The Big (LONG) Update (finally!)

It's time to come clean about the big BFP. Though not spontaneous by any means, it is as big of a shock to us as it is to you. Read on...you might want some snacks...it's a long one (some is for self-documentation purposes, so feel free to skim!) Pictures from every ultrasound (and the embryos) can be found at our baby blog: www.schollbaby.blogspot.com

As I mildly hinted back in February, we decided that we were going to do our FET (2 frozen embryos from our donor egg cycle in July 2009) in March. We decided (after little debate) that we weren't going to let ANYONE in on it, including our parents...after all that we had been through, it was just easier not to have the questions, "when is your shot? how are you feeling? when is your beta? when is this? when is that?," etc, etc, etc...even though of course we know those questions always come out of love and concern. A couple people at each of our workplaces knew, but otherwise, no one! My online infertility girls didn't even find out about it until the evening of the transfer.

On March 18th, I went in to work with G. We were supposed to get the call about an hour and a half before we needed to be at the doctor's office, so there was no way for me to go in to work & still have enough time to meet up with him & leave on such short notice, even though we knew that the call probably wouldn't be made until after 10. Around lunch time, we got the call & they asked if we could be there by 2:00, which was no problem. We ate our lunches, G secured his coverage & then we picked up and left, getting there with plenty of time to spare. They took us back almost immediately and got us set up in our "room" (basically one large room with curtains between each). There were about 4 other couples there. We had elected to receive laser acupuncture both before and after the transfer. It was only an extra $200 and we figured this was our last chance...we would do everything possible to increase our chances of success. It was completely painless and took about 5 minutes. Around 3:00, the RE (Dr. Kim) came in and told us that both of our embryos thawed beautifully (which was honestly the biggest obstacle to pass of the day!). He said that they picked up right where they had left off as far as growing was concerned. By 3:30, we were in and out of the transfer room & I was receiving my 2nd dose of laser acupuncture. After my mandatory 20 minutes rest, G & I made the long (traffic!!!!) trek home with a stop at Wendy's for dinner (because, after all, baby likes HEALTHY food!). By the time we made it home, I barely had any rest time before actual bed time, but G made sure I didn't do too much. I returned to work the next day...my 4-year-olds are easy enough, so I wasn't worried about over-doing it.

We had already made plans to travel up to my parents' house for a family spaghetti dinner that weekend. This meant that, for the first time, I would have to do my PIO shot by myself (G is terrified of needles & passes out - but it's ok - I still love him LOTS!). I was terrified, but my co-worker (former nurse who had been doing my shots for me) guided me through it & watched me do it by myself the next day. She marked out a few spots for me with a Sharpie & I prayed for confidence! The next day, though still extremely nervous, I did it! Complete with finding a good spot (my sharpie marks had washed away!) and drawing back to check for blood! Over time, while doing my own, G became my band-aid man & would stand on the sidelines (not watching) until I was ready for him! Though still not my favorite thing to do (and I'm glad I am officially off of the PIOs), I can do an IM shot like a pro!

So, back to the story...on March 26th, the night before my beta, I went to a social event with my co-workers. While there, I started to feel crampy & went to the bathroom to discover some brownish pink spotting. I was completely miserable the rest of the night (despite the fact that I won 2 prizes while there) & texted G for the duration of the party about how I wanted to come home (I had carpooled with someone else, so I couldn't leave). The next day was beta day and I felt that my fate had already been revealed the night before, but I took a HPT that morning anyway. I couldn't sleep, so I was up way before G. I peed on the stick, waited the obligatory 3 minutes, saw no line & went back to bed. I was so numb. Even though I felt like I had gotten my answer the night before, the blank spot where the line was supposed to be, staring me straight in the face, was like a punch in the gut. Looking back in regular lighting, later in the day (much past the 10 minute window), we could see what MAY or MAY NOT have been a line, but at 9dp5dt, we were looking for a nice, dark line. We kept telling ourselves we were ready to adopt and ready to move on and "just be parents in whatever way we could" but the reality was that those 2 little embies still gave us hope...and try as we might to not get those hopes up, that was virtually impossible.

