I'm always fascinated by the emotional stronghold that our lives' events seem to have over us at any given moment. For example, yesterday was a perfectly normal day & I was feeling pretty good about things. Everything is lining up for our IVF w/DE cycle & I'm thinking that "hey, yeah! I may actually get a chance at this mommy thing!" ...and THEN, I find out via FB that a friend of mine (who announced her FIRST pregnancy a couple of months after DH & I started trying for a baby almost FOUR YEARS AGO) just had her THIRD baby...yeah..as much as I love her (and I REALLY DO), Fertile Myrtles are the bane of my existence. I want to hate them. I guess sometimes I actually do...envy is probably a better word. I could never actually hate someone as sweet as her.
And then, a family friend posted her FB status as, "I wonder if little J will have a baby brother or a baby sister?" I hate PG announcements via facebook, unless they're my own or some other well-deserving infertile...I'm a jaded, insensitive, calloused, double-standard witch, huh? Hmmm, yeah, I know...but I guess I've earned my stripes.
And then we get the wonderful news today that if AF doesn't show up by the 12th (as in next Tuesday), then we will have to postpone our IVF w/ DE until July due to my donor going on vacation (no, I'm not upset about that at all, I'm not THAT horrible!) in mid-June, and the clinic being closed until July 1. Is it a huge deal to wait one month, especially after waiting four years? I guess not, but I'm thoroughly sick of being patient...which I think qualifies me as being thoroughly impatient, but I digress. Plus, I'm worried that if we wait until July, I will miss it then, as well, because I'm in my cousin's wedding on the 11th (hopefully, though, by then I will still be on the pill & they can have more control over everything).
Finally, there is the matter of the study. I had naively assumed that because we were taking part in a research study, that we would not be responsible for any costs associated with said study. The doctor had said previously that the only cost to us would be in getting our donor tested (about 2K or so). Imagine my surprise when I find out today that we are in fact responsible for some of the meds needed for the study. Lupron, Doxycycline & HCG are not covered under the study & donor meds are not covered under my insurance. Granted, none of those meds are crazy-expensive (around $400 total) and we don't have to pay for stims (thank GOD!)...and I know, in the grand scheme of a "free" $12000 procedure (or $25000 if you consider that this is a donor cycle), well, I shouldn't be complaining and fretting, but I hate being blind-sided by anything, most especially money matters.
So there you have it! My depressing post of the week! Please pray for AF to rear her BEAUTIFUL head soon (the nausea and irritability are a good sign, right?) so we can get this party started!
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7 comments:
I've never wished for an AF to come, but here I am, hoping for you! LOL. And I think you have every right to be impatient. :)
You know, right now it seems like SO LONG, but one day, when you ARE pregnant, and then when you HAVE a baby, it will be different. I promise.
In the meantime, and from the "other" side (cause, you know, I struggled with infertility too and have a baby now!), try to be happy for people who are pregnant. It can be so hard, but try. It's the right thing to do, and it will help your spirit.
One day, YOU will be that person, and you will want everyone to be happy for you! Not pouty and bitter towards you because you have what you want and they don't. And one day when it IS you, you will realize that it's like, the only thing you can talk about or think about too, because being pregnant and caring for a newborn can be JUST as hard as infertility (or even harder!).
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you! Hope your period shows up right away! :)
This post totally made me LOL because it is so right on! I don't think you're complaining - just being real and honest and I think we all need a little more of that. Praying for AF - I know when I stressed about her coming she of course would trick me and not come and so I'll pray that you will be so busy and preoccupied with other things that that doesn't happen. Lately I've been feeling the same way about FB announcements?? I wonder why after being blessed with our two miracles and now making a decision to not have any more miracles (at least not the Pip variety!) that my heart still hurts every time I hear of someone PG because I know I'll never experience it again. I'm tempted to pray that Hubby's procedure doesn't stick and I might just put off my surgery a little longer! :-) Love ya!
I'm waiting for AF too, so if she visits you first will you tell that wench to visit me next?
So sorry things are stresful right now!
I totally understand where you are coming!!!!!!!! Hang in there girl! Your day is coming soon! Get YOUR party hat!
Thanks for stopping by my blog! I hope I didn't sound mean up there! I just want you to know, I've been there too. Keep your chin up!
I'll be praying for AF to get her ASAP!
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