Hadley's Birth Story!

Ok, MIL is getting some Hadley time, so here is your birth story!!! :) Sorry, my kitty dying is intermingled with this story because it's part of the day's events.

On the morning of Black Friday (November 26th), I woke up around 2:30 AM with contractions. They weren't painful, but were coming at regular intervals between 7-20 minutes apart. I went downstairs and watched TV, etc so I wouldn't keep Gregg up. After a bit, I realized that I hadn't yet seen my kitty that day - she was not looking good the night before (breathing funny & just not being herself) & I actually cried at that time (Thanksgiving night) because something in me just told me it was the beginning of the end. I checked her usual spots & couldn't find her anywhere. I laid back down on the couch for a while, read, watched TV, etc & for some reason, though to check for her in the basement. As soon as I saw her lying on the concrete (something she would never normally do) and she didn't respond when I said her name (I didn't get close enough), I knew that she was gone. I was so, so sad. She was only 7 years old & she was a dating anniversary gift from Gregg for our 2nd anniversary. It was around 4:30 AM at this time & I ran upstairs to Gregg & woke him up: "Baby - um, two things...I think Faithy died and I'm in labor" - according to him, that was not the way he had planned on waking up that morning.

He went down into the basement and confirmed that she was gone & then texted his mom & dad so that they would call when they woke up. I continued with contractions throughout the morning until his dad called back. They were shocked at the news of Faithy passing & his Dad came over to take care of her. I wanted to see her to get some closure, but her eyes were open (according to G) and they could not be shut again, so I didn't get to see her. We drove over to G's parents' house & she was buried in their "pet cemetary" behind their house. G had basketball practice, so I stayed at his parents' house and continued laboring while he was gone (yeah, I know, I told him to go to practice...LOL). His mom and one of his sisters (Mel) timed my contractions all morning/afternoon. They were continuing to get stronger throughout the day & definitely becoming more regular. When they were about 7 minutes apart, I texted my mom and told her that I thought it was the real thing (after G's mom felt my contractions in my stomach and confirmed that this was most likely true labor).

We went home & I got showered & then we called the doctor around 3:30 when my contractions were about 5 minutes apart. Gregg had to take the call from the doctor when she returned our call (it goes to the answering service first) because I was busy throwing up. Despite the fact that my contractions were 4-5 minutes apart at this time, they told us to wait an hour and then leave for the hospital. My contractions were definitely stronger at this point & I was SO upset that we weren't able to go to the hospital yet. I was face-down on my exercise ball with a heating pad on my back, or with G rubbing my back constantly. We determined that my parents were about an hour away, so we waited for them to get there & then we left immediately.

The car ride was not a fun one & it seemed to take forever with lots of curvy, windy roads, despite the fact that it was only about 25 minutes. When we got there around 5PM, we went to L&D to get checked in & they told me that I needed to wait in the waiting room because they didn't have room for me. I was SO upset, I'm surprised I didn't cry. I ended up kneeling on the floor in front of one of the waiting room chairs, with my face in the chair, while mom or G rubbed my back and I breathed through all of the contractions, which were gaining in strength and frequency. To make matters worse, there were some annoying kids in the waiting room and I think I remember telling my mom that I was going to kill them - LOL.

After FORTY FIVE MINUTES (5:45pm) of laboring in the waiting room (there were about 4 other pg women there, but none as obviously into labor as I was), I was finally taken back into a triage room. A midwife came in to check me and immediately said, "whoa! We've got an active one - she's 8cm!" We were shocked! I knew the contractions were strong, but I was breathing through them and didn't think they were THAT awful. The doctor came in and I pretty much had to decide on the spot whether I wanted an epidural or not. I told her that I felt really good, but I was worried about the pushing part. She said, "I won't lie, the pushing is intense, but you're really going to feel that part either way" so I decided to tough it out (which is good since the anesthesiologist never got around to seeing me anyway, which they're supposed to do either way). They moved me to an L&D room & checked me again maybe half an hour later (6:30) and I was 9cm. The doctor broke my water & an hour later, I was 10 cm. I really didn't notice a difference in the strength of my contractions until the very end (right before I was checked at 10cm) - the nurse told me that if I felt the urge to push, I should take a deep breath in and breathe out in spurts like I'm blowing out candles - those were the hardest ones by far.