By the grace of God, I held it together all morning for the blood draw. Several hours later, we got the call that I WAS PREGNANT with a super beta of 163! The nurse on the phone probably thought I was a real witch or something because she told me and I didn't even react - I still could not believe that 2 negatives (spotting and the BFN on the HPT) could equal a positive. I just said "ok" after every statement she said. After I hung up, we were both in shock, but not excited like we should have been. We had been to that place before & we knew better than to get our hopes up prematurely. But we hoped, and we prayed, and we prayed some more.

2 days later (16dpo), I went back for repeat bloodwork & discovered that not only had my number doubled, it had almost tripled to 412! I was beginning to get more excited at this point. However, when I inquired about my progesterone level, which they said looked "good," I discovered that it was low by most RE's standards at 13. So I did what any desperate girl would do. I first called and got my PIO dosage increased (they would only let me do an extra 1/2 mL). I also pleaded for a prescription for progesterone suppositories, but to no avail. So again, I did what any desperate girl would do...please don't tell...I self-medicated. You see, I had some expired progesterone suppositories in my refrigerator & with the help of my enablers (aka my online infertility girls), I started taking them daily for nothing more than some peace of mind. I also begged for a 2nd repeat beta for some additional peace of mind (especially since we were traveling to my parents' house for Easter). Again, I got the call with good news! My beta needed to be at least 1648 to meet the standard 48 doubling time (now at 20dpo) & it came back with a SUPER STAR number of 2379 & my p4 went up to a comfortable (for me) number of 20. Not sure if it was the extra p4 supplementation, but I'll take it. Many of my online girls were thinking twins at that point because my betas were so high...

The day after Easter, April 5th, we went back to the RE for our first ultrasound. We were both terrified, as this was the point in our previous pregnancy where we had the ultrasound and they saw nothing, betas began to decline & we lost the baby. BUT NOT THIS TIME!!! This time we saw ONE beautiful gestational sac with a yolk sac inside! Just what we wanted to see. The PA said it was too early to measure for a due date, but that everything looked just like it was supposed to look (5w2d). My bloodwork also came back stellar with my p4 holding steady at 20 & my beta shooting up to 8067!! In the week between my ultrasounds, I would live on an ultrasound- (and beta-) high for about two days, before reality (and Satan with his doubt) would begin to creep back in. I had no symptoms at that point beyond bigger BBs (although I wasn't complaining about that one)...and I knew that was just from the progesterone.

On Monday, April 12th, we saw and heard one of the most beautiful things in the world...our baby's heartbeat! We were in shock and awe mode. I had myself completely convinced that we would get there and see that the gestational sac and yolk sac had disappeared...G thought I was just being ridiculous & I told him I was glad that he could say "I told you so!" We also saw another mass at the ultrasound which we've determined was likely a 2nd sac that just never developed (considering how high my betas were, this would make perfect sense, since I was right in the average range for twins). Progesterone was holding steady at 20 & hcg rose steadily to 30,896. My TSH came back still slightly elevated (at 3.6) so they increased my dosage a 2nd time & continued to monitor it. The baby measured right around 6 weeks at that time, which was perfect & a HB of 120bpm.

At the 7 week scan (April 19th), they discovered that the 2nd sac had continued to grow. They still saw it as no cause for concern, which was encouraging. We heard the heartbeat again (136bpm) and the baby measured right on target (7w2d). Finally on April 26th, we went for our 8 week ultrasound & for the first time, our baby looked like a baby (or a gummy bear)! The baby measured 2 days ahead (8w4d) & HB was 164bpm! The RE's office "released" me with a really cute ultrasound pic baby card & a stack of pregnancy magazines, though they can't officially release me while I'm still on progesterone (though they actually did since I REFUSED to go cold-turkey so early-on). My TSH went back down to normal levels at 1.86 and they finally gave us a due-date of December 3rd, 2010! And still, our families had NO CLUE.

