaten & they happily passed it around & congratulated us on the wonderful (and long over-due!) news!

On Tuesday, May 11th, we had a great OB appointment with the heartbeat at 170bpm. The little sucker was in there moving all over the place - it even looked like it was waving at us!!!! The following weekend, we went to the shore with G's family for Mother's Day. Before we went out to breakfast, G gave his mom her Mother's Day gift. His mom was a little confused at first (or we were just confused at what she was asking us)! G's dad is a radiologist, so he looked at the date at the top & saw my name & knew right away what was going on & hugged me immediately. His mom started sobbing and couldn't figure out how we'd been keeping it a secret for so long! We told G's 2 younger sisters and they FLIPPED, then he called his oldest sister and her kids told her that she said Oh My God 21 times! LOL! We emailed the rest of G's brothers and sisters to tell them & we heard back from every single one of them within 12 hours!

We had our NT scan at the Maternal Fetal Medicine unit on the 28th (which was so cool!!). The ultrasound tech got all the measurements (which the doctor said looked normal, putting us at low risk for Downs or Trisomy 18) and then we officially "came out" on Facebook that afternoon! That.Was.Awesome!

And that brings us (finally!) to where we are now, 14 weeks. It's been an insanely long and nerve-racking journey, but we're just thrilled to finally have a chance to experience all of it. The good, the bad & the ugly. I go back to the OB on Tuesday (I'm anxious to hear the HB) and we don't have another ultrasound until the 19th of July (the "big" one)! Please keep us in your prayers!

Sorry to keep you out of the loop

But after 5 years, lots of tears, thousands of prayers & a gift from a very special friend...

I'm GONNA BE A MAMA! I'm 13 weeks pregnant!

Pictures & story to come!

Angels Among Us

Of course after my recent rantings and ravings about how hard Christmases have become, I have to admit that this was honestly the best Christmas that we've had in the nearly 4 years since we've received our IF diagnosis. Not only did I not bawl through the entire Christmas Eve service, but I barely shed a tear (only through the silent prayer time). I was pretty proud of myself...

Santa was also very good to us this year - in more ways than one! We got some nice new clothes, a Swivel Sweeper, some Le Creuset enameled pots (yay!), and quite a few gift cards and money! G also got me a beautiful blue ring, his birth stone! I definitely feel very blessed and extremely spoiled!

But that's not even the best or most amazing part of my Christmas. It seems that yes, Teri, there IS a Santa Claus! Two days before Christmas, I went out to my mailbox and discovered a nice little stack of Christmas cards amongst all the junk mail. One stuck out to me, however, because it was addressed only to me (and not to G as well). I immediately tore into it and could not believe what I saw...It said "Teri - Thank you for keeping the Christmas spirit alive. May all your wishes come true in 2010 ~Santa" and tucked inside were FIVE $100 bills!?!?!?! There was no return address & I don't personally know anyone who lives in the city where it was postmarked...we put a little extra in the plate at church on Christmas Eve and put the rest into the savings account, most likely to help pay for our FET in Feb-Mar & the unexpected property tax bill that we just got. Once we get our tax return back, we will definitely be paying it forward. This is one of those things you hear about in the movies and think it never really happens to "real" people. I am STILL in disbelief.

Random act of Christmas kindness from a stranger? Or a loved one showering us with anonymous (and tricky) blessings? We'll never know...all I know is that there really IS a Santa Claus!!!

Ten Things Tuesday

This week of Thanksgiving always reminds us that we have much to be thankful for...

10. I'm very thankful to have a job...while my boss sometimes frustrates me and the kids sometimes frustrate me and the pay ALWAYS frustrates me, I know that I have something that other people wish they had.

9. I'm thankful for my family - they are so supportive of all our endeavors and in every way they can be.

8. I am thankful for my health. Although the last few weeks have been rough (I've had a cough and haven't been able to hear due to fluid in my ears), I know that my struggles are trivial at best, when compared to the struggles people have daily.