Once I was able to push, it was actually a great relief - fighting the pushing was definitely the worst part of labor. I began pushing around 8:15pm. There was definitely a learning curve in learning how to push, but the doctor and nurse were both great with encouragement & G was there the whole time with my ice chips, rubbing my back. After about an hour of pushing, I started to get really frustrated because I felt like I was doing it wrong or that it should be going faster, but the dr. assured me I was doing an amazing job. I remember both she & the nurse saying that they seriously should have made an educational video about laboring on me because they never ever would have guessed that I didn't have an epidural - I was one of the best "breathe through it" patients they ever saw! They encouraged me to change pushing positions (on my side) and those really helped to bring her down. Just before 2 hours, they switched me back to my back and I knew it must be time because they took off the bottom of my table, put up the stirrups & the dr. put on her gown. About 5 pushes later, I felt her head come out & another push or two came her shoulders & she was out! I did not even feel the "ring of fire" that so many women talk about - I honestly don't remember any pain during the pushing process - it was just exhausting...I think my nerve endings must be dead down there or something! :) And I was so proud of Gregg, he watched the whole thing and didn't pass out or get sick or anything (HUGE accomplishment for him)! Hadley Rebecca Scholl was born at 10:08PM, 19 inches long! They put her on my chest and it was all just so surreal - I almost felt like it was happening to someone else - some kind of out-of-body experience.

H was whisked away to the nursery (G went along) because they wanted to check her breathing (she was "grunting" a bit), but everything was fine. I delivered the afterbirth & was stitched back up for my 2nd degree tear & then I ended up watching What Not To Wear on TV alone in the room for 45 minutes while G was gone, even though I had asked the nurse to go get my family, which they never did. Our parents, G & H all ended up coming back at the same time and stayed with us until about midnight. I was so glad that both sets of parents could be there to see her right away. Though we hadn't planned on it, we ended up sending H to the nursery that night because we were both so exhausted and needed to get some sleep...of course I couldn't sleep anyway due to worrying about her, plus being on the adrenaline high, but that's a whole different story!

My doctor was amazing throughout the whole thing - before coming to me, she had only had an emergency c-section & then I was her only patient. She sat on the bottom of my bed the entire time - there are about 10 doctors at the practice and if I could have chosen, she would have been the one that I wanted, so I was SO happy when I knew she would be with me.

We texted Becki to tell her the good news and she cried when she heard the name - she said it was just perfect and she couldn't wait to meet her!

In the end, we said it's almost as though Faithy (our kitty) was like our filler baby - one angel left us just as the other came into our lives...

Can I still post here?

I feel really strange posting over on this blog (hence the HUGE hiatus from posting). I'm still in the frame of mind where I don't want to offend or hurt anyone, but I also want everyone out there (who doesn't also read my baby blog) to know that all is still well in our world. Things have been mostly uneventful & I am truly blessed by that!!

I do want everyone to know that I still don't feel like I belong in the world of fertiles...or in the world of mommies for that matter. It was very evident when attending our education classes at the hospital or going to the doctor that most of the population at large just doesn't "get it." I definitely get the feeling that I'll never truly "belong" with other moms - there are so few people out there (not saying there aren't any, just not many) who really cherish their pregnancies for the miracles that they actually are!

I hope you're all doing well! T-minus 6 weeks (or less!) & counting until H's arrival!

It's a...

GIRL! I was SHOCKED as I told Gregg that I was 90% sure we were having a boy! We both shed some tears & were so incredibly happy!

Little Hadley was adorable (we even got a yawn) and the doctor said she looked perfect (we thought so, too! Her heartbeat was 157 bpm and we're pretty sure she's going to be a little gymnast...just look at these legs up over her head!