We traveled up to my parents' house on the evening of my birthday, April 30th. They were throwing a 30th bday picnic (family) for me the following day. My mom & dad were busy getting things ready for the picnic that they were having for my bday. They were both finally in the house at the same time and I told my mom that I wanted her to open her Mother's Day gift (a week early) before she was up to her elbows in something else...my dad almost left but I told him he had to stay. Mom opened the card and started crying (nothing in the card but a sappy little verse) and then she opened the frame and SCREAMED, CRIED & she and my dad made a Teri-Sandwich out of me. My dad cried and my mom sobbed, "This is the BEST MOTHER'S DAY PRESENT EVER"...it was awesome. When she got to the party, we told my little cousin Jenna (19) because she's our bud - she and Gregg always "pretend" they are Ron & Hermione from Harry Potter when we go camping (mainly just finding sticks & pretending they are stupifying each other, or quoting the movie, etc). Gregg asked Jenna if she wanted to be Aunt Jenna or Aunt Hermione - and her eyes got wide and she looked at me & I smiled and she got SO excited & screamed - she had to compose herself before we went back to the rest of the family. My mom showed the frame to the rest of the family after we had eaten & they happily passed it around & congratulated us on the wonderful (and long over-due!) news!

On Tuesday, May 11th, we had a great OB appointment with the heartbeat at 170bpm. The little sucker was in there moving all over the place - it even looked like it was waving at us!!!! The following weekend, we went to the shore with G's family for Mother's Day. Before we went out to breakfast, G gave his mom her Mother's Day gift. His mom was a little confused at first (or we were just confused at what she was asking us)! G's dad is a radiologist, so he looked at the date at the top & saw my name & knew right away what was going on & hugged me immediately. His mom started sobbing and couldn't figure out how we'd been keeping it a secret for so long! We told G's 2 younger sisters and they FLIPPED, then he called his oldest sister and her kids told her that she said Oh My God 21 times! LOL! We emailed the rest of G's brothers and sisters to tell them & we heard back from every single one of them within 12 hours!

We had our NT scan at the Maternal Fetal Medicine unit on the 28th (which was so cool!!). The ultrasound tech got all the measurements (which the doctor said looked normal, putting us at low risk for Downs or Trisomy 18) and then we officially "came out" on Facebook that afternoon! That.Was.Awesome!

And that brings us (finally!) to where we are now, 14 weeks. It's been an insanely long and nerve-racking journey, but we're just thrilled to finally have a chance to experience all of it. The good, the bad & the ugly. I go back to the OB on Tuesday (I'm anxious to hear the HB) and we don't have another ultrasound until the 19th of July (the "big" one)! Please keep us in your prayers!

Angels Among Us

Of course after my recent rantings and ravings about how hard Christmases have become, I have to admit that this was honestly the best Christmas that we've had in the nearly 4 years since we've received our IF diagnosis. Not only did I not bawl through the entire Christmas Eve service, but I barely shed a tear (only through the silent prayer time). I was pretty proud of myself...

Santa was also very good to us this year - in more ways than one! We got some nice new clothes, a Swivel Sweeper, some Le Creuset enameled pots (yay!), and quite a few gift cards and money! G also got me a beautiful blue ring, his birth stone! I definitely feel very blessed and extremely spoiled!

But that's not even the best or most amazing part of my Christmas. It seems that yes, Teri, there IS a Santa Claus! Two days before Christmas, I went out to my mailbox and discovered a nice little stack of Christmas cards amongst all the junk mail. One stuck out to me, however, because it was addressed only to me (and not to G as well). I immediately tore into it and could not believe what I saw...It said "Teri - Thank you for keeping the Christmas spirit alive. May all your wishes come true in 2010 ~Santa" and tucked inside were FIVE $100 bills!?!?!?! There was no return address & I don't personally know anyone who lives in the city where it was postmarked...we put a little extra in the plate at church on Christmas Eve and put the rest into the savings account, most likely to help pay for our FET in Feb-Mar & the unexpected property tax bill that we just got. Once we get our tax return back, we will definitely be paying it forward. This is one of those things you hear about in the movies and think it never really happens to "real" people. I am STILL in disbelief.

Random act of Christmas kindness from a stranger? Or a loved one showering us with anonymous (and tricky) blessings? We'll never know...all I know is that there really IS a Santa Claus!!!

B is absolutely amazing!

I don't have a ton of time to update...I have to run out the door in about 5 minutes to go get my first PIO shot from my nurse co-worker, but I wanted to keep all my bloggy-buddies in the know...

