Still in the Dark

Although I feel that we are *slightly* closer to seeing that light at the end of the tunnel, I still feel very much in the dark right now. We found out Monday exactly what has been preventing us from getting pregnant over the past year: G's sperm counts are good, but their motility & morphology are pretty much horrible. This is where I become really frustrated that the Dr.'s office wouldn't even let us do an out-of-pocket sperm analysis six months ago when I wanted to - we have wasted an entire year for nothing. Honestly, if you're not PG after 6 months & you as a woman know you have very regular cycles & are ovulating, I really think that insurance companies & Dr. offices should let you get an SA...but, I digress....

SO, now at least we know what is wrong, but that also basically means that we have a next-to-zero percent chance of getting pregnant on our own - ever! G's happy because that means he never has to wear condoms again & if we end up with an oops baby, well hallelujah! Some of those little guys CAN actually swim that far! Our recent SA findings have, however, helped me to stop thinking about what CD I'm on or anything that my body may be doing during the 2ww - while I do believe in miracles, I have no reason to think that it's going to happen to me! Now of course, we just have to do more waiting...wait until Oct. 2nd for DH's 2nd SA & then wait another month (and WASTE another month) until Nov. 2nd when we go in for the follow-up with the RE. I'm sick of waiting already - I've already been waiting 14 freaking months for this baby - I don't want to wait 2 more to even start THINKING about doing IUI or IVF or whatever the RE wants us to do.

I guess all I can do is just pray...
T

Encouragement of Friends

One thing that has helped to get me through all of this infertility stuff has been the encouragement and support of family and friends. Honestly, I did NOT want to tell family and friends of our struggles (ok, maybe a few people, but not many) because I really wanted to be able to surprise people - well, now everyone knows of our struggles and it just seems like no one will be excited when we actually do get pregnant. I know, I know...who cares, right? At least we'll be pregnant (I totally agree) but there's that little part of me that just can't help being upset that nothing is turning out like I had planned.

There has been a really positive outcome to all of it, however. You really find out who cares about you in the tough times. My friends have really been so supportive. They call more, send encouraging emails & have just been there for me more than ever before in my life. And our families have been wonderful, as well. I know that it is hard for people who haven't struggled with infertility to know what to say, but our families have been the best! I haven't gotten any of the "just relax and it will happen" (except from my dr.) or "you can always adopt" (because people know how important it is for us to have biological children).

Never take for granted that you actually have children...or that you are someone's child. It really is a wonderful gift - a miracle!

So confused

So I'm really starting this blog just for myself - for my feelings and to vent about my frustrations about everything going on in my life. I'm so confused about everything. I never ever pictured my life being this way if I had tried to look ahead five years ago...I thought I would either be teaching in my own classroom or home happily raising a family...now I am doing neither and it makes me feel like my life has no purpose or meaning. I am trying to cling to God through all of this, but it gets increasingly harder the further and further we get into all of this infertility stuff. I wouldn't mind not having a job so much if I could just get pregnant...my life would finally feel like it had some purpose.

I even put my own desires aside and applied to substitute just to make ends meet this year - if anyone knows me, they know how much I absolutely despise subbing. I am just not that flexible, fly-by-the-seat-of-the-pants type of person. It really is different when it is your own classroom - you can be more flexible because you know all the kids, you know the school, you know the procedures & you know who to ask when you have a question or concern - subbing is the PITS.

This whole infertility thing has made me super-depressed, now that I have the time to deal with it and think about it on a daily basis (which isn't a good thing, I know). It basically sucks...I know, I never say that word, but it does. Just the whole insecurity of the unknown - I mean, what if I really CAN'T have my own child? My life really WOULD have NO PURPOSE then! I don't WANT to teach for the rest of my life - I want to be a mom and pass on my knowledge to my own children...maybe someday I would return to it, but I can't even wrap my head around that idea right now. I KNOW that God has a plan for me, but right now, I just can't figure out what that might be. I truly can't believe that the Lord wouldn't want me to be a mother - I mean, people have been telling me since I was 10 years old that I was a kid-magnet...and my high school friends used to joke about how angelic my future children would be...that I just have "a way with little ones". When I graduated high school, all I could think about was getting married and starting a family...not going to college parties or anything like that. I was born to be a mother... God, how much longer do I need to wait?

T

My mantra: God promised a safe landing, not a smooth journey. If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it!