dark days

I know I have thousands of blessings in my life right now, but why do none of them seem to matter anymore? Once again today, the ultrasound tech was the bearer of bad news...after a doubled dose of the fertility meds from the last attempt at IVF, I didn't produce any more eggs than before, which tells me that I am dealing with diminished ovarian reserve....at the ripe old age of 27. I am absolutely devastated today...I was really hopeful about this cycle with being on the highest dose of meds and all..and now, well, I don't know that there's any hope left in me. For the second time now, we are forced to convert our IVF cycle to IUI (that makes IUI #6) and to hope for the best with the 3 eggs that I have in there. The doctor said that if this IUI doesn't work, she has one more medicinal option for us and then we may be faced with considering donor eggs...I feel like my entire womanhood has been stolen from me...

DONOR EGGS...a baby that wouldn't be my own biologically...will I feel better doing donor eggs at least knowing that I could experience pregnancy (which, for me, is probably the biggest part of the dream of motherhood)? Will I have to tell this baby that he/she isn't "my own?" Does it matter? Most of all, it just hurts to know that this beautiful union of marriage that G and I have formed will never be extended...my family genes may stop at me - and that tears me up inside.

Sorry for all the ramblings - i just can't even think straight today...I had to suck it up and put on a happy face after all this grave news because I had to go straight to work...God bless those kids for helping me to smile....but as soon as they left, I sat in my classroom and cried....it just isn't fair.