I'll admit that I was a little disappointed that the u/s tech didn't give us a "girl" ultrasound shot, but I'm working on getting one elsewhere.

I've been feeling tons of movement in there lately which is SO exciting, and Gregg gets in at least one good kick a night!

I had an amazing time over the weekend and got all sorts of wonderful baby gifts for our little girl from my IF friends at our GTG. What amazing women - I had an awesome time & can't wait until we can do it again! I am so blessed!

The Big (LONG) Update (finally!)

It's time to come clean about the big BFP. Though not spontaneous by any means, it is as big of a shock to us as it is to you. Read on...you might want some snacks...it's a long one (some is for self-documentation purposes, so feel free to skim!) Pictures from every ultrasound (and the embryos) can be found at our baby blog: www.schollbaby.blogspot.com

As I mildly hinted back in February, we decided that we were going to do our FET (2 frozen embryos from our donor egg cycle in July 2009) in March. We decided (after little debate) that we weren't going to let ANYONE in on it, including our parents...after all that we had been through, it was just easier not to have the questions, "when is your shot? how are you feeling? when is your beta? when is this? when is that?," etc, etc, etc...even though of course we know those questions always come out of love and concern. A couple people at each of our workplaces knew, but otherwise, no one! My online infertility girls didn't even find out about it until the evening of the transfer.

On March 18th, I went in to work with G. We were supposed to get the call about an hour and a half before we needed to be at the doctor's office, so there was no way for me to go in to work & still have enough time to meet up with him & leave on such short notice, even though we knew that the call probably wouldn't be made until after 10. Around lunch time, we got the call & they asked if we could be there by 2:00, which was no problem. We ate our lunches, G secured his coverage & then we picked up and left, getting there with plenty of time to spare. They took us back almost immediately and got us set up in our "room" (basically one large room with curtains between each). There were about 4 other couples there. We had elected to receive laser acupuncture both before and after the transfer. It was only an extra $200 and we figured this was our last chance...we would do everything possible to increase our chances of success. It was completely painless and took about 5 minutes. Around 3:00, the RE (Dr. Kim) came in and told us that both of our embryos thawed beautifully (which was honestly the biggest obstacle to pass of the day!). He said that they picked up right where they had left off as far as growing was concerned. By 3:30, we were in and out of the transfer room & I was receiving my 2nd dose of laser acupuncture. After my mandatory 20 minutes rest, G & I made the long (traffic!!!!) trek home with a stop at Wendy's for dinner (because, after all, baby likes HEALTHY food!). By the time we made it home, I barely had any rest time before actual bed time, but G made sure I didn't do too much. I returned to work the next day...my 4-year-olds are easy enough, so I wasn't worried about over-doing it.

We had already made plans to travel up to my parents' house for a family spaghetti dinner that weekend. This meant that, for the first time, I would have to do my PIO shot by myself (G is terrified of needles & passes out - but it's ok - I still love him LOTS!). I was terrified, but my co-worker (former nurse who had been doing my shots for me) guided me through it & watched me do it by myself the next day. She marked out a few spots for me with a Sharpie & I prayed for confidence! The next day, though still extremely nervous, I did it! Complete with finding a good spot (my sharpie marks had washed away!) and drawing back to check for blood! Over time, while doing my own, G became my band-aid man & would stand on the sidelines (not watching) until I was ready for him! Though still not my favorite thing to do (and I'm glad I am officially off of the PIOs), I can do an IM shot like a pro!

