wii is for mii

At least for the time being, I'm putting IF out of my head for a while...worrying about it, the money, no baby, etc, isn't going to help and I know that God is working on something for us, even though it KILLS me to not know what it is or when, or if it's in MY plan for this life...

So let's talk about happier topics on this blog, shall we? let's talk about me getting in shape! Or more specifically, me crippling myself for 3 days while attempting to get in shape... thanks to my new wii Fit system! The saddest part is that I only used it for 45 minutes on Saturday and by Sunday morning, I was walking down stairs like a 90 year old woman! It's now Wednesday and I am just finally starting to walk without a limp going down the stairs. My abs and thighs really got a work-out, thanks to the Hula-hoop game, the ski jump, the yoga exercises, and the balance activities! I have finally found a workout activity that I like because I can do it by myself (which is key, seeing as how I don't get home from work until 6 PM!), yet I don't feel alone, thanks to all of my wii mii buddies and my wii fit personal trainer. Another plus is that the system has everything set up like contests or games, which is a great motivator for me! And I don't get bored with it too easily, because the more you "play," the more games, exercises, and levels you can unlock! You can track your BMI and weight loss progress right on the game (using the balance board as your scale) and you can do a daily fitness test to see how you're doing towards meeting your goals.

I feel more toned and in shape already, which is really what my goal was anyway. I know I don't need to lose weight, but I do want to tone my butt/thighs and get my heart in shape...especially since the P.A. at the gyno's office was nagging me about exercising when I was there (hatefully staring at all the pregnant ladies) last week...did I also mention that she told me I should probably start thinking about adoption? No matter...she's dead now anyway since I shot daggers out of my eyes when she had the nerve to ask me that...oops, forget I said that...this is supposed to be a HAPPY post...right, right.

Crawling out from under my rock...

I guess a week is a long enough mourning period, that I should now be crawling out from under my rock to say hello to everyone again...even though it doesn't feel like long enough. My tears are dried up for now...I have nothing left inside of me except hurt and emptiness...but I know I need to pick up and keep going because life goes on, even when I don't want it to. So here I am.

This past week has been the worst week of my entire life...not only has God told me that I'm not having a baby anytime in the next 9 months, but basically, I feel like I've been told that I will never bear my own child. I will never see our miniature reflection of Gregg and I running around our yard...and that hurts...it sucks...and it isn't fair. Even if my eggs are still good in there, we don't have enough money to give it another try. We don't have enough money to try donor eggs (which costs twice as much as regular IVF) and we don't have enough money to start even thinking about adoption...I know there are adoption grants out there, but my gut is telling me that I could possibly only have 5 more good child-bearing years left in me. And I won't be able to rest until I've been given the "I'm sorry, your time's up" speech...that will be my only form of closure on this...we won't be too old to adopt in another 5 years, but I may be too old to have my own child, so I just need to focus on getting pregnant right now...and we will worry about other things later...my in-laws approached me the other night about a possible way to fund another IVF for us, so I'm hopeful that I may be able to get at least one more shot at it...now the question is where to go? Do we stay with the current doctor (I don't want to but DH does) or do we go somewhere else with a doctor that specializes in poor responders, such as myself? In the meantime, I am researching possible IVF studies where I could get into an IVF cycle for free. So, that's where we are now...and my follow-up appointment with my current doctor isn't until...get this...JULY 8th. What in the heck? By then, you aren't even going to remember what happened in my cycle...how is the doctor even going to talk about it? And what if I wanted to get in on the next IVF cycle, then what? I would have to wait until August-September...just another reason for me to be friggin' frustrated with this doctor's office.

Work has been...work. My frustration started last week...remember when I told you that my boss said that she would come back to relieve me on the day of my pregnancy test if I got bad news? well...she saw me crying my eyes out to my other co-workers, but as she left for the day, I heard her say to some of the other people, "I'm going home! I've been here since 6:3oAM" and just like that, she left! I was so freaking ticked off...so, she threw me to the wolves on the worst day of my entire life...she made me stay there ALL DAY and suffer...all I wanted to do was be home with Gregg...but instead of doing her job and finding someone else to cover for me in what I considered to be an emergency situation, she just decides that she's done for the day and leaves. So ever since then, I have gotten frustrated with my work situation pretty easily. I LOVE teaching the preschoolers, but I hate the after school responsibilities and the fact that my boss isn't willing to make any changes...so I have to continue to suffer through it until June 11th, which is the end of the school-year program. After that begins the regular summer-camp program. I am freakin' counting down the days...and I'm never doing big-kid daycare again...EVER!