Today was an awesome day! G & I left the shore house around 7:30 this morning & made it to the RE's office around 10. B had been there since 8:15AM, but she had already been taken back to be prepped for the retrieval by the time we got there, so we communicated via text until she got taken back. Around 11, G was called back to give his sample & then about 30 minutes later, I got a text from B that brought tears to my eyes...it simply said "They got 36 eggs!!!!" It's enough to make this 3-egg-producing girl shout for joy! Seriously - that girl is the most fertile infertile I've ever seen! She came out just minutes later & we saw she & her hubby off (she was in pain and just wanted to lie down in the car and relax).

The fert report should be in tomorrow & then we're looking at a transfer on either Thursday or Saturday...with a slight possibility of Sunday. Please keep praying! God is in control and God is GOOD!

Let the madness ensue!!!

As of Friday, the madness (that is IVF) has officially begun! G & I had to drive to New Jersey (about 1.5 hours) at the crack of dawn for bloodwork (both of us) and an ultrasound (me). They said that everything looks good, except that I've got a bit of free-fluid hanging out in my uterus. The doctor said that it is normal & there is nothing that they can do for it, but that they do hope to see it go away before we get to the transfer date, so PLEASE pray about that for us! It isn't that the fluid would necessarily decrease our chances of implantation, but it certainly won't help & they're just hoping for a clean, plump uterus to accept the little embies!!

In other related news, B started her stims (ovary-stimulating meds) on Friday!! This is like THE BIG STEP in an IVF cycle. At her first (baseline) ultrasound on Friday, they found about 10 little eggs just hanging out!! And that was UN-stimulated!! They said that by the time she gets the stims in her, we could hope/expect to find about 20 of the little buggers going to town in there! We are so blessed! B goes back for another ultrasound on Monday and I go on Tuesday! Please continue to pray!

G & I have been throwing around a few ideas of what to give B as a gift. When it comes right down to it, nothing really seems appropriate or meaningful enough to reciprocate the miraculous opportunity she is giving us. Her enthusiasm & generosity have given us something that we haven't had much of over the past four years...HOPE. Finally, last night, the idea came to me (after some great suggestions from my online IF group girls) to call on my bloggy buddy Melissa for some help - and help she has! Despite the fact that she's on a jewelry-making break for the summer so she can spend time with her loved ones, she has GENEROUSLY offered to make a Hope Bracelet for us to give B. It will match the one that she made for me a year or so ago, which I won from her in an online contest! Please check her out for all your custom-jewelry needs (starting in late August when she returns from her break). She really is an amazing person!!

And finally, I was looking through my blog archives & I found this post, which seems appropriate for the theme of Hope we've got going on today. Enjoy!

The Peace of a Dove

Despite all of the craziness of the past week (2 preschool graduations, 3 days of cheerleading practices/tryouts, 2 last-days of school for my 3- and then 4-year-old classes, cleaning my classroom & new developments unfolding with the doctor's office), I've somehow managed to feel some sense of peace and calm (albeit nervousness) this week.

The graduations went really smoothly. Monday night's was the one for the 4-year-old class & it's definitely the more formal (and stressful) of the two. Everything went as planned (except for a minor catastrophe where the church had double-booked the chapel, which was our location...the choir had to be moved, which actually was a pretty substantial hassle for them). The 3-year-old's graduation was yesterday morning...it's actually not a graduation, but more an end-of-the-year celebration, since they're technically not going anywhere & will all be returning next year...it was a really adorable way to end an otherwise stressful year filled with parent issues, poopy pants, and behavior struggles, which all, thankfully started to work themselves out with the proper diagnosis and assistance!

And then yesterday, I decided to email my nurse at the RE's office because I realized that since they hadn't bothered to tell us up-front that we would have to pay for the donor's meds out-of-pocket, or for our psych evaluations out-of-pocket (which had no real likelihood of ever being reimbursed by our insurance), they probably had some other things that they weren't telling us...boy was I right! ugh...I emailed the nurse under the assumption that the RE's office would be handling all charges for my donor's bloodwork and ultrasound, even via distance monitoring, due to the fact that it was for a study and they could simply handle the matter from one doctor's office insurance to another...I mean, since they hadn't given us an itemized list of costs & since we've never done a study cycle before and we OF COURSE have never done a donor cycle before, we would have no idea about any of this...especially since the doctor had told me at the original consultation that the only cost to us would be getting our donor tested, or about $2000. This is a cut and paste of my Q&A w/ the nurse...