So, back to the story...on March 26th, the night before my beta, I went to a social event with my co-workers. While there, I started to feel crampy & went to the bathroom to discover some brownish pink spotting. I was completely miserable the rest of the night (despite the fact that I won 2 prizes while there) & texted G for the duration of the party about how I wanted to come home (I had carpooled with someone else, so I couldn't leave). The next day was beta day and I felt that my fate had already been revealed the night before, but I took a HPT that morning anyway. I couldn't sleep, so I was up way before G. I peed on the stick, waited the obligatory 3 minutes, saw no line & went back to bed. I was so numb. Even though I felt like I had gotten my answer the night before, the blank spot where the line was supposed to be, staring me straight in the face, was like a punch in the gut. Looking back in regular lighting, later in the day (much past the 10 minute window), we could see what MAY or MAY NOT have been a line, but at 9dp5dt, we were looking for a nice, dark line. We kept telling ourselves we were ready to adopt and ready to move on and "just be parents in whatever way we could" but the reality was that those 2 little embies still gave us hope...and try as we might to not get those hopes up, that was virtually impossible.

By the grace of God, I held it together all morning for the blood draw. Several hours later, we got the call that I WAS PREGNANT with a super beta of 163! The nurse on the phone probably thought I was a real witch or something because she told me and I didn't even react - I still could not believe that 2 negatives (spotting and the BFN on the HPT) could equal a positive. I just said "ok" after every statement she said. After I hung up, we were both in shock, but not excited like we should have been. We had been to that place before & we knew better than to get our hopes up prematurely. But we hoped, and we prayed, and we prayed some more.

2 days later (16dpo), I went back for repeat bloodwork & discovered that not only had my number doubled, it had almost tripled to 412! I was beginning to get more excited at this point. However, when I inquired about my progesterone level, which they said looked "good," I discovered that it was low by most RE's standards at 13. So I did what any desperate girl would do. I first called and got my PIO dosage increased (they would only let me do an extra 1/2 mL). I also pleaded for a prescription for progesterone suppositories, but to no avail. So again, I did what any desperate girl would do...please don't tell...I self-medicated. You see, I had some expired progesterone suppositories in my refrigerator & with the help of my enablers (aka my online infertility girls), I started taking them daily for nothing more than some peace of mind. I also begged for a 2nd repeat beta for some additional peace of mind (especially since we were traveling to my parents' house for Easter). Again, I got the call with good news! My beta needed to be at least 1648 to meet the standard 48 doubling time (now at 20dpo) & it came back with a SUPER STAR number of 2379 & my p4 went up to a comfortable (for me) number of 20. Not sure if it was the extra p4 supplementation, but I'll take it. Many of my online girls were thinking twins at that point because my betas were so high...

The day after Easter, April 5th, we went back to the RE for our first ultrasound. We were both terrified, as this was the point in our previous pregnancy where we had the ultrasound and they saw nothing, betas began to decline & we lost the baby. BUT NOT THIS TIME!!! This time we saw ONE beautiful gestational sac with a yolk sac inside! Just what we wanted to see. The PA said it was too early to measure for a due date, but that everything looked just like it was supposed to look (5w2d). My bloodwork also came back stellar with my p4 holding steady at 20 & my beta shooting up to 8067!! In the week between my ultrasounds, I would live on an ultrasound- (and beta-) high for about two days, before reality (and Satan with his doubt) would begin to creep back in. I had no symptoms at that point beyond bigger BBs (although I wasn't complaining about that one)...and I knew that was just from the progesterone.

On Monday, April 12th, we saw and heard one of the most beautiful things in the world...our baby's heartbeat! We were in shock and awe mode. I had myself completely convinced that we would get there and see that the gestational sac and yolk sac had disappeared...G thought I was just being ridiculous & I told him I was glad that he could say "I told you so!" We also saw another mass at the ultrasound which we've determined was likely a 2nd sac that just never developed (considering how high my betas were, this would make perfect sense, since I was right in the average range for twins). Progesterone was holding steady at 20 & hcg rose steadily to 30,896. My TSH came back still slightly elevated (at 3.6) so they increased my dosage a 2nd time & continued to monitor it. The baby measured right around 6 weeks at that time, which was perfect & a HB of 120bpm.