Speaking of work, I have a hilarious story to tell you today. We had beach day at preschool. We were supposed to go outside and play fun water games, etc, but the weather didn't exactly cooperate. It rained all day. So, we gave the kids the choice of watching the Little Mermaid or Jonah and the Whale (VeggieTales) . They laid on their beach towels on the floor, while wearing their swimsuits, sunglasses, etc. Because it's the end of our school year, we are also celebrating summer birthdays...so one of my students brought in ice cream cups for his birthday and another student's mom (who has 5 kids and works part time, mind you), made this cake (complete with blue Jello water and sugar candy rocks) for our Beach Day festivities...obviously she's insane. Anyway, the kids were having a great time when the birthday boy stood up during the movie to throw his garbage away...he's not the most coordinated of kids & ended up stepping right in someone else's half-eaten bowl of ice cream and cake. Before I even had time to think, he bent over, used his spoon to scrape the cake and ice cream off the bottom of his foot & he stuck it in his mouth and ate it!!!!!! I just sat there, mouth hanging open, flabbergasted...He then tried to use his spoon to scrape cake and ice cream off of the floor (that had previously been on his foot) and eat it...but I managed to intervene before that could happen.

Thank you, my sweet internet friends, for all of your prayers, kind words, and support. It was amazing to see old friends and new, lurking readers come out to lend their shoulders in my time of grief and need. Please comment more often...and I promise that once this week is over (my last week of preschool), I will be a better commenter on your blog, as well!!!

I knew it...

I tested this morning - BFN :( :( :(

Tomorrow is the day...

I can finally say it...24 hours from now, I'll know my fate. And as much as I hate to be a pessimist right now, I continue to prepare myself for the worst. It isn't that I have any hard and fast signs that our doom is impending, but after being beaten to the ground and kicked while I'm down for the past 3 years, I just have a hard time being a shining optimist these days. In all honesty, I haven't had any signs or symptoms leaning in either direction, but then again, with all of the progesterone I'm hopped up on right now, I suppose that anything is possible, since it does tend to mask or mimic some of the PG symptoms.

Even though I've never been a POAS-happy kind of person (that's pee on a stick for the non-IF-lingo inclined), Gregg wants me to test in the morning so that we find out the news together. He doesn't want me to get terrible or happy news via a phone call and then have to wait to get a hold of him when he would have a free period at school. I definitely understand where he's coming from, but part of me would rather just let fate run its course. Although I'm sure I will POAS just to humor him...and so that I don't have to worry about not being able to take the call if my preschoolers should happen to be having some typical 3-year-old crisis that I just CAN'T avoid.

I asked my boss today if there would be any way that she could come back tomorrow afternoon and relieve me of my afternoon shift, since I know that work is the LAST place I will want to be if I get bad news tomorrow. I'll want to be at home snuggling with Gregg and crying my eyes out until I fall asleep...

On those lines, let me tell you that G and I have been praying like fiends these past few days...I know it sounds terrible to heap on those extra prayers when times are tough (I mean, shouldn't we be praying our hearts out all the time?), but it's been a source of comfort to me to be able to pour my heart out to God and know that he feels what my heart's feeling...he knows how much I want this baby...how much WE want this baby, but I can't get over the nagging feeling of how angry I will be with God if things just don't work out. I hate feeling that way. I hate being a fair-weather Christian. But I also hate that my life hasn't turned out AT ALL the way that I had thought it would. I know, I know...our plans aren't God's plans. And I guess that's the mystery of it all, but I can't shake the feeling of wondering what my purpose in this life could possibly be, if it isn't to mother children? Please pray...please, please pray.

And to leave you on a happier (but might-make-you-cry-a-little) note, let me tell you what G did for me yesterday. He knows that Mother's Day has been a rough day for me over the past 3 years. This year was especially rough, knowing that we would have a 1-2 month old baby right now if we hadn't lost it to a chemical pregnancy back in August...They always recognize Mother's Day at church...but since one of our pastors struggled with infertility for MANY years herself (and went on to adopt), the church community is very sensitive to those who cannot have children, who have lost children, or who have lost their mothers, as this can be a not-so-happy time. They showed a really funny video (you can watch it here) about all of the things that moms do in a single day (summed up in about 3 minutes) & then at the end of the service, all of the men in the congregation went up to the front to "serenade" us with a Men's Choir rendition of Awesome God & Blessed Assurance. Needless to say, I sobbed through most of the service...just the nature of the day is enough to put me on edge, but knowing that just 2 days later would seal our fate for all Mother's Days to come...well, I was a basket case. So, we came home afterwards...I napped & showered. When I got out of the shower...there on my pillow, I see a tiny purple card with my name on it. I open it up to find a card that says...Mother's Day...it's a time for celebrating women who guide with strength and listen with love - wonderful women like you! And then DH wrote, "I'm not sure if this is it for us, but I hope you realize that you WILL be a Mommy someday! If it is it, then Happy Mother's Day from the little one(s) - and Faithy [our cat] too. I love you!! ~G" That guy sure knows how to make a girl cry...

