oh yeah...

Just to add to my previous post of random ramblings...I am extremely lazy. I wish that I weren't and I have absolutely NO motivation to work out EVER...especially in this cold weather. If anyone out there has any ideas for me (think cheap!) about how to get in a good workout, please let me know! I want to do some cardio, but I'm in pretty bad shape (despite my petite-ness)...workout suggestions, videos or anything are invited!! Please!!

nothing new

So I don't really have anything new to write about today...but I guess I will update (FINALLY) on the status of the insurance company debacle that's been going on for over a week now! I called the insurance company today and spoke with a very nice man, who seemed to be much more knowledgeable than the last person I spoke with. After re-explaining my situation to him & verifying that my birth control pills were NOT used for contracep.tion, but rather as part of a treatment, he put me on hold while he talked to pharmacy services. After just a minute or two, he nicely told me that they could retro-date my authorization 30 days prior to the authorization that I had already secured, which would take me back to November 17th; which means that I will at least get reimbursed for ONE of the times that I had the prescription filled. I didn't truly expect to be reimbursed for the ones that I got back in July, but of course it was worth trying and now I am just so happy to have it all straightened out. Now I know for future reference when I need bcp that I have to get them approved in advance...how in the heck would I know that anyway?

Otherwise, today was a pretty booooring day. I had work and the kids are good, but they are starting to drive me crazy...spring is in the air a bit early, apparently. I think that I have just been so patient all year, reminding myself that they are only 4, but now, my patience is running thin. I feel like they should be better at following directions or doing things that we have been doing ALL YEAR now. In hindsight, I think I'm a much better kindergarten teacher than a preschool teacher...maybe my expectations are just too high...or maybe I need to find a preschool that is more academically focused and less "cutesy, play-date" focused. I am a teacher, after all; not a ring-leader or a babysitter, which, at times, is what I think some of the parents would rather have. They are very into the social aspects of preschool, and are very concerned about doing programs, pageants and social get-togethers which, to me, don't seem to have much educational value...especially when you consider that all of these kids already know each other, and have play-dates with each other every other day.

But then I remind the parents (and myself) that I do know what is expected of these kids in kindergarten, since I've been there. I don't want them to get to kindergarten and have the teacher say, "Who in the heck was this kid's preschool teacher and why didn't she teach him anything?" I don't think it helps that this is a very "young" class and half of the kids won't be going to kindergarten next year anyway, but rather repeating a year of 4-yr-old preschool, or doing a 5-yr-old preschool program at another church/facility. That said, yes, maybe my expectations ARE too high...but I thought that same thing when I was teaching kindergarten, too, and look what happened at the end of the year...I had almost all of the kids reading and writing and TOTALLY prepared for 1st grade...and only one of the parents hated me at the end of the year. 1/43 isn't a bad statistic in my book.

Which brings me to another rant about not doing IVF this month...I was really hoping that this would be "it" for us & we'd be on board for an October baby which would mean that I would not be returning to work in the fall...now, while that still could happen, I'm not holding my breath on it. Do I look for a new (higher paying) job? Do I contently stay where I am even though the pay is rather insulting to me? In all honesty, I don't really want to go back to teaching in a public school district right now. The in-flexibility of it all just wouldn't work out with going to appointments, etc, and who knows how much longer I will need to be going to the doctor anyway. The stress of public schools is just too much on me. I guess I have a lot to pray about...

...and we wait

Our 6th (and hopefully final) IUI was yesterday. Despite the disappointing circumstances, it was so nice to have Gregg there with me and make me laugh during the 10 minute wait in the room, since usually, he goes to the office to make his deposit & then returns to work, then I show up at the office 1.5 hours later. We laughed and made fun of the cheesy Jim Brickman music that they played to "relax" me and tried to be as positive as possible about the outcome of this cycle. Afterall, as the dr. said, it "almost" worked last time...let's pray for a sticky baby.