7. I am thankful for my friends...both near, far, internet pals and real-life confidants. They've gotten me through some rough patches.

6. I am thankful for life. After our terrible accident, we see just how fragile it is.

5. I am thankful for my furbaby, Faithy. She keeps me company and shows me she loves me (and I think she knows I need that!!)

4. I'm thankful for our home. We did some painting over the weekend and it looks so awesome! I'm so thankful for all of G's hard work!

3. I'm thankful for my church...although we've only attended once since we did our IVF cycle, some friends from the church continue to reach out and pray for us. We're not in the best of places with God right now (and the holidays always make that harder), but I know this is just a season and our hearts are taking lots of time to heal.

2. I'm thankful that we're never in want of the things we need. While there's always more that we want, we certainly cannot complain!

1. Finally, I am thankful for G. He has been my rock over these past few months. When we had our miscarriage, I know that he was grieving too, but he was my constant and was so strong for the both of us! I thank God everyday for him!

Wow, craziness

As you know, I haven't written in a while because I've been incredibly busy with work and coaching cheerleading....and also because I've been horribly mad at God.

Well, this weekend was a wake-up call. We were in Philly for our niece's 5th birthday party & we left her house a little before 9. We were sitting at a red light. We heard a huge crack like a bomb went off & I looked up at G & I screamed because I saw the car beside us hit into G's side of the car. We immediately heard ppl saying to call 911 (I hadn't yet realized the extent of what had happened), so G & I stayed in the car to call 911 & then got out. We saw about 7 cars involved. A truck had flipped and a guy was partially pinned under it. And there was a small red car that had been very badly mangled. We didn't know what to do (G can't stand the sight of blood and I was too shaken up to do anything but stand there and shake). They got the guy out from under the truck and realized that he was majorly drunk, hadn't been wearing his seatbelt & there was a big hole in his windshield where his head had hit it. Apparently, he clipped a car that was in our lane, but back a ways. Instead of putting on his brakes, he gunned it and plowed right into the red car (the mangled one), and then hit into the other red car, which ran into us. When they asked him if he had been drinking, he stumbled around and said "just a little."

But this story just keeps getting better. People noticed a carseat in the back of the drunk man's truck, so they immediately began asking him if he had a baby with him. He said he had an 11 month old, but it was no where to be found. Finally, they got it out of him that he didn't have the baby with him. He had left him/her at home.....ALONE. In this case, I think bad parenting saved that child's life because the car seat wasn't installed properly and was hanging out of the window. That baby would have been dead.

We ended up staying at the scene until after 11PM. They had to tow my car, but they couldn't call the tow service in right away because they had CSI ppl there taking a million pictures and using spray paint to mark exactly where everything was in case the passenger in the car dies & the drunken idiot gets pressed with vehicular manslaughter (as he should).

Luckily, G's parents had left the party just before us & were headed down to the shore, so we called them right away & they came to wait with us & then took us to the shore with them for the night. We drove back (in their car) today and will borrow it until we figure out what is going on.

Here is the news story associated w/ our accident:
http://www.phillyburbs.com/news/local/courier_times/courier_times_news_details/article/28/2009/october/11/multi-vehicle-crash-on-route-1-baby-found-home-alone.html

Thanks for your prayers...this was definitely a wake-up call to us...we KNOW someone is watching out for us

the drunkard's truck (look closely out the window & you can see the car seat)

this is the drunkard's truck again to see how close it was to our car

this is the the damage that the truck did to the car that hit us

and this is the car that got the worst of it - we're not sure if the passenger survived...

Where do we go from here?

I officially started miscarrying last night. How do you pick up and move on when the one true shot you ever thought you had at being a mother is literally going down the toilet?

How do I keep going through the motions this week knowing full well that if I peed on a pregnancy test, "Pregnant" would still pop up before my eyes in a matter of seconds?

How do you get on with the rest of your life?

How do you have hope for the future?

How can you go on believing that there really is a God and that your life has any significance to Him when life's events blatantly point out that He could care less?

