Wishing I had more time

Now is always the time of the year where I start wishing (and continue wishing for the next two months) that there were more hours in a day. I just can't squeeze in everything that I want to do! Be it at home, at school, WHEREVER, I just can never seem to get caught up! I sat down at school today and tried to map out my plans through December to at least figure out what letters I will be covering and when our holiday programs will fit in, etc. It reminded me how quickly these next two months will go at school, so I definitely can't waste any time!!! So much to do! So little time!

For those of you who are still hanging in there with me after my extended hiatus, I guess I should update you on my follow-up with the RE. According to him (and I'm not taking this as gospel at this point), my miscarriage was caused, again, by poor egg quality. So I can't even win with a donor :( I've been nervous about calling B to let her know because I know she'll feel bad about the situation (even though it's absolutely not her fault). So I've kind of been putting it off for a few weeks now.

Thanks for all your words of concern from our accident. Things are slowly starting to come together & my car should be fixed by the end of the month, at the latest. Thank God for insurance, since we don't happen to have $4000 just lying around! No word yet on whether or not the drunk driver had insurance, though :(

Wow, craziness

As you know, I haven't written in a while because I've been incredibly busy with work and coaching cheerleading....and also because I've been horribly mad at God.

Well, this weekend was a wake-up call. We were in Philly for our niece's 5th birthday party & we left her house a little before 9. We were sitting at a red light. We heard a huge crack like a bomb went off & I looked up at G & I screamed because I saw the car beside us hit into G's side of the car. We immediately heard ppl saying to call 911 (I hadn't yet realized the extent of what had happened), so G & I stayed in the car to call 911 & then got out. We saw about 7 cars involved. A truck had flipped and a guy was partially pinned under it. And there was a small red car that had been very badly mangled. We didn't know what to do (G can't stand the sight of blood and I was too shaken up to do anything but stand there and shake). They got the guy out from under the truck and realized that he was majorly drunk, hadn't been wearing his seatbelt & there was a big hole in his windshield where his head had hit it. Apparently, he clipped a car that was in our lane, but back a ways. Instead of putting on his brakes, he gunned it and plowed right into the red car (the mangled one), and then hit into the other red car, which ran into us. When they asked him if he had been drinking, he stumbled around and said "just a little."

But this story just keeps getting better. People noticed a carseat in the back of the drunk man's truck, so they immediately began asking him if he had a baby with him. He said he had an 11 month old, but it was no where to be found. Finally, they got it out of him that he didn't have the baby with him. He had left him/her at home.....ALONE. In this case, I think bad parenting saved that child's life because the car seat wasn't installed properly and was hanging out of the window. That baby would have been dead.

We ended up staying at the scene until after 11PM. They had to tow my car, but they couldn't call the tow service in right away because they had CSI ppl there taking a million pictures and using spray paint to mark exactly where everything was in case the passenger in the car dies & the drunken idiot gets pressed with vehicular manslaughter (as he should).

Luckily, G's parents had left the party just before us & were headed down to the shore, so we called them right away & they came to wait with us & then took us to the shore with them for the night. We drove back (in their car) today and will borrow it until we figure out what is going on.

Here is the news story associated w/ our accident:
http://www.phillyburbs.com/news/local/courier_times/courier_times_news_details/article/28/2009/october/11/multi-vehicle-crash-on-route-1-baby-found-home-alone.html

Thanks for your prayers...this was definitely a wake-up call to us...we KNOW someone is watching out for us

the drunkard's truck (look closely out the window & you can see the car seat)

this is the drunkard's truck again to see how close it was to our car

this is the the damage that the truck did to the car that hit us

and this is the car that got the worst of it - we're not sure if the passenger survived...

A product review: Burt's Bees Skin Care

I realize that this isn't the kind of update that most of you have been waiting for from me (sorry I've still been gone, there honestly hasn't been much to say and I'm still fending off the blues at times). I promise that next week, after my follow-up with the doctor (Thursday), I will post an update and let you all know what's going on.

Instead, I'm going to post about my newest product trial, Burt's Bees Skin Care line. We all know & love their lip balms, so I was really excited to be able to give the skin care products a try.

I have very sensitive, acne prone skin, which is a terrible combination. Most products used to treat acne are too harsh on sensitive skin & vice versa with sensitive skin products. I was really excited to read that these products were all natural. In my test kit, I received the face wash (liquid) and blemish spot treatment. Both have a licorice-y smell (especially the spot treatment product), which is a bit overpowering at first, but goes away after it's been on a while. You probably wouldn't want to put the spot treatment on in the morning anyway, but it's perfectly fine for bed time.

