Friday, July 30, 2010

You are not alone

A fellow IF-er posted this today on my IF board and I asked her permission to share it with you...

I try and thank all of you often, but I don’t know how to impress how deeply my thanks to you goes. I have come to learn the hard way that infertility is one of the most brutal inhumane, unrelenting battles a person can fight. Each disappointment feels like a small death. SO many dreams die when you are struggling to create a family. I was always one of those girls who stuffed pillows up her dress and pretended to be pregnant. It wasn’t just a dream, it was an inevitability. Of course I would fall in love, get married and get pregnant like everyone else. Why wouldn’t I? That’s how life works isn’t it? Not so much for me. I’m coming to grips with the fact that a big round belly doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me. I know that I will be a mother, but it’s still painful to let go of the dream that I will carry my own baby.

This is where you come in. Every time I see that doctor no matter how much I try and prepare myself for bad news it feels like someone has sliced my heart wide open. The pain is something I have only experienced when someone I love has died. The problem is that nobody has died. I am expected to pick myself up, dust myself off and head back to work. How am I supposed to go on with my life when a huge hole has been cut into my heart? This is where all of you come in. Over and over you immediately swoop in with your needles and thread and sew my heart back together. Each of you put a little stitch or two into my mangled heart and mend it with your love. Your constant and unwavering love heals my heart right back up and it’s stronger than ever. This battle has not weakened my heart, but made it stronger. It is thick and strong with all of the scars of this merciless struggle. My heart is this big huge patchwork quilt of your love. It is now stronger and capable of holding more love than ever thanks to all of your handiwork. I will never be able to thank you, especially my war buddies who rescue me over and over while they are still on the battlefield themselves. When we do welcome a baby into our family, because one way or another we will, it is going to be the luckiest child in the entire world to be loved by each and every one of you.

With all of that said, I am going to stop crying and I am going to go read my book of baby names because as sad as I am, you are all sewing away right now, I will be better shortly and I know that we will have a baby that will need a name very soon.


Tina said...

That brought on the tears. Beautifully written.

DaisyGal said...

that is beautiful...and written with so much honesty about how it feels to have other women go through the struggle with you.
I feel that way about the women (including you) that were there for me during the worst times, the scary times ..because without you...I don't know if there would have been a Gio & were there to help me keep fighting.


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