How could a God who supposedly loves us so much sit by and watch our hearts being broken and simply call it part of "His plan"?

How will I ever believe again that there is power in prayer when we literally had hundreds of people praying for us each and every step of the way, and for what? Breathing the ceremonial sigh of relief only to have the rug swiftly pulled out from under us.

How can I have faith that our last chance at ever becoming biological parents (at least for one of us) will actually work?

How long will it take for me to get through a day without crying and thinking about what could have been, what should have been?

Why do I get no comfort in knowing that I now have TWO angel-babies in heaven instead of here with me?

so scared

Things aren't looking so good and I'm unbelievably scared and can't stop crying. I went for ultrasound & bloodwork today. The results of the ultrasound were inconclusive (which I later found out should have been expected due to being so early), as the RE basically saw nothing except something which "may or may not be a gestational sac." So now, we have to wait again until Friday to see what happens. As if I haven't already been tortured enough, my hcg levels still went up according to the bloodwork today, but they didn't double nearly as well as they should have based on last week's doubling rate. A week ago, my level was 241 (quadrupled from original beta) and now it has just barely doubled in an entire week (560). That's just.not.good.

Please pray...
Matthew 6:25-34

Transfer day

Today was our transfer day & everything went smoothly (minus my over-full bladder that I had to go partially empty - yeah, that was fun!). We transferred two beautiful embies & we've got 2 put away to freeze. We were kind of disappointed that there were only two embies left to freeze, but we keep telling ourselves that waiting until day 6 has weeded out any that wouldn't have survived the freeze/thaw process anyway, so we're saving "the creme of the crop!"

We've decided that we're not sharing the date of the beta with anyone at this time. With infertility, after sharing your hoo-ha with everyone and their brother, there is so little that is sacred, secret or special. Just rest assured that we will keep you all posted when we're ready to share the news (good or bad)!

Without further ado, here are the stars of the show...embies #16 & 19

Fertilization report is IN!

Sorry to keep you all waiting...

You're never going to believe this...

Of the 36 eggs retrieved, 30 were mature!!! Of the 30 mature eggs, they did ICSI on all of them and......


ALL 30 fertilized! We now have 30 embryos waiting for us in a petri dish!!

I cried, Becki cried, DH almost cried...it's a great day! I go for b/w & u/s tomorrow, but I won't get official word on when transfer will be until Thursday morning. My guess is that we're looking at a day 5-6 (Saturday/Sunday) transfer!

KEEP THOSE PRAYERS COMING! THEY WORK WONDERS!

B is absolutely amazing!

I don't have a ton of time to update...I have to run out the door in about 5 minutes to go get my first PIO shot from my nurse co-worker, but I wanted to keep all my bloggy-buddies in the know...

Today was an awesome day! G & I left the shore house around 7:30 this morning & made it to the RE's office around 10. B had been there since 8:15AM, but she had already been taken back to be prepped for the retrieval by the time we got there, so we communicated via text until she got taken back. Around 11, G was called back to give his sample & then about 30 minutes later, I got a text from B that brought tears to my eyes...it simply said "They got 36 eggs!!!!" It's enough to make this 3-egg-producing girl shout for joy! Seriously - that girl is the most fertile infertile I've ever seen! She came out just minutes later & we saw she & her hubby off (she was in pain and just wanted to lie down in the car and relax).

The fert report should be in tomorrow & then we're looking at a transfer on either Thursday or Saturday...with a slight possibility of Sunday. Please keep praying! God is in control and God is GOOD!

Monday is THE DAY!

We just got a call from the nurse that Monday is THE DAY (THE DAY, being egg retrieval day!). We couldn't be more excited! B texted me this morning saying that at her ultrasound today, they found 20 on the left and 12 on the right, with about 12 at 15mm or greater (mature). She will take her trigger shot tonight & retrieval will take place at 10:30 Monday morning!!!!!! Please pray & tell everyone you know to pray! More updates to follow!

Let the madness ensue!!!