Q: Hi - just another question about something I wanted to be clear on...my donor will be doing her monitoring for the IVF study at a clinic closer to her home (not sure exactly where yet - still working on that). I will NOT be billed for the distance monitoring since it is in connection with the study, correct? I just don't want to get blind-sided with a bill or anything after the fact, as it has never been stated that her monitoring must be done on-site in order to be covered under the study. Thanks!

A: I’m sorry, but you will not be reimbursed for monitoring done at another center. You would need to pay them directly for any services done there. We would only cover monitoring for your donor that is done at RMA. Let me know if you have any other questions.

Regards, Jill

Needless to say, I'm pretty nervous about what this means for us...if the office charged us what they actually charge the insurance company, we wouldn't really mind so much, but considering how steeply they inflate their prices for uninsured billing, added to the fact that B could need up to 10 u/s & b/w...well...I'm wondering how the RE thought that this could POSSIBLY be cheaper for us than just any other IVF cycle. If anyone has any insight on this, please, please, PLEASE throw it our way! Otherwise, just pray!

But, yes. Despite all of this, I do still have a strange sense of peace...you know, that "peace that passes understanding." Understandably, my human self wants to worry, but somehow I just know that all of this will fall into place...

And this little nesting mama dove that I discovered (aka almost watered) yesterday in my hanging planter on the porch is a reminder of that peace...

Wait!: Two songs!

I'm just about ready to wrap up my (forever-and-a-day long) series on waiting in times of struggle. I wanted to share the lyrics to two songs with you that have really touched me & spoken to me throughout this IF journey. Read them. Mull them over. Take them in. They give me goosebumps.

The first is a hymn written in 1752 by a woman named Katharina von Schlege...it just goes to show you that God's messages are timeless...

"Be Still My Soul"

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to your God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: your best, your heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: your God will undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds shall know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

And this one is a bit less enduring, I'm sure, but meaningful nonetheless...it's "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus (I know, I know...it really is an amazing song).

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing,
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes they might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,
cause

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Somebody's you're going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

Wait: Lesson #5 (God's Timing is Perfect)

The last formal lesson in the wait series (I have a couple devotionals that I've written as well as some lyrics to some old hymns that I think are really relevant) is pretty short, sweet & to the point...although we don't always understand it or agree, there is a reason that we are where we are right now & God will continue to use our situations, troubles and struggles for His glory and in His time.

"Good people suffer many troubles, but the Lord saves them from them all." ~Psalm 34:19

• It is reassuring to know that we are not alone and our current struggles are certainly not meant to be viewed as punishment for past mistakes (although I will be the first to say that I am guilty of this mind-set...). There is no way to know WHY we are given these struggles, but the encouraging part is that our pain will not last forever. Someday, somehow, somewhere, the Lord will save us from our heartache.
  

"We know that in all things, God works for good with those who love him, those whom he has called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28

• What it basically comes down to is that without our struggles and troubles, we would have no need for God in our lives...sure, we would still probably thank Him daily for our blessings and go through the motions that "good Christians" do, but would we really be growing? In our church,we just finished up a bible study based on John Ortberg's "The Life You've Always Wanted." In one of the lessons, John mentioned how he once surveyed the members of his church and discovered (not surprisingly) that most of his churchgoers indicated that the greatest periods of spiritual growth in their lives happened during & immediately after times of hardship and great struggle! I know it doesn't make it any easier when you're right in the thick of it and down in the dumps, but hopefully we can take comfort in the fact that we continue to be God's work-in-progress.
  

Wait: Lesson #4 (Reliquish it to God)

Today's lesson is the 4th in a 5-part series on waiting through tough times, based on a speech my friend Kelli gave. I've added a couple of my own lessons throughout! If this is your first time here, please check out the older posts & don't forget to let me know what your thoughts are!

"My Father, if it is possible, take this cup of suffering from me! Yet not what I want, but what you want." ~Matthew 26:39

• I love the redundancy of this verse & how much it rings true to human nature. I mean, how often do we say, 'Lord, please give me x, y, & z....but only if it is your will.' And we all know that in our heads and hearts, we're screaming..."PLEASE! Let it be your will!" as though our pitiful pleadings could really sway the divine plan. The purpose of this verse, however, is not to give reassurance that God will take your pain away (hear me out on this one...), but rather that He can't take it away until you've really let go of the pain and fully thrust it all into God's hands...which, I know, is hard to do...especially in things like infertility where you already have so little control. You're almost begging for one tiny thread of something that you can claim ownership to, but that is what we are called to do.
  

