Monday, May 12, 2008

Tomorrow is the day...

I can finally say it...24 hours from now, I'll know my fate. And as much as I hate to be a pessimist right now, I continue to prepare myself for the worst. It isn't that I have any hard and fast signs that our doom is impending, but after being beaten to the ground and kicked while I'm down for the past 3 years, I just have a hard time being a shining optimist these days. In all honesty, I haven't had any signs or symptoms leaning in either direction, but then again, with all of the progesterone I'm hopped up on right now, I suppose that anything is possible, since it does tend to mask or mimic some of the PG symptoms.

Even though I've never been a POAS-happy kind of person (that's pee on a stick for the non-IF-lingo inclined), Gregg wants me to test in the morning so that we find out the news together. He doesn't want me to get terrible or happy news via a phone call and then have to wait to get a hold of him when he would have a free period at school. I definitely understand where he's coming from, but part of me would rather just let fate run its course. Although I'm sure I will POAS just to humor him...and so that I don't have to worry about not being able to take the call if my preschoolers should happen to be having some typical 3-year-old crisis that I just CAN'T avoid.

I asked my boss today if there would be any way that she could come back tomorrow afternoon and relieve me of my afternoon shift, since I know that work is the LAST place I will want to be if I get bad news tomorrow. I'll want to be at home snuggling with Gregg and crying my eyes out until I fall asleep...

On those lines, let me tell you that G and I have been praying like fiends these past few days...I know it sounds terrible to heap on those extra prayers when times are tough (I mean, shouldn't we be praying our hearts out all the time?), but it's been a source of comfort to me to be able to pour my heart out to God and know that he feels what my heart's feeling...he knows how much I want this baby...how much WE want this baby, but I can't get over the nagging feeling of how angry I will be with God if things just don't work out. I hate feeling that way. I hate being a fair-weather Christian. But I also hate that my life hasn't turned out AT ALL the way that I had thought it would. I know, I know...our plans aren't God's plans. And I guess that's the mystery of it all, but I can't shake the feeling of wondering what my purpose in this life could possibly be, if it isn't to mother children? Please pray...please, please pray.

And to leave you on a happier (but might-make-you-cry-a-little) note, let me tell you what G did for me yesterday. He knows that Mother's Day has been a rough day for me over the past 3 years. This year was especially rough, knowing that we would have a 1-2 month old baby right now if we hadn't lost it to a chemical pregnancy back in August...They always recognize Mother's Day at church...but since one of our pastors struggled with infertility for MANY years herself (and went on to adopt), the church community is very sensitive to those who cannot have children, who have lost children, or who have lost their mothers, as this can be a not-so-happy time. They showed a really funny video (you can watch it here) about all of the things that moms do in a single day (summed up in about 3 minutes) & then at the end of the service, all of the men in the congregation went up to the front to "serenade" us with a Men's Choir rendition of Awesome God & Blessed Assurance. Needless to say, I sobbed through most of the service...just the nature of the day is enough to put me on edge, but knowing that just 2 days later would seal our fate for all Mother's Days to come...well, I was a basket case. So, we came home afterwards...I napped & showered. When I got out of the shower...there on my pillow, I see a tiny purple card with my name on it. I open it up to find a card that says...Mother's Day...it's a time for celebrating women who guide with strength and listen with love - wonderful women like you! And then DH wrote, "I'm not sure if this is it for us, but I hope you realize that you WILL be a Mommy someday! If it is it, then Happy Mother's Day from the little one(s) - and Faithy [our cat] too. I love you!! ~G" That guy sure knows how to make a girl cry...

I'll make a post tomorrow evening too! I promise!

4 comments:

Kristen said...

I will be waiting on pins and needles all day, thinking and praying that you and G get wonderful news.

Ter said...

(((hugs)))
I totally understand your questions regarding what your purpose in life is... I have been through those questions a million times over in the last nearly 3 years now.

I wish you the best news tomorrow.

Hafsa said...

Teri,

I know exactly where you're coming from. I have recently either been faithfully praying the rosary and novenas to St. Jude like crazy or I've been angry with God and crying my eyes out. At one time or another we are all fairweather Christians. I am praying for you so hard and I know whatever God wills, it is always good. Nothing bad comes from the Lord as much as that's hard to hear right now, I know you believe that.

Hafsa

Kimberly said...

Thank you for your honesty. I recognized so many of my own feelings in this post... especially about being a fair-weather Christian. The infertility roller-coaster affects every aspect of one's life, but especially one's relationship with God. I've come to place where I still cry out "why?" while trusting him with the next steps. I just rely on him one day at a time because when I think about the future, it is too much. I think her has purposely brought me to this place of complete dependance, but the circumstances still hurt. In my case, it's 4 years of infertility and 2 years (so far) trying to adopt a baby from China.

Teri, I'll be praying for you. Your blog has helped me.