As of Friday, the madness (that is IVF) has officially begun! G & I had to drive to New Jersey (about 1.5 hours) at the crack of dawn for bloodwork (both of us) and an ultrasound (me). They said that everything looks good, except that I've got a bit of free-fluid hanging out in my uterus. The doctor said that it is normal & there is nothing that they can do for it, but that they do hope to see it go away before we get to the transfer date, so PLEASE pray about that for us! It isn't that the fluid would necessarily decrease our chances of implantation, but it certainly won't help & they're just hoping for a clean, plump uterus to accept the little embies!!

In other related news, B started her stims (ovary-stimulating meds) on Friday!! This is like THE BIG STEP in an IVF cycle. At her first (baseline) ultrasound on Friday, they found about 10 little eggs just hanging out!! And that was UN-stimulated!! They said that by the time she gets the stims in her, we could hope/expect to find about 20 of the little buggers going to town in there! We are so blessed! B goes back for another ultrasound on Monday and I go on Tuesday! Please continue to pray!

G & I have been throwing around a few ideas of what to give B as a gift. When it comes right down to it, nothing really seems appropriate or meaningful enough to reciprocate the miraculous opportunity she is giving us. Her enthusiasm & generosity have given us something that we haven't had much of over the past four years...HOPE. Finally, last night, the idea came to me (after some great suggestions from my online IF group girls) to call on my bloggy buddy Melissa for some help - and help she has! Despite the fact that she's on a jewelry-making break for the summer so she can spend time with her loved ones, she has GENEROUSLY offered to make a Hope Bracelet for us to give B. It will match the one that she made for me a year or so ago, which I won from her in an online contest! Please check her out for all your custom-jewelry needs (starting in late August when she returns from her break). She really is an amazing person!!

And finally, I was looking through my blog archives & I found this post, which seems appropriate for the theme of Hope we've got going on today. Enjoy!

Ok God, I hear ya!

First of all, let me come clean in front of all of Bloggyville...I've not done the best job of listening to God lately. Don't get me wrong, I haven't gone out and robbed any banks or mugged innocent bystanders (or the guilty ones for that matter!), but over the past few weeks I have succumbed to the evil forces of laziness (where my walk with God is concerned anyway) & I'm not feeling so great about it. My bible had been sorely neglected for crosswords & Sudoku puzzles...so God decided to kick my butt!

I finally managed to wipe the dust off the old Book two nights ago and Whew! Let me tell you! God had some words for me. I first started by reading in the book of Job (Job & I are kindred spirits, I think...except for the whole crusty sores thing...), which then directed me (via the devotional section of the bible in the margins) to Psalm 46...which I read, and promptly cried. I've probably read this psalm hundreds of times (particularly 46:10) over our 4 years of TTC, but for some reason, the other night it hit me hard...because I know that I'm trying to do too much of this on my own. I'm worrying over details, stressing over whether or not B's bloodwork will come back before she leaves on vacation, and just being plain untrusting. And finally God said, "Look - this is MY job! Sit back & let me take care of the details!" So for the next couple of months (while all of the craziness ensues), I'm going to try my hardest to sit back, shut up, and see where we end up when this crazy roller coaster finally stops. Join me on the journey (but please buckle up! God still hasn't promised me the roadblocks would be cleared!)

Psalm 46
¹ God is our refuge and strength,
an ever-present help in trouble.
² Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
³ though its waters roar and foam
and the mountains quake with their surging.
Selah
⁴ There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
the holy place where the Most High dwells.
⁵ God is within her, she will not fall;
God will help her at break of day.
⁶ Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
⁷ The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah
⁸ Come and see the works of the LORD,
the desolations he has brought on the earth.
⁹ He makes wars cease to the ends of the earth;
he breaks the bow and shatters the spear,
he burns the shields with fire.
¹⁰ "Be still, and know that I am God;
I will be exalted among the nations,
I will be exalted in the earth."
¹¹ The LORD Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.
Selah

The Peace of a Dove

Despite all of the craziness of the past week (2 preschool graduations, 3 days of cheerleading practices/tryouts, 2 last-days of school for my 3- and then 4-year-old classes, cleaning my classroom & new developments unfolding with the doctor's office), I've somehow managed to feel some sense of peace and calm (albeit nervousness) this week.