As far as the future, I am feeling much better about things today. Based on the advice of some WONDERFUL online friends, I have begun researching facilities in order to get a second opinion. There is a highly regarded clinic in NJ that specializes in IVF. They have an online discussion forum through their website & actual doctors respond to your questions. I posted on the site about my situation (being referred to donor eggs) and the doctor replied quickly and very confidently that given my age and hormone levels, there is absolutely NO reason to jump to donor eggs at this point. That gave me lots of hope. Praise God that G is on board with this also...he sees the hurt in me and knows that we need to give this all we've got in order to see our dream of having our own child come to fruition...I won't be able to move on to other options (ie. donor eggs or adoption) until I have pursued every option that's presented to us. In addition, this clinic has an outcome-based program through which, if we qualify (I'm assuming we would based on age and health), we don't pay unless the IVF cycle is successful. To me, that makes such a huge difference and speaks volumes about their success rates and their devotion to their patients well-being. The Lord continues to provide opportunities and financial assitance, so we will continue to be faithful and pray.

Thanks for your continued prayers!

dark days

I know I have thousands of blessings in my life right now, but why do none of them seem to matter anymore? Once again today, the ultrasound tech was the bearer of bad news...after a doubled dose of the fertility meds from the last attempt at IVF, I didn't produce any more eggs than before, which tells me that I am dealing with diminished ovarian reserve....at the ripe old age of 27. I am absolutely devastated today...I was really hopeful about this cycle with being on the highest dose of meds and all..and now, well, I don't know that there's any hope left in me. For the second time now, we are forced to convert our IVF cycle to IUI (that makes IUI #6) and to hope for the best with the 3 eggs that I have in there. The doctor said that if this IUI doesn't work, she has one more medicinal option for us and then we may be faced with considering donor eggs...I feel like my entire womanhood has been stolen from me...

DONOR EGGS...a baby that wouldn't be my own biologically...will I feel better doing donor eggs at least knowing that I could experience pregnancy (which, for me, is probably the biggest part of the dream of motherhood)? Will I have to tell this baby that he/she isn't "my own?" Does it matter? Most of all, it just hurts to know that this beautiful union of marriage that G and I have formed will never be extended...my family genes may stop at me - and that tears me up inside.

Sorry for all the ramblings - i just can't even think straight today...I had to suck it up and put on a happy face after all this grave news because I had to go straight to work...God bless those kids for helping me to smile....but as soon as they left, I sat in my classroom and cried....it just isn't fair.

more insurance rants...

Since I've been ranting on and on about my insurance woes for two days, let's make it three. I still haven't figured out how to get my money back from the ins. co. for the bcp, but I am working on it...I may end up filing a grievance if they refuse to process a retroactive approval. Anyway, as I was browsing the coverage booklet for what things are and are not covered by our insurance, I found a page outlining various procedures that says "Assisted Fertilization Procedures - Not Covered"...and right below that, it says "Elective Abortions - 100% covered" - I almost fell out of my chair and cried...they will let us kill babies on their dime, but not make them...modern medicine at its finest, I tell you...This is one of those times that I wish G worked for a regular corporation instead of a school...with a regular corporation, you could just go to HR to lobby for IF coverage, but with a school district, everything would have to be taken up with a union rep...and convincing that person that IF coverage is something worthy of being added to a contract (when there's a possibility of going on strike if the teachers & district can't agree on which concessions to make) is nearly impossible...

Ok, I promise (maybe) that this is the last insurance rant for a while...

"Let go and let God"

I am now on a quest to "Let go and Let God" in regards to this whole IVF/baby/IF saga; therefore I have decided that I need to get today's newest frustration off my chest so that I can wash my hands of it and "let God"...sooooo, here's my next moan-fest about this money-hungry world that we live in...

A month or so ago, I was at the pharmacy picking up my birth control pills (bcp) for the start of this IVF cycle. I noticed that I had to pay for them, which was contrary to what the Dr's office (benefits coordinator) had told me that my insurance would cover...I was to pay for only the med. co-pays...I spoke with the pharmacist about it and he printed me off the receipts from that prescription and also the one in July, which I also must have unknowingly paid for. I called the ins. company about it and they told me that I would have to get prior authorization on bcp, since usually it is not covered (when being used for traditional birth control purposes). I had the dr office fill out a form for prior authorization, which was then faxed to the insurance company. I figured, in my naivety about insurance companies, that since the same doctor signed the authorization form as prescribed the meds, that they would just go ahead and reimburse me for those two prescriptions...after all, that was why I was going through all this trouble in the first place. About a week later, I receive a paper telling me that my bcp prescription would be covered for a year, starting on December 17th...which was the day the dr. had faxed the form over...