I can happily say that both products have really changed the quality of my skin over the past month! The redness has subsided & any blemishes seem to go away more quickly than usual. The only draw-back for me is the price ($9 and up per product), but I honestly only use a little bit at a time. After one month's usage, I've barely used 1/4 bottle from each product, so even that's not bad. I'm hoping to find some coupons so that I can continue using this product.

If you would like to review products & make a Bzzz about them, check out Bzzagent.com or comment with your email address (don't worry, I won't publish it) and I'll send you a referral email! :) If you would like to try the spot treatment, let me know and I can mail an sample vial out to you (only have a couple left!)

I'm back

Well - I'm creeping back out into the real world. Thank you all for your kind comments and emails through this tough time. I guess you could say I'm still in recovery mode. Most of the time I'm "fine" (in a relative sense of the word) but then I hear a song on the radio (Miley Cyrus's the Climb is the WORST) and I completely lose it...baby steps, baby steps (even saying that makes me cringe...maybe I should say itty-bitty steps, itty-bitty steps).

In other news, I have an appointment set up for a phone consultation with the RE on October 1st. I am very much looking forward to this. I already have a plan of action in my head, so I'm really hoping that the doctor agrees with my line of thinking..

And because I really don't have anything else to post about (other than the impending doom that is the first day of school tomorrow), I'll do a MPM for the week...

Monday - Labor Day - burgers on the grill & homemade baked potato chips (modified this recipe)
Tuesday - Haluski (with cabbage) w/ my bloggy buddy Candi's spaetzle
Wednesday - Wing night for G, so leftovers for me
Thursday - Chicken Pot Pie using leftover chicken from the chicken noodle soup I made over the weekend
Friday - Something on the run before G's football game

Chicken Pot Pie recipe (from my friend Ruthie):
Sautee chopped onions, carrots & celery in olive oil. Sprinkle 2-3 Tbsp. flour over veggies and add 1 can of chicken broth (add peas, corn, etc if desired). Bring to a boil until it thickens. Add 2 cups of cooked cubed potatoes and bite-sized pieces of cooked chicken. Pour into pie crust & put the second crust on top (poke holes w/ a fork). Bake @ 350 until crust is golden brown and the inside bubbles up!

Where do we go from here?

I officially started miscarrying last night. How do you pick up and move on when the one true shot you ever thought you had at being a mother is literally going down the toilet?

How do I keep going through the motions this week knowing full well that if I peed on a pregnancy test, "Pregnant" would still pop up before my eyes in a matter of seconds?

How do you get on with the rest of your life?

How do you have hope for the future?

How can you go on believing that there really is a God and that your life has any significance to Him when life's events blatantly point out that He could care less?

How could a God who supposedly loves us so much sit by and watch our hearts being broken and simply call it part of "His plan"?

How will I ever believe again that there is power in prayer when we literally had hundreds of people praying for us each and every step of the way, and for what? Breathing the ceremonial sigh of relief only to have the rug swiftly pulled out from under us.

How can I have faith that our last chance at ever becoming biological parents (at least for one of us) will actually work?

How long will it take for me to get through a day without crying and thinking about what could have been, what should have been?

Why do I get no comfort in knowing that I now have TWO angel-babies in heaven instead of here with me?

It's all over...

It's all over...u/s today confirmed the "mass" was the same size or smaller than what they saw three days ago. And our other m/c was exactly two years ago yesterday. I just have no words anymore.

so scared

Things aren't looking so good and I'm unbelievably scared and can't stop crying. I went for ultrasound & bloodwork today. The results of the ultrasound were inconclusive (which I later found out should have been expected due to being so early), as the RE basically saw nothing except something which "may or may not be a gestational sac." So now, we have to wait again until Friday to see what happens. As if I haven't already been tortured enough, my hcg levels still went up according to the bloodwork today, but they didn't double nearly as well as they should have based on last week's doubling rate. A week ago, my level was 241 (quadrupled from original beta) and now it has just barely doubled in an entire week (560). That's just.not.good.

Please pray...
Matthew 6:25-34

Torturing myself

This week has, in my opinion, been far more torturous than all the previous weeks in this IVF cycle combined. The week after the retrieval was kind of aggravating, but I knew the wait was worth it so that we could transfer the embryos that were the "best of the best." The week after transfer was annoying as I analyzed every little twist and turn I made with my body, wondering "Did I just lift something too heavy or make a turn that could harm a possible baby, or (fill in the blank)?"

This week, however is just plain torturous. Knowing that I'm pregnant, but not experiencing any symptoms has been absolutely driving me insane. Every time I feel the slightest bit of wetness in my underwear, I'm rushing to the bathroom to make sure it's not blood. Every time my bbs stop hurting for part of the day, I convince myself that I'm no longer pregnant (like I'm doing right now). To be perfectly honest, I had been feeling more symptoms (maybe they were all psychosomatic?) early on than I do now. I swore I was having indigestion, bloatiness, crampiness, sore bbs & mild nausea, but honestly I'm feeling fine. No fatigue. No morning sickness. No ANYTHING...

