Monday, August 24, 2009

Where do we go from here?

I officially started miscarrying last night. How do you pick up and move on when the one true shot you ever thought you had at being a mother is literally going down the toilet?

How do I keep going through the motions this week knowing full well that if I peed on a pregnancy test, "Pregnant" would still pop up before my eyes in a matter of seconds?

How do you get on with the rest of your life?

How do you have hope for the future?

How can you go on believing that there really is a God and that your life has any significance to Him when life's events blatantly point out that He could care less?

How could a God who supposedly loves us so much sit by and watch our hearts being broken and simply call it part of "His plan"?

How will I ever believe again that there is power in prayer when we literally had hundreds of people praying for us each and every step of the way, and for what? Breathing the ceremonial sigh of relief only to have the rug swiftly pulled out from under us.

How can I have faith that our last chance at ever becoming biological parents (at least for one of us) will actually work?

How long will it take for me to get through a day without crying and thinking about what could have been, what should have been?

Why do I get no comfort in knowing that I now have TWO angel-babies in heaven instead of here with me?

19 comments:

Ter said...

((HUGS))

I wish I could answer those questions, but I can't. It's been 4 years since my daughter died and I'm still not any closer to knowing the answers than I ever was before.

I'm sorry this happened to you. I was hoping things were going to work out for you. :(

embieadoptmom said...

I'm SO SORRY.... You are in my prayers..

Ann - Building a Nest said...

Every thing you’re feeling is reasonable. . . all the anger and frustration and the doubting of faith. I’ve had 2 miscarriages myself and although my situation is completely different from yours & I could never fully grasp your despair, I do understand the unbearable grief you are feeling at having angels in heaven instead of here with you. My heart breaks for you and I know there are no words to comfort you. I’ve never been a big subscriber to “everything happens for a reason.” Some times bad things happen and it is fruitless for us to try and find the reasoning behind it. As ugly as the emotions can be, try to hold onto your faith especially in these dark days. Prayers for your peace.

Tridentine Wife said...

I can't begin to express how sorry I am that you have to go through this a second time. Hold on to the Lord especially during this difficult time.

Amy said...

After reading this entry, Teri, I went back and read much of my old blog -- the one I wrote when we were TTC. And I remember feeling like you feel. And you know what I ended up doing? I stopped praying for a baby. Well, not entirely stopped. But I was so angry with the situation, and even with God. And I figured, what's the point of praying? God is going to do whatever He wants anyway, and shouldn't that be what I want too? I hated feeling so defeated. I started praying for peace. I started praying for a change of heart. That if children were not in our future, would He please change my heart so I don't want a child so it won't hurt so bad when we don't have one. I got extremly sick of people saying that God won't give me more than I can handle, because He never said that ANYWHERE!!! And believe me, I was jumping peoples' sh*t for saying it. I have no idea why things work (and don't work) the way they do. I have no idea how to move on with the rest of your life. I have no idea how long it takes to get through a day without melting down. Let me know if you'd like access to my TTC blog, Teri. I know you probably won't want to read much past February 2007, but from November 05 till February 07, you might find some kind of comfort or value. If not, that's totally and completely okay too. I just thought I'd put the offer out there. I just hurt for you SO BAD!! I never met you and my heart is truly broken for you.

Tipp said...

hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs, hugs.

That's not enough I know. But, KNOW you are LOVED.

Danielle said...

I wish I could answer your questions. It's not fair and I can't make any sense of it. But I know you will be parents. Great parents, I just know it.

Huge hugs...

Jack said...

Teri,
I am so sorry for you and only wish that there was an answer to all of your very valid questions. Unfortunately I know somewhat of you are going through. Praying for peace for you and your husband!

Emily said...

I have no answers for you and no words to make this awful pain stop, but I am thinking of you and wishing you some peace and comfort...HUGS

Erin said...

i just finally got caught up on reaading your blog. i am so sorry for what you are going thru. my heart fell as i read your last few posts. no one should ever have to go thru this. my heart goes out to you and your hubby. i hope you find some kind of peace.

Amy said...

Oh Teri, I am so sorry that you're hurting so much. I really wish I had the magic words that would make sense of things for you, but of course, none of us do. ::hugs::

Dreamer4agift said...

Hi Teri, I'm visiting from nicole's blog...I am truly sorry for what you're going through. It's been a year since my angel went to heaven and it still hurts...I,too, questioned everything I'd ever thought I knew about God. And even though I have found my peace, I still remember the hard emotions I had to deal with.

You won't want to read my blog, I'm sure. But, know that you're in my thoughts and prayers. Don't be afraid to feel what you feel...even if it's anger in God. He can handle it. (((((((hugs))))))

Kate said...

Teri, it's okay to be angry and hurt and everything that you're feeling. It just plain sucks. If you don't go through all of the questions and emotions, they're just going to linger there. Don't rush yourself to "get over it and move on". Take all of the time that you need. I still cry for my angel baby sometimes and it's been almost 3 years since I miscarried (especially at Christmas when I hang my angel ornaments that I got that year and around my due date). I know that my experience can't even begin to touch yours, but know that it does eventually start to slowly get better. You won't ever forget, but eventually you'll go 10 minutes, then an hour, then a little longer without remembering your pain. *HUGS*

Piccinigirl said...

I'm so sorry. I know that there is nothing I can say and all I can offer is my prayer for peace and comfort for your heart. That won't happen overnight, but I am hoping that soon you're strong enough to time again or decide where to go from here.

I read Amy's post to you and I think you should read her blog, she is an amazing person and a great blogger and her blog helped me through some really tough days.

either way, I wish you comfort my friend and please know that my heart is with yours as it heals.

Candi said...

Teri,
I'm so very sorry. I truly don't know what else to say, but I'm thinking of you....

Allie said...

My words pale in comparison to what I wish a hug could say to you. I wish I could ease some of your pain, take some of your tears and say something to make you feel better.

I am so sorry.

Bec said...

I wish you weren't going through this heartwrenching time. Sending you my thoughts and prayers xxx

Lauren said...

So sorry for your pain and loss. My heart breaks for you. I understand your questions, as I've had plenty of my own.
Thinking of you....

Amy said...

Hey there, just thinking of you today. I know you're hurting & I hope it helps in some small way to know that you are still being lifted in prayer!