Just so you know, I did have all intentions of writing a second post yesterday but, well, I honestly don't have a good excuse! I don't know where my night went! G was out kind of late & then we wanted to go work out at his parents' house (4 workouts for me this week! WOO HOO!), then I came home and made dinner (chicken w/ herbed gravy and rice) and by the time I was done cleaning up from dinner, making G's lunch and getting myself ready for the next day's work, I pretty much just went to bed!
But my post was GOING to be about my relationship with God as of late. I haven't posted much because I've kind of been in a weird place. Over the past year, my relationship with God has kind of been correlated to where we are in our TTC efforts. If we're pursuing treatments or waiting, I'm pretty good and I have a lot of hope and I really feel as though God is really with me and understanding me. But when we get bad news or plans change or get postponed, I get frustrated and angry with God for allowing this to be drawn out EVEN LONGER! I guess you could say that the stage we're in now is no different. We're juggling a couple of different donor prospects for the study; just getting myself to believe that we will actually get to be a part of this is enough to give me hope and feel as though God is coming through for us...but then to see how people have rallied around us and supported us is just amazing and it definitely shows God's faithfulness in His time. One woman from an online infertility support group has offered, as well as a middle/high school friend of mine from back in the day. Also, a friend from the online support group has been scouring her friends & moms groups and a third prospect has come forward, as well as a couple of people who have just randomly stumbled across my blog. I find it all so incredible. And humbling.
But I digress...back to the whole God thing...I was telling a fellow infertile blogger the other day that I often feel like Job. He was God's beloved; he was upright and of pure heart; he tried to please God in all he did. And then Satan came and destroyed all that he had. His family was gone, his home and riches were destroyed, he was covered in boils and sores and even his friends (who stood by him) didn't quite understand him. He felt so alone, yet he remained faithful to God and refused to turn on the Lord. There were times of desperation when he shook his fist at God and demanded to know "why?". But you know what? God basically gave it right back to him...and slowly, I, too, have been learning that I don't need to know WHY or HOW or WHEN...I just need to know how to have FAITH and PATIENCE and TRUST.
The Caedmon's Call song, "Faith My Eyes" has really been speaking to me lately. If you've never heard of CC or this song, you've gotta check them out!
But if I must go
Things I trust will be better off without me
But I don't want to know
Life is better off a mystery
So keep'em coming these lines on the road
And keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load
And keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise
And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes
But I get turned around
I mistake some happiness for blessing
But I'm blessed as the poor
Still I judge success by how I'm dressin
And also Caedmon's Call, "Table for Two"
'Cause You knew how You'd save me
before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day
long before You made me out of dirt
And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep.