Where do we go from here?

I officially started miscarrying last night. How do you pick up and move on when the one true shot you ever thought you had at being a mother is literally going down the toilet?

How do I keep going through the motions this week knowing full well that if I peed on a pregnancy test, "Pregnant" would still pop up before my eyes in a matter of seconds?

How do you get on with the rest of your life?

How do you have hope for the future?

How can you go on believing that there really is a God and that your life has any significance to Him when life's events blatantly point out that He could care less?

How could a God who supposedly loves us so much sit by and watch our hearts being broken and simply call it part of "His plan"?

How will I ever believe again that there is power in prayer when we literally had hundreds of people praying for us each and every step of the way, and for what? Breathing the ceremonial sigh of relief only to have the rug swiftly pulled out from under us.

How can I have faith that our last chance at ever becoming biological parents (at least for one of us) will actually work?

How long will it take for me to get through a day without crying and thinking about what could have been, what should have been?

Why do I get no comfort in knowing that I now have TWO angel-babies in heaven instead of here with me?

It's all over...

It's all over...u/s today confirmed the "mass" was the same size or smaller than what they saw three days ago. And our other m/c was exactly two years ago yesterday. I just have no words anymore.

so scared

Things aren't looking so good and I'm unbelievably scared and can't stop crying. I went for ultrasound & bloodwork today. The results of the ultrasound were inconclusive (which I later found out should have been expected due to being so early), as the RE basically saw nothing except something which "may or may not be a gestational sac." So now, we have to wait again until Friday to see what happens. As if I haven't already been tortured enough, my hcg levels still went up according to the bloodwork today, but they didn't double nearly as well as they should have based on last week's doubling rate. A week ago, my level was 241 (quadrupled from original beta) and now it has just barely doubled in an entire week (560). That's just.not.good.

Please pray...
Matthew 6:25-34

Torturing myself

This week has, in my opinion, been far more torturous than all the previous weeks in this IVF cycle combined. The week after the retrieval was kind of aggravating, but I knew the wait was worth it so that we could transfer the embryos that were the "best of the best." The week after transfer was annoying as I analyzed every little twist and turn I made with my body, wondering "Did I just lift something too heavy or make a turn that could harm a possible baby, or (fill in the blank)?"

This week, however is just plain torturous. Knowing that I'm pregnant, but not experiencing any symptoms has been absolutely driving me insane. Every time I feel the slightest bit of wetness in my underwear, I'm rushing to the bathroom to make sure it's not blood. Every time my bbs stop hurting for part of the day, I convince myself that I'm no longer pregnant (like I'm doing right now). To be perfectly honest, I had been feeling more symptoms (maybe they were all psychosomatic?) early on than I do now. I swore I was having indigestion, bloatiness, crampiness, sore bbs & mild nausea, but honestly I'm feeling fine. No fatigue. No morning sickness. No ANYTHING...

What will I do tomorrow if we get to the u/s and there's NOTHING there? THIS is what infertility has done to me...

Here's the verdict...

After reading the input from all of you, I thought long and hard about what to do about my blog. I really appreciated that 2 fellow infertiles, Kara & Amy, who have gone on to find success after infertility, encouraged me to document every single moment of this pregnancy because it will seem to fly by so quickly. I know that I will want to have some way of remembering every tiny twinge, twang, flutter and kick that I feel, so I've decided to start a second blog, The Making of the Scholl Family. I will use that blog as my true pregnancy journal & I'll continue to pick and choose some of the entries to cut & paste into this blog, for those of you who aren't ready for the uncensored pregnancy talk. I hope that's a solution that works for everyone. You're all so valuable to me and I thank God everyday for the amazing friendships I've made in bloggyland!

I've added the link over in my sidebar, under my profile info.

Your Thoughts?

As I'm sure you realize, we are far from being out-of-the woods, as far as this baby (or these babies) are concerned. I'm feeling great & so far, have no symptoms (I think I should be considered 4w5d today) & our 1st u/s is scheduled for Tuesday to see what we can see in there. We're VERY excited, but VERY cautiously optimistic at the same time.

But, regardless of what happens, I need some input from my readers concerning the direction you would like to see this blog take now, particularly those of you who are still in the trenches of infertility. Of course the name of the blog will not change, as I will always remain infertile; however I also remember what it feels like to be one of the ones who is "left behind." I remember how much it hurt and how I felt so certain that my dream to be a mommy would never be realized and I would forever be left behind. I couldn't live with myself knowing that this blog has made someone (especially another infertile) hurt and feel the same way.

At the same time, however, I know that when I was hurting, I did take comfort in knowing that even though these women had struggled and hurt just like I did, they somehow found joy again and eventually saw their dreams come to fruition. Whether it be through adoption like my bloggy buddy Melissa, or adoption & then a surprise pregnancy like my buddy Missy, and the countless other blogs (miracle stories) I follow in my sidebar and in my profile, I have learned that there are many roads that could lead you to the end of your journey.

So here is where I need your help. Where would you like this blog to go? Obviously, I'm not going to be spouting off about my woes of pg symptoms (because I remember how many times I saw other girls complaining and I thought about how I'd give my right arm for their morning sickness and round-ligament pain), but I also know the reality that it would be very hard not to talk about a pregnancy at all...and I don't want to lose any of you as readers, so I would greatly appreciate an email or comments about the new path that this blog will take.

Thank you for your continued prayers!

Wordless Wednesday

(If you're my friend on FB, don't mention anything there, please! We're waiting to tell the rest of my family (more than just parents) for a couple of weeks.)

Negativity is creeping in

I think there comes a point when no matter how much hope you have, negativity and doubt will always find a way to creep on in. That's where we sit now. 3dp6dt (IVF lingo for 3 days past our day 6 transfer) and feeling nothing...not that I necessarily should be...but I can't help but be anxious, nervous and scared for what lies ahead. Please be relentless in your prayers...

Transfer day

Today was our transfer day & everything went smoothly (minus my over-full bladder that I had to go partially empty - yeah, that was fun!). We transferred two beautiful embies & we've got 2 put away to freeze. We were kind of disappointed that there were only two embies left to freeze, but we keep telling ourselves that waiting until day 6 has weeded out any that wouldn't have survived the freeze/thaw process anyway, so we're saving "the creme of the crop!"

We've decided that we're not sharing the date of the beta with anyone at this time. With infertility, after sharing your hoo-ha with everyone and their brother, there is so little that is sacred, secret or special. Just rest assured that we will keep you all posted when we're ready to share the news (good or bad)!

Without further ado, here are the stars of the show...embies #16 & 19

Transfer time!

The moment we've all been waiting for! We got the call this morning to tell us that transfer day will be TOMORROW (Sunday), making it a day-6 transfer! I'll be honest and say that I was really hoping it would be today (so my babies could be with ME instead of in a petri-dish in a lab), but I trust that the embryologists make these decisions to the fullest of their ability, so I won't second guess that tomorrow is the right choice for us.

I'll try and check back in tomorrow from my self-imposed state of bed-riddenness (for a day). I'm sure I'll have my laptop by the bedside if anyone wants to drop me a note or words of encouragement (*wink, wink, nudge, nudge*)! I truly have the best bloggy buddies!