"Father,' he said, 'if you will, take this cup of suffering away from me. Not my will, however, but your will be done.' And an angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him." ~Luke 22:42-43

• Although we're not literally seeing angels from heaven in our times of struggle (although DH thinks that Becki, our egg donor, is some form of an angel), I do believe that God sends people into our lives (at just the right time!) to help us through the hurt and pain. That person may be a parent, a sibling, a spouse, a new friend at a support group, a pastor, bloggy buddies, or message board friends who live thousands of miles away! The important thing to remember is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There is always someone out there who has been where you've been and understands your pain.

"But I will bless the person who puts his trust in me. He is like a tree growing near a stream and sending out roots to the water. It is not afraid when hot weather comes, because its leaves stay green; it has no worries when there is no rain; it keeps on bearing fruit." ~Jeremiah 17:7-8

• Honestly, for me, this step (Relinquish it to God) is the hardest for me to accept/enact. In reality, of course, it makes perfect sense: Take your mess of a life, package the meager remains up & give them to God to work his magic on. But it is so much easier said than done. In your head, you're crying out, "But God, I am a Christian woman and I feel like I've been handing this whole situation over to you all along through my daily prayers, my devotions, my confessions, my ministries, my worship!," but I also think that the more time you spend in prayer and in communion with God, the more you realize all that you've been clinging to...like that tree by the stream, the closer it is to the water, the less it worries about the dangers of the hot weather. Similarly, the closer we are to God, the less we worry about the outcome of life's disasters.

"To have faith is to be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of the things we cannot see." ~Hebrews 11:1

• I can be sure that I'll be a mommy someday (somehow, some way); I am certain that the Lord is always close by, especially when we are hurting. Reach out to Him today!
  

Wait: Lesson #3 (God will give you the strength you need)

I'm going to try to finish the series on "Wait!" up before Easter, but I make no promises, as this is an extremely busy time for us...teaching at Christian preschool means that things are busier than normal this time of year, plus we've been helping out on the set crew for the musical at DH's school, which is next weekend. Without further ado...here is lesson 3.

Lesson 3 - God will give you the strength that you need.
"If God brings you to it, God will bring you through it." This is probably another one of those quotes that people going through tough times are tired of hearing. I know I've probably rolled my eyes at it myself a time or two (or eight). But since it's often easier to hear those words straight from the maker, let's see what God says about all of this...

"If you think you are standing firm, you had better be careful that you do not fall. Every test that you have experienced is the kind that normally comes to people. But God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, he will give you the strength to endure it." ~1 Corinthians 10:12-13

• The reassurance that I gain from these verses is that everyone endures trials and hardships. So, while I realize that everyone out there isn't infertile & therefore can't understand the depth and breadth of your pain, it can safely be said that you can't understand all of their hardships either. You know how the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence? Well that sort of applies here...Everyone out there has their share of struggles (some people are just better at hiding them than others)...and while I can't always understand what someone else is going through, I like to think that my struggles can help me be more empathetic toward them.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." ~Philippians 4:13

• I'll be the first to admit that I've struggled with this verse from time to time. I know that I interpret it way too literally and say 'of course I can't do all things! I certainly can't will myself to have a baby now, can I?' - but I realize that I'm being ridiculous & that this verse is meant for encouragement over the long haul...no, I can't will myself to have a baby, but I can continue to pray, hope and find strength in God while I'm waiting...and considering the depths I've come from over the past few years, wallowing in my own self pity about not being able to have a baby, I would say that God's strength has definitely helped me to accomplish a great deal of His plan for my life.

"Three times I prayed to the Lord about this and asked him to take it away. But his answer was: 'My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak.' I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~2 Corinthians 12:8, 10

• It's really quite the oxymoron to envision being strong when we are weak...but when we remember that we are temples of God, then we can understand that when we are weakened physically, emptied of everything that we have, only then can God fully take over and carry us through by His strength.