At the 7 week scan (April 19th), they discovered that the 2nd sac had continued to grow. They still saw it as no cause for concern, which was encouraging. We heard the heartbeat again (136bpm) and the baby measured right on target (7w2d). Finally on April 26th, we went for our 8 week ultrasound & for the first time, our baby looked like a baby (or a gummy bear)! The baby measured 2 days ahead (8w4d) & HB was 164bpm! The RE's office "released" me with a really cute ultrasound pic baby card & a stack of pregnancy magazines, though they can't officially release me while I'm still on progesterone (though they actually did since I REFUSED to go cold-turkey so early-on). My TSH went back down to normal levels at 1.86 and they finally gave us a due-date of December 3rd, 2010! And still, our families had NO CLUE.

We traveled up to my parents' house on the evening of my birthday, April 30th. They were throwing a 30th bday picnic (family) for me the following day. My mom & dad were busy getting things ready for the picnic that they were having for my bday. They were both finally in the house at the same time and I told my mom that I wanted her to open her Mother's Day gift (a week early) before she was up to her elbows in something else...my dad almost left but I told him he had to stay. Mom opened the card and started crying (nothing in the card but a sappy little verse) and then she opened the frame and SCREAMED, CRIED & she and my dad made a Teri-Sandwich out of me. My dad cried and my mom sobbed, "This is the BEST MOTHER'S DAY PRESENT EVER"...it was awesome. When she got to the party, we told my little cousin Jenna (19) because she's our bud - she and Gregg always "pretend" they are Ron & Hermione from Harry Potter when we go camping (mainly just finding sticks & pretending they are stupifying each other, or quoting the movie, etc). Gregg asked Jenna if she wanted to be Aunt Jenna or Aunt Hermione - and her eyes got wide and she looked at me & I smiled and she got SO excited & screamed - she had to compose herself before we went back to the rest of the family. My mom showed the frame to the rest of the family after we had eaten & they happily passed it around & congratulated us on the wonderful (and long over-due!) news!

On Tuesday, May 11th, we had a great OB appointment with the heartbeat at 170bpm. The little sucker was in there moving all over the place - it even looked like it was waving at us!!!! The following weekend, we went to the shore with G's family for Mother's Day. Before we went out to breakfast, G gave his mom her Mother's Day gift. His mom was a little confused at first (or we were just confused at what she was asking us)! G's dad is a radiologist, so he looked at the date at the top & saw my name & knew right away what was going on & hugged me immediately. His mom started sobbing and couldn't figure out how we'd been keeping it a secret for so long! We told G's 2 younger sisters and they FLIPPED, then he called his oldest sister and her kids told her that she said Oh My God 21 times! LOL! We emailed the rest of G's brothers and sisters to tell them & we heard back from every single one of them within 12 hours!

We had our NT scan at the Maternal Fetal Medicine unit on the 28th (which was so cool!!). The ultrasound tech got all the measurements (which the doctor said looked normal, putting us at low risk for Downs or Trisomy 18) and then we officially "came out" on Facebook that afternoon! That.Was.Awesome!

And that brings us (finally!) to where we are now, 14 weeks. It's been an insanely long and nerve-racking journey, but we're just thrilled to finally have a chance to experience all of it. The good, the bad & the ugly. I go back to the OB on Tuesday (I'm anxious to hear the HB) and we don't have another ultrasound until the 19th of July (the "big" one)! Please keep us in your prayers!

Sorry to keep you out of the loop

But after 5 years, lots of tears, thousands of prayers & a gift from a very special friend...

I'm GONNA BE A MAMA! I'm 13 weeks pregnant!

Pictures & story to come!

It's all over...

It's all over...u/s today confirmed the "mass" was the same size or smaller than what they saw three days ago. And our other m/c was exactly two years ago yesterday. I just have no words anymore.

so scared

Things aren't looking so good and I'm unbelievably scared and can't stop crying. I went for ultrasound & bloodwork today. The results of the ultrasound were inconclusive (which I later found out should have been expected due to being so early), as the RE basically saw nothing except something which "may or may not be a gestational sac." So now, we have to wait again until Friday to see what happens. As if I haven't already been tortured enough, my hcg levels still went up according to the bloodwork today, but they didn't double nearly as well as they should have based on last week's doubling rate. A week ago, my level was 241 (quadrupled from original beta) and now it has just barely doubled in an entire week (560). That's just.not.good.