I'll make a post tomorrow evening too! I promise!

Thanks & a few IVF odds & ends...

I just wanted to take the time to tell you THANK YOU for all of the support & kindness that you, my bloggie friends, have shown over the past week. It has been a whirlwind of events & we feel so blessed to have loving, caring people in our lives (both old friends & new acquaintances) to continually pray and offer words of encouragement! Gregg and I were just talking and commenting on how awesome it is to think about how many people know about our situation and are praying for us...it actually made me kind of teary & emotional...so what I'm trying to say is THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!!

On a related note, this 2ww is KILLING ME! It seems like so long ago since I've been hopeful during the 2ww that I forgot what it was like to over-analyze every twinge, pang, and twang of my body...like today, I've experienced a cramp in my side that's lasted for several hours now (like you would get during a long run...not that I would know what that's like or anything), two dizzy spells, and a wave of nausea. It's probably nothing different than I would ever experience during "normal life" but of course, I go back and forth between taking them as positive signs and negative signs depending on my mood...and in reality, they probably mean NOTHING, considering I'm only 4dpd3t (four days past a day 3 transfer), which basically means 7 days past ovulation...and symptoms aren't really expected yet. So grrrr....we continue to wait for another whole, stinking, crazy-long, seemingly never-ending week! Beta is on Tuesday 5/13.

Finally, let me tell you what a humbling experience bed rest really is. I was definitely looking forward to it, but by mid-day on Saturday, I had about had it! I felt like a slave-driver asking my mom and dad to do everything for me (G, of course, was out on a golf outing - how convenient for him! haha). Of course, they didn't mind doing and doing and doing for me at all...in fact, my mom was going around the house weighing all of my heavier items (laptop, school bag, etc) to make sure that they didn't exceed my 10-lb weight limit for lifting...so Gregg has been joking now, picking up paper clips and specks of dust, asking if they weigh too much for me to carry...haha what a FUNNY guy! But, as I knew I would, I am wishing for those two days back (well, not the no-shower part of the two days) because now I am back to work and wishing that I didn't have to be...

Thanks again for your continued prayers! We are so blessed!

Transfer

Yesterday was my embryo transfer, so I thought I would update you on my status. Gregg went half-way to my parents' house on Thursday night to meet up with my mom and dad. Mom rode with Gregg back to our house while Dad went back home because he had to work yesterday. Gregg left early on Friday morning for his field trip & his mom came later to pick Mom and I up to go to the hospital in Muhlenburg for the transfer. They came out and got me around 9:10 and got Mom & I all prepped. The doctor came in after a bit and said that the embryos were looking good, especially for us only having 2 to work with. They showed us the two little embies on the TV screen before sending them over to the transfer room. The transfer was pretty uneventful (which is a good thing) and then I had to lie there for an hour, so Mom & I watched Rachael Ray and the beginning of the Price is Right. Finally, when my butt was really starting to hurt from lying on that uncomfortable table, the nurse came back in and told me that I could get changed and ready to go. Before I left, the embryologist came in and told me that she really couldn't have asked for two better embryos considering that there were only two in the first place. She said that the 8-cell looked perfect and that the 4-cell was just a little bit slower of a grower but it had no fragmentation so she was very happy with the way that they looked! Before I left, the nurse gave me our petri dish & the case from the ICSI needle, complete with a nice message from the IVF staff wishing us good luck!

Gregg's mom brought pillows and blankets for me in the back of the car, so I laid down in the back seat until we got home again. Since then, I have been pretty much doing nothing. I have laid around on the couch, watching TV, doing Sudoku puzzles, drinking lots of liquids & playing card games with my mom since 12 yesterday afternoon...only getting up to go to the bathroom! Tomorrow, I will be done with my bed rest & I can't wait to finally get up and move around...although having to have someone wait on you hand and foot isn't all that bad either!

Please keep praying!