Tuesday, December 22, 2009

bad, bad blogger

Every time I think I'm going to do better with blogging, something else comes up. Combining work with cheerleading has been rough! I did want to type a quick post about the holidays though. I absolutely love Christmas! I love everything about it...I love the music, I love decorating, I love buying presents, I love the foods & smells, I love wrapping presents, the whole nine yards. Yet every year, I feel emptier and emptier...and I don't know how much longer I can do Christmases like this.

This is our 9th Christmas together as a couple, 6th as a married couple & 5th since we've started TTC. And every year hurts more than the previous. I bawl through Christmas eve service at church every single year....because let's face it, Christmas IS all about a baby. And knowing that I should've been big & fat & 5 months pg right now makes this Christmas especially painful.

And then there's my extended family...

I was talking online w/ my mom just now about how frustrated I am with my side of the family at Christmas. Every year for the past 7 years or so, I attempt to arrange some type of gift exchange and it's always met with a wishy-washy blah response. No one ever wants to commit to anything, despite me giving a bunch of different suggestions. (Elfster Pollyanna, Gift Card exchange, White Elephant, etc) At first I thought maybe it's just me and I'm overly sensitive because I love Christmas SO much and maybe some people aren't AS enthused as me. Ok. Fine. But after giving all these suggestions my aunt (whom I DO love) has found something wrong with every single one of them and keeps pushing the game that she wants to do, which I hate (bring a wrapped gift for yourself, everyone unwraps a gift & tries to decide who it belongs to...isn't the point of Christmas in GIVING?) Games like that, to me, make it just like any other game/any other holiday...we might as well sit around and play scrabble, you know? I want to buy something for someone else, not myself!

Then I started talking to DH about it and I ended up breaking down, crying because my family Christmas is supposed to be my "safe" place. There are no young kids (the youngest of the grandkids is 19 - I'm the one expected to have the babies at this point)...I guess maybe that's why there's no Christmas spirit. DH's family party is fun, but very, very hard for me. G has 8 brothers & sisters who combined have 10 children...4 of whom have been born in the time that we've been TTC, and another is on the way. We were supposed to have baby #7 & they're already on #11. DH gets it...he just held me as I cried and said he understood when I explained what I meant by my "safe Christmas" with my family...and he agreed that my extended family party is lame, except when we're hanging out with my 19 yr old cousin who is so much fun!

I guess what I'm asking is for my family to prove to me that Christmas can be a special time whether you are a child or not...or whether you HAVE a child or not. Thank God for my mom - she basically sent out an ultimatum email asking everyone to put in their two cents since time is running out...she apologized that their house won't be decorated, but I assured her that decorations do not make Christmas...joy, hope and giving do!

I hope you all have a very merry Christmas and a blessed 2010! May you find joy through your struggles & hope in the promise of the Lord!


Ter said...

hi there,

i hear you. my family is very bleh about christmas, and so it hurts even more that my husband (who LOVES christmas) and my daughter (who would've loved it too) are not here. And so, I will be spending the day at home alone, with no tree or anything. I just can't bear to go spend it with my family who (a) will never come here even though we invited them many many times) and (b) who will be BLeh about it, most of them no tress or anything and they don't have a reason. I feel DISGUSTED that I am now my mother with no tree, no care for a holiday that should mean so much. My family was always saying well we can't afford it so ... but it really isn't about gifts, i mean, I'd be happy with a homemade gift if it meant having a happy holiday ,b ut i can not recall a single holiday with my family that was perfectly happy. I always looked forward to having my own children (and husband) so I could finally celebrate christams teh way it was meant to be. (in my opinion)

I also wish you had a big fat babybump for the holidays. I'm sorry you don't. :(

Kara said...

Love ya, Teri. :)

Anonymous said...

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Stockpiling Mom said...

I can relate to you in your post as I recall so vividly wanting a child so desperately at every holiday but Christmas the worse...I remember saying in 2005 at Halloween that if I didn't have a baby by the next year that I honestly didn't know what I would do. I cried that entire night as we were trick or treating with my nephew and I was living vicariously through him....oh Teri, I do want you to know that I did have a baby in my arms by Halloween 2006....and I have never looked back. All of those years of tears and despair gone and forgotten...I am so praying for you to have a baby in your arms...in whatever path that it should arrive...Prayer and peace for you in your journey...