Baby Shower...ugh

I believe that today may go down in history as one of the darker days of our TTC journey...all because of a baby shower, the bane of my existence these days. Due to my overwhelming need for even an ounce of self-preservation, I haven't attended a baby shower since we've started TTC (although I would have during that first year, when I didn't know we were actually dealing with infertility, if I had been invited) and I swore that I wouldn't until I was pg with my own. I didn't even attend the shower of one of my best friends, who just had her baby 2 days ago. Thank God she's a great friend and understood. But I suppose there are things that just can't be avoided sometimes...like when your husband's brother & his wife are expecting. The only saving grace of the day is that they live on the other side of the country & therefore cannot take a bunch of stuff back with them on the plane, so everyone in the family is going in on their crib and bedding ($600-something bedding, mind you!!!!!). That means that I won't have to sit through everyone ooh-ing and aah-ing over all those cute little baby things that I wish I were opening instead of SIL. Another positive aspect of the day is that it is being played up more as a St. Patrick's Day party (it's for couples, not just women) than a baby shower, so with the exception of a couple balloons & a cake with a stork on them, I won't be drowning in a sea of baby-themed stuff.

...but I'm still not looking forward to going. I know it sounds so terrible and selfish because when the time comes for me to be having a baby shower, I will want people to be as happy and as excited as we will be...but at the same time, I don't ever want someone to think that they have to temporarily mask the pain and grief that they're feeling out of social obligation to a stupid party...why does it have to come down to a shower? Why is it OK for people to assume that just because I don't want to attend their shower, that I'm not happy for them. I AM happy for them. But you know what? I'm not happy about my own situation and seeing someone else's rightful joy, a joy that I long for and know that I may never experience, is purely a form of torture. I have no problem going out to lunch with the mommy-to-be, or going for a visit after the baby is born, but a day that's all about "mommy, mommy, mommy" and "baby, baby, baby" only serves as a reminder that the only purpose I thought I held in this life may never be fulfilled. And that just sucks.