What will I do tomorrow if we get to the u/s and there's NOTHING there? THIS is what infertility has done to me...

Here's the verdict...

After reading the input from all of you, I thought long and hard about what to do about my blog. I really appreciated that 2 fellow infertiles, Kara & Amy, who have gone on to find success after infertility, encouraged me to document every single moment of this pregnancy because it will seem to fly by so quickly. I know that I will want to have some way of remembering every tiny twinge, twang, flutter and kick that I feel, so I've decided to start a second blog, The Making of the Scholl Family. I will use that blog as my true pregnancy journal & I'll continue to pick and choose some of the entries to cut & paste into this blog, for those of you who aren't ready for the uncensored pregnancy talk. I hope that's a solution that works for everyone. You're all so valuable to me and I thank God everyday for the amazing friendships I've made in bloggyland!

I've added the link over in my sidebar, under my profile info.

Your Thoughts?

As I'm sure you realize, we are far from being out-of-the woods, as far as this baby (or these babies) are concerned. I'm feeling great & so far, have no symptoms (I think I should be considered 4w5d today) & our 1st u/s is scheduled for Tuesday to see what we can see in there. We're VERY excited, but VERY cautiously optimistic at the same time.

But, regardless of what happens, I need some input from my readers concerning the direction you would like to see this blog take now, particularly those of you who are still in the trenches of infertility. Of course the name of the blog will not change, as I will always remain infertile; however I also remember what it feels like to be one of the ones who is "left behind." I remember how much it hurt and how I felt so certain that my dream to be a mommy would never be realized and I would forever be left behind. I couldn't live with myself knowing that this blog has made someone (especially another infertile) hurt and feel the same way.

At the same time, however, I know that when I was hurting, I did take comfort in knowing that even though these women had struggled and hurt just like I did, they somehow found joy again and eventually saw their dreams come to fruition. Whether it be through adoption like my bloggy buddy Melissa, or adoption & then a surprise pregnancy like my buddy Missy, and the countless other blogs (miracle stories) I follow in my sidebar and in my profile, I have learned that there are many roads that could lead you to the end of your journey.

So here is where I need your help. Where would you like this blog to go? Obviously, I'm not going to be spouting off about my woes of pg symptoms (because I remember how many times I saw other girls complaining and I thought about how I'd give my right arm for their morning sickness and round-ligament pain), but I also know the reality that it would be very hard not to talk about a pregnancy at all...and I don't want to lose any of you as readers, so I would greatly appreciate an email or comments about the new path that this blog will take.

Thank you for your continued prayers!

Wordless Wednesday

(If you're my friend on FB, don't mention anything there, please! We're waiting to tell the rest of my family (more than just parents) for a couple of weeks.)

Negativity is creeping in

I think there comes a point when no matter how much hope you have, negativity and doubt will always find a way to creep on in. That's where we sit now. 3dp6dt (IVF lingo for 3 days past our day 6 transfer) and feeling nothing...not that I necessarily should be...but I can't help but be anxious, nervous and scared for what lies ahead. Please be relentless in your prayers...

Transfer day

Today was our transfer day & everything went smoothly (minus my over-full bladder that I had to go partially empty - yeah, that was fun!). We transferred two beautiful embies & we've got 2 put away to freeze. We were kind of disappointed that there were only two embies left to freeze, but we keep telling ourselves that waiting until day 6 has weeded out any that wouldn't have survived the freeze/thaw process anyway, so we're saving "the creme of the crop!"

We've decided that we're not sharing the date of the beta with anyone at this time. With infertility, after sharing your hoo-ha with everyone and their brother, there is so little that is sacred, secret or special. Just rest assured that we will keep you all posted when we're ready to share the news (good or bad)!

Without further ado, here are the stars of the show...embies #16 & 19

Transfer time!

The moment we've all been waiting for! We got the call this morning to tell us that transfer day will be TOMORROW (Sunday), making it a day-6 transfer! I'll be honest and say that I was really hoping it would be today (so my babies could be with ME instead of in a petri-dish in a lab), but I trust that the embryologists make these decisions to the fullest of their ability, so I won't second guess that tomorrow is the right choice for us.

I'll try and check back in tomorrow from my self-imposed state of bed-riddenness (for a day). I'm sure I'll have my laptop by the bedside if anyone wants to drop me a note or words of encouragement (*wink, wink, nudge, nudge*)! I truly have the best bloggy buddies!

No news...

