Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Crawling out from under my rock...

I guess a week is a long enough mourning period, that I should now be crawling out from under my rock to say hello to everyone again...even though it doesn't feel like long enough. My tears are dried up for now...I have nothing left inside of me except hurt and emptiness...but I know I need to pick up and keep going because life goes on, even when I don't want it to. So here I am.

This past week has been the worst week of my entire life...not only has God told me that I'm not having a baby anytime in the next 9 months, but basically, I feel like I've been told that I will never bear my own child. I will never see our miniature reflection of Gregg and I running around our yard...and that hurts...it sucks...and it isn't fair. Even if my eggs are still good in there, we don't have enough money to give it another try. We don't have enough money to try donor eggs (which costs twice as much as regular IVF) and we don't have enough money to start even thinking about adoption...I know there are adoption grants out there, but my gut is telling me that I could possibly only have 5 more good child-bearing years left in me. And I won't be able to rest until I've been given the "I'm sorry, your time's up" speech...that will be my only form of closure on this...we won't be too old to adopt in another 5 years, but I may be too old to have my own child, so I just need to focus on getting pregnant right now...and we will worry about other things later...my in-laws approached me the other night about a possible way to fund another IVF for us, so I'm hopeful that I may be able to get at least one more shot at it...now the question is where to go? Do we stay with the current doctor (I don't want to but DH does) or do we go somewhere else with a doctor that specializes in poor responders, such as myself? In the meantime, I am researching possible IVF studies where I could get into an IVF cycle for free. So, that's where we are now...and my follow-up appointment with my current doctor isn't until...get this...JULY 8th. What in the heck? By then, you aren't even going to remember what happened in my cycle...how is the doctor even going to talk about it? And what if I wanted to get in on the next IVF cycle, then what? I would have to wait until August-September...just another reason for me to be friggin' frustrated with this doctor's office.

Work has been...work. My frustration started last week...remember when I told you that my boss said that she would come back to relieve me on the day of my pregnancy test if I got bad news? well...she saw me crying my eyes out to my other co-workers, but as she left for the day, I heard her say to some of the other people, "I'm going home! I've been here since 6:3oAM" and just like that, she left! I was so freaking ticked off...so, she threw me to the wolves on the worst day of my entire life...she made me stay there ALL DAY and suffer...all I wanted to do was be home with Gregg...but instead of doing her job and finding someone else to cover for me in what I considered to be an emergency situation, she just decides that she's done for the day and leaves. So ever since then, I have gotten frustrated with my work situation pretty easily. I LOVE teaching the preschoolers, but I hate the after school responsibilities and the fact that my boss isn't willing to make any changes...so I have to continue to suffer through it until June 11th, which is the end of the school-year program. After that begins the regular summer-camp program. I am freakin' counting down the days...and I'm never doing big-kid daycare again...EVER!

Speaking of work, I have a hilarious story to tell you today. We had beach day at preschool. We were supposed to go outside and play fun water games, etc, but the weather didn't exactly cooperate. It rained all day. So, we gave the kids the choice of watching the Little Mermaid or Jonah and the Whale (VeggieTales) . They laid on their beach towels on the floor, while wearing their swimsuits, sunglasses, etc. Because it's the end of our school year, we are also celebrating summer birthdays...so one of my students brought in ice cream cups for his birthday and another student's mom (who has 5 kids and works part time, mind you), made this cake (complete with blue Jello water and sugar candy rocks) for our Beach Day festivities...obviously she's insane. Anyway, the kids were having a great time when the birthday boy stood up during the movie to throw his garbage away...he's not the most coordinated of kids & ended up stepping right in someone else's half-eaten bowl of ice cream and cake. Before I even had time to think, he bent over, used his spoon to scrape the cake and ice cream off the bottom of his foot & he stuck it in his mouth and ate it!!!!!! I just sat there, mouth hanging open, flabbergasted...He then tried to use his spoon to scrape cake and ice cream off of the floor (that had previously been on his foot) and eat it...but I managed to intervene before that could happen.

Thank you, my sweet internet friends, for all of your prayers, kind words, and support. It was amazing to see old friends and new, lurking readers come out to lend their shoulders in my time of grief and need. Please comment more often...and I promise that once this week is over (my last week of preschool), I will be a better commenter on your blog, as well!!!


Hafsa said...

Your blog reads like a pack of sour patch kids...sour then sweet :) I have the same feelings about my job and hating after school responsiblities. My boss isn't the most organized and that is quite frustrating! I am so sorry to hear about the IVF financial situation. I know it seems hopeless for you right now but I know something will come out of all of this. Something really good.

P.S. I too am counting down the days until summer break. My last day is June 6th and I'm skipping the staff luncheon bc I cannot stand the majority of ppl I work with so there you go.

Cathy N said...

I am still praying for your broken heart. I will also pray for the money to come in for another try.

Anonymous said...

i am so sorry for u. i truly hope something works out in ur favor. whether it be a successful IVF or adoption. don't give up hope!

Ter said...

My friend, I'm sorry that this has happened to you. Never appologize for your grief period, there will always be ups and downs on the rollercoaster of grief, and while you and I are grieving in different ways, for slightly different reasons, we are still grieving for the mommy-hood that we crave.

You may be one of those people who gets pregnant as soon as you stop trying. I hope so. If not, I hope you will find some kind of happiness to heal your broken heart.

Elizabeth Byler Younts said...

i'm so sorry about all the tears and anguish...i've been praying for you.

i am sure you've blogged about it, but i can't remember what your specific infertility issue is? I went through acupuncture before and during my IVF cycle and that is supposed to help bloodflow and there are studies out there that show that it has helped people respond better to the drugs...b/c of bloodflow I think. check out www.eastwindsacupuncture.com and i think the research is on there...or some links. it also made me REALLY CALM and in charge of my emotions more than i've ever been.

just a thot?????

please keep us informed...God will show you the way to healing and your next steps.


Erin K. said...

I'm not really sure what to say here, but I at least want to comment and give you a cyber hug. I pray that God will give you wisdom to know what next steps to take, and that he will provide the finances necessary!

Megan said...

OK - the story about the ice cream is classic and hilarious and cringe worthy all at once!
Thanks for the update - I've been thinking about you guys so much. I'll keep praying as you struggle through this mourning period and try and discern what the next step is.

Tina said...

Your post made me miss work :) I miss my kids so much. I'm still so so sorry about your failed IVF cycle. Your boss is really a piece of work to make you stay. When my first IVF didn't take, I cried and had to leave. I didn't even wait for coverage. You are a much stronger person than I am :). Also, if your gut tells you to chose another dr, and you can, I would. I never got the feeling but felt that my RE was doign the best job possible and you should feel the same. I hope there is someway for you to afford another IVF cycle. God works in mysterious ways and no one knows what his plan is for you. I will keep you in my heart and prayers.