Every time I think I'm going to do better with blogging, something else comes up. Combining work with cheerleading has been rough! I did want to type a quick post about the holidays though. I absolutely love Christmas! I love everything about it...I love the music, I love decorating, I love buying presents, I love the foods & smells, I love wrapping presents, the whole nine yards. Yet every year, I feel emptier and emptier...and I don't know how much longer I can do Christmases like this.
This is our 9th Christmas together as a couple, 6th as a married couple & 5th since we've started TTC. And every year hurts more than the previous. I bawl through Christmas eve service at church every single year....because let's face it, Christmas IS all about a baby. And knowing that I should've been big & fat & 5 months pg right now makes this Christmas especially painful.
And then there's my extended family...
I was talking online w/ my mom just now about how frustrated I am with my side of the family at Christmas. Every year for the past 7 years or so, I attempt to arrange some type of gift exchange and it's always met with a wishy-washy blah response. No one ever wants to commit to anything, despite me giving a bunch of different suggestions. (Elfster Pollyanna, Gift Card exchange, White Elephant, etc) At first I thought maybe it's just me and I'm overly sensitive because I love Christmas SO much and maybe some people aren't AS enthused as me. Ok. Fine. But after giving all these suggestions my aunt (whom I DO love) has found something wrong with every single one of them and keeps pushing the game that she wants to do, which I hate (bring a wrapped gift for yourself, everyone unwraps a gift & tries to decide who it belongs to...isn't the point of Christmas in GIVING?) Games like that, to me, make it just like any other game/any other holiday...we might as well sit around and play scrabble, you know? I want to buy something for someone else, not myself!
Then I started talking to DH about it and I ended up breaking down, crying because my family Christmas is supposed to be my "safe" place. There are no young kids (the youngest of the grandkids is 19 - I'm the one expected to have the babies at this point)...I guess maybe that's why there's no Christmas spirit. DH's family party is fun, but very, very hard for me. G has 8 brothers & sisters who combined have 10 children...4 of whom have been born in the time that we've been TTC, and another is on the way. We were supposed to have baby #7 & they're already on #11. DH gets it...he just held me as I cried and said he understood when I explained what I meant by my "safe Christmas" with my family...and he agreed that my extended family party is lame, except when we're hanging out with my 19 yr old cousin who is so much fun!
I guess what I'm asking is for my family to prove to me that Christmas can be a special time whether you are a child or not...or whether you HAVE a child or not. Thank God for my mom - she basically sent out an ultimatum email asking everyone to put in their two cents since time is running out...she apologized that their house won't be decorated, but I assured her that decorations do not make Christmas...joy, hope and giving do!
I hope you all have a very merry Christmas and a blessed 2010! May you find joy through your struggles & hope in the promise of the Lord!