For once, I can actually say that this time around, no news is good news! Yesterday morning, we got the call that we had been pushed out to have a day 5 (or possibly day 6) transfer! Basically, that meant that on day 3, our embies were still dividing (some taper off by this point, or at times, there aren't enough viable ones to warrant waiting an extra two days to transfer the best ones). Being pushed out to day 5 allows the embryologists to determine which ones are really the "rock star embryos" (aka better quality), which would have a greater chance of becoming a viable pregnancy. Sooooo, in other words, we wait...they'll call me tomorrow morning sometime to let us know if we need to come in tomorrow afternoon or if we wait until Sunday.

It's been kind of annoying to wait since MONDAY, but I know that this is the good kind of waiting, so I'm trying to be patient. I went to work in my classroom a couple of times to keep myself occupied. I set up all my bulletin boards (maybe I'll post some pics soon) since it wouldn't be such a great idea to stand up on chairs and tables in the next two weeks. I've also been catching up on some housework. I vacuumed & mopped & cleaned all of the bedding...AND I got 5 lesson plans done for my grad class (moms of preschoolers/kindergartners, or teachers, leave me a comment if you want me to send you the lessons for fun game ideas!)! See? I can be productive when I want to!

I also made Candi's spaetzle to go with dinner (leftovers) tonight & it was awesome! I could have eaten the whole bowl & between the two of us, we almost did! Check it out! Yum!

Keep those prayers rolling in! I'll keep you posted!

Fertilization report is IN!

Sorry to keep you all waiting...

You're never going to believe this...

Of the 36 eggs retrieved, 30 were mature!!! Of the 30 mature eggs, they did ICSI on all of them and......


ALL 30 fertilized! We now have 30 embryos waiting for us in a petri dish!!

I cried, Becki cried, DH almost cried...it's a great day! I go for b/w & u/s tomorrow, but I won't get official word on when transfer will be until Thursday morning. My guess is that we're looking at a day 5-6 (Saturday/Sunday) transfer!

KEEP THOSE PRAYERS COMING! THEY WORK WONDERS!

B is absolutely amazing!

I don't have a ton of time to update...I have to run out the door in about 5 minutes to go get my first PIO shot from my nurse co-worker, but I wanted to keep all my bloggy-buddies in the know...

Today was an awesome day! G & I left the shore house around 7:30 this morning & made it to the RE's office around 10. B had been there since 8:15AM, but she had already been taken back to be prepped for the retrieval by the time we got there, so we communicated via text until she got taken back. Around 11, G was called back to give his sample & then about 30 minutes later, I got a text from B that brought tears to my eyes...it simply said "They got 36 eggs!!!!" It's enough to make this 3-egg-producing girl shout for joy! Seriously - that girl is the most fertile infertile I've ever seen! She came out just minutes later & we saw she & her hubby off (she was in pain and just wanted to lie down in the car and relax).

The fert report should be in tomorrow & then we're looking at a transfer on either Thursday or Saturday...with a slight possibility of Sunday. Please keep praying! God is in control and God is GOOD!

Monday is THE DAY!

We just got a call from the nurse that Monday is THE DAY (THE DAY, being egg retrieval day!). We couldn't be more excited! B texted me this morning saying that at her ultrasound today, they found 20 on the left and 12 on the right, with about 12 at 15mm or greater (mature). She will take her trigger shot tonight & retrieval will take place at 10:30 Monday morning!!!!!! Please pray & tell everyone you know to pray! More updates to follow!

Happy Anniversary!

Five years ago today, I married my best friend. Happy Anniversary, G!

Rock-star ovaries & some pics!

Not only is B an angel, but apparently she's got rock-star ovaries, as well! At her first follicle check today, they found 17 follies moving & grooving in there! We are ecstatic to say the least! I go back tomorrow for more u/s & b/w. I emailed the nurse about having my TSH checked since I've been on thyroid meds since December or so & I wanted to make sure that my levels are ok at the time of transfer (since TSH abnormalities are linked with early miscarriage). She noted that my levels haven't been checked since February & that she would add it to my bloodwork order tomorrow. She did say that they would monitor it very closely after a positive pregnancy test, but I don't want to wait that long to make sure that everything is ok...there is just way too much riding on this & I know I would hate myself if I didn't try and make sure everything was as perfect as it can be, come time for transfer!

And since I obviously forgot to do this last week, here are some pics from last weekend's wedding!! We had a great time dancing the night away!

First, Jenna & I getting the centerpieces ready, moments before the ceremony started!

Michelle & Jenna (my cousins) with their significant others, with G & I

Gregg hanging out with his two favorite girls after the ceremony!
Jenna & me hanging out waiting for more post-ceremony pics (would you ever know we're 11 years apart in age??)
The Happy Couple!!

Dancing the night away!

PS - this is my 200th post!! AMAZING! Thanks to those who've stuck with me through thick and thin!