A whole year has passed...

...since the last time I wrote in this blog and I am SO happy to report that not a thing has changed....other than maybe being $6000 poorer and 10 times more calloused and bitter...yep, that's me right now. Just reading these old blog entries gets me teary eyed because I recount this past year in my mind and realize that we're not one step closer to being parents (unless you count a miscarriage as being closer) than we were back then...it really tears me up inside. What I wouldn't give to have back that innocence and hope of two short years ago...

And here I am, trying to cling to my faith in God that He DOES have plans for me and that somehow these troubled times are part of that plan, but it is hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel...and I know all the sayings..."Trials will only make you stronger," and "If God brings you to it, God will bring you through it." or "God does not have the capacity to leave you or forget you" - really, I've heard them all, but the truth of the matter is that most days I do not feel strong, I don't feel like God is helping me to get through these times and I do feel like He's left and forgotten me. If this is part of His plan, can I get an itinerary or something? Really, I feel like 2.5 years of waiting is a long time to be patient and just sit back, wondering where this crazy train ride will take us next, waiting on seeing a dream fulfilled...don't I at least get to have SOME idea of what's going on? Don't my feelings and the desires of my heart matter...last time I read my bible, I thought that they did...I thought that the Lord put those desires there...now, instead of rejoicing when other women's dreams of motherhood are fulfilled and sharing in their joy, I cringe when I hear that another friend, family member, acquaintance, or even the lady cutting my hair is pregnant...it kills me to be filled with such jealousy, but I don't know what else to feel. Happiness about any baby other than my own right now just seems impossible...

If anyone even reads this, please pray...I am going to try to be more diligent about dumping my feelings out here. Today is a particularly rough day...I think the Lupron side effects are setting in...I wish I could even force myself to say that maybe this time, it will all be worth it, but I am nearly out of hope...