The graduations went really smoothly. Monday night's was the one for the 4-year-old class & it's definitely the more formal (and stressful) of the two. Everything went as planned (except for a minor catastrophe where the church had double-booked the chapel, which was our location...the choir had to be moved, which actually was a pretty substantial hassle for them). The 3-year-old's graduation was yesterday morning...it's actually not a graduation, but more an end-of-the-year celebration, since they're technically not going anywhere & will all be returning next year...it was a really adorable way to end an otherwise stressful year filled with parent issues, poopy pants, and behavior struggles, which all, thankfully started to work themselves out with the proper diagnosis and assistance!

And then yesterday, I decided to email my nurse at the RE's office because I realized that since they hadn't bothered to tell us up-front that we would have to pay for the donor's meds out-of-pocket, or for our psych evaluations out-of-pocket (which had no real likelihood of ever being reimbursed by our insurance), they probably had some other things that they weren't telling us...boy was I right! ugh...I emailed the nurse under the assumption that the RE's office would be handling all charges for my donor's bloodwork and ultrasound, even via distance monitoring, due to the fact that it was for a study and they could simply handle the matter from one doctor's office insurance to another...I mean, since they hadn't given us an itemized list of costs & since we've never done a study cycle before and we OF COURSE have never done a donor cycle before, we would have no idea about any of this...especially since the doctor had told me at the original consultation that the only cost to us would be getting our donor tested, or about $2000. This is a cut and paste of my Q&A w/ the nurse...

Q: Hi - just another question about something I wanted to be clear on...my donor will be doing her monitoring for the IVF study at a clinic closer to her home (not sure exactly where yet - still working on that). I will NOT be billed for the distance monitoring since it is in connection with the study, correct? I just don't want to get blind-sided with a bill or anything after the fact, as it has never been stated that her monitoring must be done on-site in order to be covered under the study. Thanks!

A: I’m sorry, but you will not be reimbursed for monitoring done at another center. You would need to pay them directly for any services done there. We would only cover monitoring for your donor that is done at RMA. Let me know if you have any other questions.

Regards, Jill

Needless to say, I'm pretty nervous about what this means for us...if the office charged us what they actually charge the insurance company, we wouldn't really mind so much, but considering how steeply they inflate their prices for uninsured billing, added to the fact that B could need up to 10 u/s & b/w...well...I'm wondering how the RE thought that this could POSSIBLY be cheaper for us than just any other IVF cycle. If anyone has any insight on this, please, please, PLEASE throw it our way! Otherwise, just pray!

But, yes. Despite all of this, I do still have a strange sense of peace...you know, that "peace that passes understanding." Understandably, my human self wants to worry, but somehow I just know that all of this will fall into place...

And this little nesting mama dove that I discovered (aka almost watered) yesterday in my hanging planter on the porch is a reminder of that peace...

Wait!: Two songs!

I'm just about ready to wrap up my (forever-and-a-day long) series on waiting in times of struggle. I wanted to share the lyrics to two songs with you that have really touched me & spoken to me throughout this IF journey. Read them. Mull them over. Take them in. They give me goosebumps.

The first is a hymn written in 1752 by a woman named Katharina von Schlege...it just goes to show you that God's messages are timeless...

"Be Still My Soul"

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to your God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: your best, your heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: your God will undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds shall know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

And this one is a bit less enduring, I'm sure, but meaningful nonetheless...it's "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus (I know, I know...it really is an amazing song).

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing,
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes they might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,
cause

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Somebody's you're going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

Wait: Lesson #5 (God's Timing is Perfect)

The last formal lesson in the wait series (I have a couple devotionals that I've written as well as some lyrics to some old hymns that I think are really relevant) is pretty short, sweet & to the point...although we don't always understand it or agree, there is a reason that we are where we are right now & God will continue to use our situations, troubles and struggles for His glory and in His time.