...so, another call to the ins. company...another time explaining my case...and this time, the woman tells me that I will need to fill out a Prescription Reimbursement form for the meds in question. Ok, that makes sense to me...now that the meds have been approved by the insurance, it seems reasonable that I should have to fill out this form, considering that they were purchased prior to the authorization date...so, I go through all the mumbo-jumbo of filling out the form and getting the pharmacist to sign it, yadda-yadda-yadda...

Lo and behold! Today, I get an envelope in the mail from the ins. company and I am feeling like today is my lucky day! A check for $60...nope, no such luck..."We're sorry to inform you that your claim has been denied!"

So...in other words....you approve a prescription for coverage after I already had to purchase it (I mean, I needed it after all) because you never bothered to let me know that it is only covered in special circumstances (which I have) and with special approval (which I also have). But you somehow expect me to know that I must have special approval for those special circumstances IN ADVANCE of knowing that they weren't even covered in the first place...are you still with me? good...me neither...sigh

Letting go and letting God...

as if my $12,000 wasn't enough...

I know, I know...there's no such thing as a free lunch, but gosh, I'm so freaking upset about this...I called the Dr office today because I have to go in tomorrow morning for a follicle scan & bloodwork, so I was wondering if while I was there, whoever did my bloodwork could just give me my AM shot of Lupron as well. The Dr. office calls me back and tells me that they can put me on the schedule at 7:30 (15 minutes before my ultrasound appt.), so that they can do my Lupron shot, but that there will be a charge of $30! I could not believe my ears - I mean, seriously, it takes like 10 seconds or less & the only reason that I don't want to do it is because I'm so scared of hitting a vein again...So it's not enough that I've already paid them $12K that we just DON'T really need to be parting with and they can't give me one little shot?! It's not like I'm asking them to do it everyday or anything...I'm so frustrated right now. It isn't that I can't do it myself...and I do understand that nothing in this world is free, but gee...when you're paying so much money OUT OF POCKET for a huge procedure like this, you would think that there would at least be a few little perks along the way. I'm sure this somehow comes back to the insurance companies or liability or something...

Fortune Cookie

I wanted to add a second post today because I just now finished eating my dinner (leftover Chinese from yesterday) and I opened the fortune cookie...it said: "Your present plans are going to succeed." I truly hope that is right...

this is truly amazing...

this was just sent to me today and it really is amazing...and it really hit home to me, especially since our pastor is doing a sermon series right now about "Answering the Atheist Attack". Next week's sermon, in particular, is supposed to focus on how Atheists claim that religion is nothing more than brainwashing a child into believing their parents' beliefs, instead of allowing them to make a decision on their own (which I think is a stupid claim, since isn't that how EVERYTHING is learned? Being passed down from one generation to another, but I digress...) Please, check this out! This girl is truly amazing!

Just call me HP...

...as in, the Human Pincushion. Let me tell you, these three shots a day are really kicking my butt. My only affirmation is that it WILL all be worth it in the end, but wow....The lupron in the AM hurts going in because the needle gets dulled by the bottle stopper when it gets drawn up, and the stims hurt just because of the sheer volume of liquid that's being forced into one tiny spot in my belly...and to have to do two of them is really uncomfortable. My MIL's been doing them, so that's nice, not having to worry if I am mixing & drawing it up right, or where to put the needle, but she even said today that it's been hard to find a new spot on my belly...especially when she's trying to avoid my bruise that's still lingering from over a week ago, when I hit a vein doing my own lupron shot. Just keep praying that everything looks good at the first follie scan on Wednesday.

A little inspiration for your day...

I saw this video and it brought tears to my eyes and a lump in my throat...
click here to watch the short movie

Always remember that you're always making a difference in people's lives...even the smallest gesture can brighten someone's day!

