Monday, January 12, 2009

the ups and downs

As you can see from my blog's tag-line, infertility is definitely full of its ups and downs. This week has been no exception.

We continue to search for our egg donor for the embryo biopsy study. As I mentioned before, everyone who has come forward has been too old, too pregnant or too infertile. A former student's mom (who is 36) offered to do it, and when she couldn't, she told her sister about it (also a member of our church), but she's currently BF-ing her 3rd baby, so is therefore not ovulating right now. A second friend from elementary/middle/high school emailed and offered, but she's currently TTC her second & has discovered that she's not ovulating, so that disqualifies her from being a good candidate...It truly is a humbling experience though. It's so amazing to me how many people have come forward and said, "If I wasn't __________, I would absolutely do this for you. I really wish I could." And you know what? I think they really mean it. And that warms my heart. There really are still good people out there. Those are the ups we've been experiencing...

And of course there are the downs, as well...I'm not even really sure how to type this out because I'm still so shocked about it really, but I guess I'll throw it out there...and maybe some feedback from my loyal readers will give me better insight into that which I obviously don't understand.

A few days after we learned about the donor egg study, I emailed one of the pastors of our church (a woman who suffered with infertility herself for 13 years before adopting her son 5 years ago) who is also the leader of the infertility support group at the church. I wrote to ask if she would consider being a contact person when we anonymously put a request for an egg donor volunteer in the church bulletin. The church often uses the bulletin to post for people who are in need of jobs, cars to borrow for work, or even a hospital bed for someone on bed rest.

Why would I think this need would be any different? Well, apparently it is. Because it has been over a month and still, nothing has been printed in the bulletin and all I have heard back from this pastor (twice) is, "We've (all of the pastors) been discussing what to do about this, since it is such a sensitive area." and, "Well.....I don't know yet. Have you tried looking at colleges and universities for a donor?" Both of these statements have done nothing but INFURATE G & me. Am I wrong to feel this way? I mean, I just don't understand...this is supposed to be our safe haven. Our place to go for help. And here we are, nothing short of begging, and our own church isn't willing to help us. I mean, granted, they haven't told us no, but I just don't understand.

First of all, the whole "sensitive" comment doesn't make an ounce of sense to me. This situation isn't any more sensitive for anyone than US. WE are the ones putting ourselves out there and shouting to the world, "Hey look at me! We're infertile!" Seriously, would it offend you to see that advertised in your church bulletin?

And secondly, I absolutely cannot believe that she would even THINK of suggesting that we search colleges and universities for an egg donor. The whole point of asking at the church was to give us a bit of control over our clientele. We want someone with a vested interest in helping someone else...not a vested interest in making a few extra bucks to pay tuition. I mean, who's to say that our college donor wasn't out drinking and doing drugs while growing our eggs? Even as a responsible college student, I know that I never could have understood how much the gift of egg donation would have meant to an infertile couple, so for the pastor to even SUGGEST it just totally upsets me. I even just put our request on a prayer card with, "Prayers for an infertile couple seeking an egg donor" and they won't even print that in the bulletin...I seriously have sat through the past two church services and cried and cried...

So maybe I'm being overly sensitive & please feel free to call me out on it....but I just know that this situation has made me look at our church (which I hold so near and dear) in a completely different way. I feel like so many bridges have been burned by what should have been an amazing opportunity for us, and an amazing opportunity for the church to fill this miraculous need for us...this down is a pretty low one...


Anonymous said...

Praying for you dear. So sorry for this recent heartache. I work for a church and I can totally relate to some of the insensitive down right crazy decisions that are made. Personally I don't think you are being unreasonabe especially since it would be anonymous. We put every single prayer request out and if it's senstitive we just leave the name out. Anyway, we'll be praying their hearts would change. And we're praying for a donor. Love you!

Ter said...

I do not think you're being overly sensitive about your reaction. I would feel quite the same as you. I guess some "very religious" people feel that to get pregnant in any way other than "the normal way" is morally wrong. I'm sorry you have to put up with this.... because all you want is a baby and there's nothing wrong with that! You are one of the good people who deserve to have a child, and I hope you will get that chance.

Anonymous said...

Isnt sad that we have come to protect those who we are afraid of offending, rather than protect the ones that are hurting?
I would not be offended at all if I read that in a chruch bullentin. I am with you, I think that would be one of the best places to start.
Good luck to you. I hope these people see the light and help you too!

Mommy-To-A-Miracle said...

I cannot believe that they refuse to post this in their bulletin. That is just so unfair. You are a faithful Christian just looking to build your family. Creating a family comes so easily for others, while the rest of us sit and suffer for years on end. Your trying to reach out for help, and they have all but denied you that help :(
I, too, would feel completely different about the church and their practice at this point.
I absolutely wish I wasn't as old as I am. I'd be there in a heartbeat to help you out!
Sending you big hugs across the miles. I hope to be the answer to your prayers next year, unless you find your miracle before that time.

Erin said...

Wow, either I am the only reader who feels this way or the only one who will say it, and I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I think that is an absolutely innapropriate thing to put in a church bulletin. I would be making a meeting to meet with my pastor if something like that were ever to appear in our bulletin. Prayers for your infertility problems, definitely, but soliciting a body part is WAY over the line in my book.