"Good people suffer many troubles, but the Lord saves them from them all." ~Psalm 34:19

• It is reassuring to know that we are not alone and our current struggles are certainly not meant to be viewed as punishment for past mistakes (although I will be the first to say that I am guilty of this mind-set...). There is no way to know WHY we are given these struggles, but the encouraging part is that our pain will not last forever. Someday, somehow, somewhere, the Lord will save us from our heartache.
  

"We know that in all things, God works for good with those who love him, those whom he has called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28

• What it basically comes down to is that without our struggles and troubles, we would have no need for God in our lives...sure, we would still probably thank Him daily for our blessings and go through the motions that "good Christians" do, but would we really be growing? In our church,we just finished up a bible study based on John Ortberg's "The Life You've Always Wanted." In one of the lessons, John mentioned how he once surveyed the members of his church and discovered (not surprisingly) that most of his churchgoers indicated that the greatest periods of spiritual growth in their lives happened during & immediately after times of hardship and great struggle! I know it doesn't make it any easier when you're right in the thick of it and down in the dumps, but hopefully we can take comfort in the fact that we continue to be God's work-in-progress.
  

Houston - we have a donor!

Ok, I've been keeping some of you in suspense if you're on my facebook list & I'm very sorry for that (if you're not my FB friend, email me and we can meet up!)...you may have noticed that my status yesterday was a bit (or a LOT) on the positive side...especially considering how anxious and pessimistic I've been lately. Well, it somehow seems that our luck may be turning and that things really just are finally starting to come together for us. Allow me to explain.

Yesterday was B (our potential donor)'s initial appointment at our RE's office for the basic screenings...b/w & u/s to check (among other things) her FSH levels (indicator of the quality of eggs) and her ovaries. We had some concerns that her egg quality could be compromised because she had severe endometriosis, starting as a teen. We were also concerned about how well her ovaries were functioning because B had a partial hysterectomy 5 or so years ago. Due to the procedure, blood flow to the area would be reduced, thus possibly damaging the ovaries and their ability to function properly. Well, wouldn't you know it...the doctor took a look in there and saw two beautiful ovaries with about 17 - yes SEVENTEEN!!! - beautiful eggs forming...and this is UN-STIMMED! Now of course, that doesn't mean that we would end up with 17 mature eggs upon retrieval or anything, but in perspective, the most I ever found at an ultrasound was 9 or 10 & I was floored by even that.

Not only did B's ovaries pull out all the stops yesterday, but the doctor's office called B in the afternoon to let her know that her levels are STELLAR and we are...wait for it...GOOD TO GO!

For our next steps, B & her hubby have to come back down on April 30th (my birthday!!!!) to have a psych evaluation with myself & G at the RE's office. Once that final step is done, the meds will be ordered and we will be on our way to starting our donor cycle! GOD IS SO GOOD...

Wait: Lesson #4 (Reliquish it to God)

Today's lesson is the 4th in a 5-part series on waiting through tough times, based on a speech my friend Kelli gave. I've added a couple of my own lessons throughout! If this is your first time here, please check out the older posts & don't forget to let me know what your thoughts are!

"My Father, if it is possible, take this cup of suffering from me! Yet not what I want, but what you want." ~Matthew 26:39

• I love the redundancy of this verse & how much it rings true to human nature. I mean, how often do we say, 'Lord, please give me x, y, & z....but only if it is your will.' And we all know that in our heads and hearts, we're screaming..."PLEASE! Let it be your will!" as though our pitiful pleadings could really sway the divine plan. The purpose of this verse, however, is not to give reassurance that God will take your pain away (hear me out on this one...), but rather that He can't take it away until you've really let go of the pain and fully thrust it all into God's hands...which, I know, is hard to do...especially in things like infertility where you already have so little control. You're almost begging for one tiny thread of something that you can claim ownership to, but that is what we are called to do.
  