For once - a good day!

So, I woke up today when Gregg's alarm went off and I couldn't make myself fall back to sleep, even though I didn't have to get up for another hour and a half. I just had this ominous feeling of dread, like I knew that the inevitable bad news of today's appointment was looming over me. (I stopped bcp's on Sunday and AF never showed up, so I assumed the worst, that IVF would have to be postponed or cancelled). I think I did end up going back to sleep for about 20 minutes or so. I shuffled around the house as I was getting ready, mentally preparing myself for the worst. I drove over to Gregg's parents' house so that his mom could give me my shot and then I hopped in the car and left for my appointment...in case you aren't aware - I had been giving the shots to myself until the fateful day when I hit a vein and got a lovely purple-brown bruise to show for it...I decided that I wasn't going to be a martyr any longer...if someone was available to do my shot, I was going to let them...saves me the stress of wondering where to poke myself.

Anyway, a gamut of emotions and thoughts ran through me while I was driving to the RE's office. First, I got really depressed and mad that we were going to have ANOTHER cycle canceled because of my body's inability to cooperate...and then I took a deep breath and remembered what God has been showing me...that he will not leave me OR forget me...and that worrying over the situation wasn't going to change the outcome...if we were going to be canceled, I had no control over it...all I could do was to pray...so I prayed that God would take charge of the situation and bless it and make it good...at the time, I wasn't really sure how He could do that, but time would tell...

I got to the RE's office and went in for my ultrasound...the ultrasound tech said something that was like music to my ears..."your lining looks good and your ovaries are clear!" - yay! No cysts - and apparently, AF somehow did her business invisibly...the nurse told me that even if I did start to bleed, everything looked good for me to start stims on Saturday - I felt like a weight had literally been lifted off of my chest! I couldn't believe it!! All I needed now was for my bloodwork to come back normal...so I waited nervously until about 4:30 and when the phone call never came, I breathed a huge sigh of relief! I can't believe we get to move forward for IVF #2 - I am definitely coveting your prayers right now...the whole ride home, I thanked God for answering my prayer from the morning and for reminding me that worrying will not help the situation, only hinder my relationship with Him...

I go back for my first follie scan on Wednesday! We just have to make it to ER this time! WE just have to!!!

A whole year has passed...

...since the last time I wrote in this blog and I am SO happy to report that not a thing has changed....other than maybe being $6000 poorer and 10 times more calloused and bitter...yep, that's me right now. Just reading these old blog entries gets me teary eyed because I recount this past year in my mind and realize that we're not one step closer to being parents (unless you count a miscarriage as being closer) than we were back then...it really tears me up inside. What I wouldn't give to have back that innocence and hope of two short years ago...

And here I am, trying to cling to my faith in God that He DOES have plans for me and that somehow these troubled times are part of that plan, but it is hard to see that light at the end of the tunnel...and I know all the sayings..."Trials will only make you stronger," and "If God brings you to it, God will bring you through it." or "God does not have the capacity to leave you or forget you" - really, I've heard them all, but the truth of the matter is that most days I do not feel strong, I don't feel like God is helping me to get through these times and I do feel like He's left and forgotten me. If this is part of His plan, can I get an itinerary or something? Really, I feel like 2.5 years of waiting is a long time to be patient and just sit back, wondering where this crazy train ride will take us next, waiting on seeing a dream fulfilled...don't I at least get to have SOME idea of what's going on? Don't my feelings and the desires of my heart matter...last time I read my bible, I thought that they did...I thought that the Lord put those desires there...now, instead of rejoicing when other women's dreams of motherhood are fulfilled and sharing in their joy, I cringe when I hear that another friend, family member, acquaintance, or even the lady cutting my hair is pregnant...it kills me to be filled with such jealousy, but I don't know what else to feel. Happiness about any baby other than my own right now just seems impossible...

If anyone even reads this, please pray...I am going to try to be more diligent about dumping my feelings out here. Today is a particularly rough day...I think the Lupron side effects are setting in...I wish I could even force myself to say that maybe this time, it will all be worth it, but I am nearly out of hope...