Your challenge this week is to surrender your hurts to God and ask him to take over and carry your load where you know that you cannot.

Wait: Lesson #2 (God is in Control)

**Please read the whole way to the end for follow-up comments on lesson 1 & these lessons as a whole!

Lesson #2 - God Knows What He is Doing. He is in Control

• I often find it hard to admit to myself that God has even remembered who I am, let alone that he's actually orchestrating the plans of my life on a daily basis. I am reminded that God does not always give us our sufferings (Satan is always in the mix where pain and struggle are concerned), but He does hurt when we hurt and it does pain him to see us suffering. It makes it easy to wonder why He doesn't just take away this hurt and pain, which we know he does have the power to do....it makes it easy to question or challenge God and scream out in anguish against our burdens, just as Job did (see God's response to him below).
  

"Who are you to question my wisdom? Were you there when I made the world? Who closed the gates to hold back the sea when it burst from the womb of the earth? Have you ever in all your life commanded a day to dawn? Has anyone ever shown you the gates that guard the dark world of the dead?" ~Job 38:2, 4, 8, 12, 17

• When I get angry with God and begin to cry out in anger and frustration, I read passages like this and I struggle in some ways. On the one hand, I feel so small and insignificant...why would the God who commands each day to dawn care about me moaning and complaining that I can't have a baby? or that I am unhappy at work? or that life isn't really turning out the way I had hoped? But then I take some comfort in knowing that no matter how insignificant I feel, God does in fact care about my struggles...it's just that in my imperfect human perspective, I have trouble understanding (and accepting) that His plans are not my plans & I'm not in the driver's seat, as this world would like me to believe (see below).

"I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for." ~Jeremiah 29:11

• Sometimes my life does, in fact, feel like a disaster. I'm almost 30 years old, no baby, no good-paying job, no extraordinary gifts or talents, nothing to really be known for...and I struggle with that a lot. A LOT. I find myself being so intensely over-critical of myself that every flaw is magnified 100x & everyone else's good traits are inflated accordingly...in essence, I can see everyone else's "good life" and find myself begrudging my own...and it's a tough predicament to get out of, considering my life circumstances aren't really changing (and haven't for the past 4 years)....BUT I do put my hope in the Lord. I know that my timing is not His timing. My plans are not His plans. The path I would like to take isn't necessarily the one that He's leading me on. And I'm learning to trust. I'm hopeful that somewhere, somehow, someday along this journey, He will bring about the future that I hope for.
  

**After re-reading my last post, as well as some of the comments, I feel the need to note that these 5 lessons are in no way meant to make you feel guilty if you aren't living by them in your daily life. I certainly do not want any of my readers to think that I'm never bitter over my infertility struggles (check out some of my posts from 2006-2007 for proof of that) or that it's so easy for me to hand over control of my life's situations to God...because it's NOT! It's absolutely a daily struggle, and quite honestly...it sucks. I will never be able to look back and honestly say that this season in my life was a blessing in a horrific disguise or that I will know what God was trying to teach me through all of this, but I am learning to trust & that's a really hard thing for me to do. I hope you'll be back for more...

Wait: Lesson #1 (bitter or better?)

Over the next 5 (IF-related) blog posts, I hope to help provide you with 5 Lessons for Dealing with Difficult Situations, which are all based upon my friend Kelli's speech/sermon, which she presented at our church back in January. The numbered lessons (1-5) are hers, but I hope to go into a bit of depth and add my own insight, so I guess you could say it's a joint effort! And don't worry, I got her enthusiastic approval before beginning this venture!

Lesson#1 - You can become bitter or better.

• First of all - WOW! I can remember times when just reading that line would have sent me into a tailspin (bitter??? Don't I have a RIGHT to be bitter??), but honestly...I can look back and say it's the honest-to-goodness truth. Everyday we have a choice. We can choose to be bitter and sulk & have an eternal pity party, or we can do our best to suck it up and accept where we are today. The here-and-now (and how we deal with it) makes us the person that we are; the person that others see. Do you want them to know you as "that bitter infertile woman," or "the woman who counts her blessings each day, hopeful that better days are just around the bend?" (see the quote below)
  

"A person's character is determined not by how they act when life is going their way, but by how they act when life is NOT going their way." ~Author Unknown

• This quote made me think of that old saying about how people are like tea bags...you never realize their true strength and purpose until they're in a bit of hot water...how true is that? If God never put us under a little pressure, our lives would be perfect & then we'd have no need for Him...and yes, I know, sometimes it seems as though we've been burned by that scalding hot water, but you know what? We're still alive to tell about it & that says something about who we are and the people that God continues to transform us into.