Please pray...
Matthew 6:25-34

Torturing myself

This week has, in my opinion, been far more torturous than all the previous weeks in this IVF cycle combined. The week after the retrieval was kind of aggravating, but I knew the wait was worth it so that we could transfer the embryos that were the "best of the best." The week after transfer was annoying as I analyzed every little twist and turn I made with my body, wondering "Did I just lift something too heavy or make a turn that could harm a possible baby, or (fill in the blank)?"

This week, however is just plain torturous. Knowing that I'm pregnant, but not experiencing any symptoms has been absolutely driving me insane. Every time I feel the slightest bit of wetness in my underwear, I'm rushing to the bathroom to make sure it's not blood. Every time my bbs stop hurting for part of the day, I convince myself that I'm no longer pregnant (like I'm doing right now). To be perfectly honest, I had been feeling more symptoms (maybe they were all psychosomatic?) early on than I do now. I swore I was having indigestion, bloatiness, crampiness, sore bbs & mild nausea, but honestly I'm feeling fine. No fatigue. No morning sickness. No ANYTHING...

What will I do tomorrow if we get to the u/s and there's NOTHING there? THIS is what infertility has done to me...

Here's the verdict...

After reading the input from all of you, I thought long and hard about what to do about my blog. I really appreciated that 2 fellow infertiles, Kara & Amy, who have gone on to find success after infertility, encouraged me to document every single moment of this pregnancy because it will seem to fly by so quickly. I know that I will want to have some way of remembering every tiny twinge, twang, flutter and kick that I feel, so I've decided to start a second blog, The Making of the Scholl Family. I will use that blog as my true pregnancy journal & I'll continue to pick and choose some of the entries to cut & paste into this blog, for those of you who aren't ready for the uncensored pregnancy talk. I hope that's a solution that works for everyone. You're all so valuable to me and I thank God everyday for the amazing friendships I've made in bloggyland!

I've added the link over in my sidebar, under my profile info.

Your Thoughts?

As I'm sure you realize, we are far from being out-of-the woods, as far as this baby (or these babies) are concerned. I'm feeling great & so far, have no symptoms (I think I should be considered 4w5d today) & our 1st u/s is scheduled for Tuesday to see what we can see in there. We're VERY excited, but VERY cautiously optimistic at the same time.

But, regardless of what happens, I need some input from my readers concerning the direction you would like to see this blog take now, particularly those of you who are still in the trenches of infertility. Of course the name of the blog will not change, as I will always remain infertile; however I also remember what it feels like to be one of the ones who is "left behind." I remember how much it hurt and how I felt so certain that my dream to be a mommy would never be realized and I would forever be left behind. I couldn't live with myself knowing that this blog has made someone (especially another infertile) hurt and feel the same way.

At the same time, however, I know that when I was hurting, I did take comfort in knowing that even though these women had struggled and hurt just like I did, they somehow found joy again and eventually saw their dreams come to fruition. Whether it be through adoption like my bloggy buddy Melissa, or adoption & then a surprise pregnancy like my buddy Missy, and the countless other blogs (miracle stories) I follow in my sidebar and in my profile, I have learned that there are many roads that could lead you to the end of your journey.

So here is where I need your help. Where would you like this blog to go? Obviously, I'm not going to be spouting off about my woes of pg symptoms (because I remember how many times I saw other girls complaining and I thought about how I'd give my right arm for their morning sickness and round-ligament pain), but I also know the reality that it would be very hard not to talk about a pregnancy at all...and I don't want to lose any of you as readers, so I would greatly appreciate an email or comments about the new path that this blog will take.

Thank you for your continued prayers!

Wordless Wednesday

(If you're my friend on FB, don't mention anything there, please! We're waiting to tell the rest of my family (more than just parents) for a couple of weeks.)