"Father,' he said, 'if you will, take this cup of suffering away from me. Not my will, however, but your will be done.' And an angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him." ~Luke 22:42-43

• Although we're not literally seeing angels from heaven in our times of struggle (although DH thinks that Becki, our egg donor, is some form of an angel), I do believe that God sends people into our lives (at just the right time!) to help us through the hurt and pain. That person may be a parent, a sibling, a spouse, a new friend at a support group, a pastor, bloggy buddies, or message board friends who live thousands of miles away! The important thing to remember is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There is always someone out there who has been where you've been and understands your pain.

"But I will bless the person who puts his trust in me. He is like a tree growing near a stream and sending out roots to the water. It is not afraid when hot weather comes, because its leaves stay green; it has no worries when there is no rain; it keeps on bearing fruit." ~Jeremiah 17:7-8

• Honestly, for me, this step (Relinquish it to God) is the hardest for me to accept/enact. In reality, of course, it makes perfect sense: Take your mess of a life, package the meager remains up & give them to God to work his magic on. But it is so much easier said than done. In your head, you're crying out, "But God, I am a Christian woman and I feel like I've been handing this whole situation over to you all along through my daily prayers, my devotions, my confessions, my ministries, my worship!," but I also think that the more time you spend in prayer and in communion with God, the more you realize all that you've been clinging to...like that tree by the stream, the closer it is to the water, the less it worries about the dangers of the hot weather. Similarly, the closer we are to God, the less we worry about the outcome of life's disasters.

"To have faith is to be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of the things we cannot see." ~Hebrews 11:1

• I can be sure that I'll be a mommy someday (somehow, some way); I am certain that the Lord is always close by, especially when we are hurting. Reach out to Him today!
  

Wait: Lesson #3 (God will give you the strength you need)

I'm going to try to finish the series on "Wait!" up before Easter, but I make no promises, as this is an extremely busy time for us...teaching at Christian preschool means that things are busier than normal this time of year, plus we've been helping out on the set crew for the musical at DH's school, which is next weekend. Without further ado...here is lesson 3.

Lesson 3 - God will give you the strength that you need.
"If God brings you to it, God will bring you through it." This is probably another one of those quotes that people going through tough times are tired of hearing. I know I've probably rolled my eyes at it myself a time or two (or eight). But since it's often easier to hear those words straight from the maker, let's see what God says about all of this...

"If you think you are standing firm, you had better be careful that you do not fall. Every test that you have experienced is the kind that normally comes to people. But God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, he will give you the strength to endure it." ~1 Corinthians 10:12-13

• The reassurance that I gain from these verses is that everyone endures trials and hardships. So, while I realize that everyone out there isn't infertile & therefore can't understand the depth and breadth of your pain, it can safely be said that you can't understand all of their hardships either. You know how the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence? Well that sort of applies here...Everyone out there has their share of struggles (some people are just better at hiding them than others)...and while I can't always understand what someone else is going through, I like to think that my struggles can help me be more empathetic toward them.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." ~Philippians 4:13

• I'll be the first to admit that I've struggled with this verse from time to time. I know that I interpret it way too literally and say 'of course I can't do all things! I certainly can't will myself to have a baby now, can I?' - but I realize that I'm being ridiculous & that this verse is meant for encouragement over the long haul...no, I can't will myself to have a baby, but I can continue to pray, hope and find strength in God while I'm waiting...and considering the depths I've come from over the past few years, wallowing in my own self pity about not being able to have a baby, I would say that God's strength has definitely helped me to accomplish a great deal of His plan for my life.

"Three times I prayed to the Lord about this and asked him to take it away. But his answer was: 'My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak.' I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~2 Corinthians 12:8, 10

• It's really quite the oxymoron to envision being strong when we are weak...but when we remember that we are temples of God, then we can understand that when we are weakened physically, emptied of everything that we have, only then can God fully take over and carry us through by His strength.

Your challenge this week is to surrender your hurts to God and ask him to take over and carry your load where you know that you cannot.