Wednesday, September 06, 2006

So confused

So I'm really starting this blog just for myself - for my feelings and to vent about my frustrations about everything going on in my life. I'm so confused about everything. I never ever pictured my life being this way if I had tried to look ahead five years ago...I thought I would either be teaching in my own classroom or home happily raising a I am doing neither and it makes me feel like my life has no purpose or meaning. I am trying to cling to God through all of this, but it gets increasingly harder the further and further we get into all of this infertility stuff. I wouldn't mind not having a job so much if I could just get life would finally feel like it had some purpose.

I even put my own desires aside and applied to substitute just to make ends meet this year - if anyone knows me, they know how much I absolutely despise subbing. I am just not that flexible, fly-by-the-seat-of-the-pants type of person. It really is different when it is your own classroom - you can be more flexible because you know all the kids, you know the school, you know the procedures & you know who to ask when you have a question or concern - subbing is the PITS.

This whole infertility thing has made me super-depressed, now that I have the time to deal with it and think about it on a daily basis (which isn't a good thing, I know). It basically sucks...I know, I never say that word, but it does. Just the whole insecurity of the unknown - I mean, what if I really CAN'T have my own child? My life really WOULD have NO PURPOSE then! I don't WANT to teach for the rest of my life - I want to be a mom and pass on my knowledge to my own children...maybe someday I would return to it, but I can't even wrap my head around that idea right now. I KNOW that God has a plan for me, but right now, I just can't figure out what that might be. I truly can't believe that the Lord wouldn't want me to be a mother - I mean, people have been telling me since I was 10 years old that I was a kid-magnet...and my high school friends used to joke about how angelic my future children would be...that I just have "a way with little ones". When I graduated high school, all I could think about was getting married and starting a family...not going to college parties or anything like that. I was born to be a mother... God, how much longer do I need to wait?


My mantra: God promised a safe landing, not a smooth journey. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!


Sandy said...

"my life has no purpose now" That has been in my mind a lot lately. Glad to know it's not just me :)