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." ~Psalm 71:20

• The good news is: God promises there is always light at the end of the tunnel...we are not the first people to see hard times and struggle, nor will we be the last. The bible details many stories of hardship, loss and struggle, but no matter how low your lowest depth may reach, God promises that He will bring you back up.

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." ~Romans 5:3-4

• Rejoice in our sufferings? There's a new one! How can I possibly rejoice in suffering? I mean, I could see being numb or indifferent...and I'll even give you pseudo-pleasant...but rejoice? I'm not so sure I can do that, God. But I will tell you, that after all this time, I can honestly say that I can see how God has used me and grown me over these past four years. I know that I will be a better parent and I will not take as much for granted (of course, you can ask me that hopefully in a few months when I have morning sickness & it might be a different story, but I digress!). I have seen, first hand, the good parents and the bad & I admit that I now have a clearer picture of the life that I want my child to have & the boundaries that I (we) plan to set. So in a way, I can see how this suffering can lead to rejoicing (even if I can't always rejoice in the midst).

"Why am I so sad? Why am I so troubled? I will put my hope in God, and once again I will praise him, my savior and my God." ~Psalm 42:11

• Although the change is not an immediate one, this verse gives us an assurance that if we are believers and put our hope in God, our strength will be renewed and we will once again praise Him. It's good to know that we can take a little time for our pity party, but it should not last.

So we have two choices in this fight...we can surrender to the devil and become bitter, or we can rejoice (???) in our sufferings and become a better, stronger & more faithful follower because of them. Which choice will you make today?

Waiting...when no one understands

It's amazing how many sayings there are in our language about waiting and patience...
You know, "Good things come to those who wait!," & "Patience is a virtue," or (according to Tom Petty), "the waiting is the hardest part." And I don't know about you, but anyone who says something like this to someone in pain or struggle has obviously never had major unrealized dreams in their own lives...because these adages are JUST.SO.PATRONIZING! They honestly serve no other purpose than to give the person something to say when they just don't know what to say...and I get that, I really do. It's human nature to want to offer something more than just that longing, sympathetic look to someone who is hurting...and honestly, over the years, I've learned to brush off those comments, but I know it isn't that easy for other women.

So the question is, what can we do about it? I guess in the heat of the moment, there's probably not much we can do except smile and grit our teeth...but that only leaves them feeling better about themselves and us feeling worse. And while I hate to play the victim here, aren't we already the ones that are hurting?

I think that the key to preventing future moments like this is through education. That's why I circulate my copies of the "Stepping Stones" newsletter to all of my family who knows we're having trouble TTC. Can you send your family a link to your favorite IF discussion boards or blogs? Can you give them books that deal with the emotional, physical, spiritual and psychological effects of infertility? Can you create your own infertility blog that you can send out to your family & friends? If nothing else, all of these avenues open up the board for a discussion & help your loved ones to realize the hurt and pain that are hidden behind your somewhat-pleasant facade (because we all know we put on that happy face most of the time)...I think in many cases, most people don't understand the depth of an infertile couple's pain, which reaches far beyond the mere fact that you are unable to have a child (the good old-fashioned way, like 83% of all couples), but rather completely changes you spiritually, relationally & mentally. I know for myself, the toughest pill to swallow has been nearing my 29th birthday & having people harp on me that I'm "still so young" but consciously realizing that my life is not shaping up the way that I had thought/hoped that it would (in the dream where I was 30 with two kids or at least the 2nd on the way).

So make it your goal today to educate one of your loved ones about your inner hurt and pain. You don't have to lay your whole heart out on the table...just send along your infertility articles & newsletters, or even a link to this post to let them know how you feel. And maybe, just maybe, over time, we can replace those nagging old sayings with uplifting ones like these...

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." ~Isaiah 40:31

"May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

Now that we've focused on helping those around us help us to deal with patience in times of struggle, it's on to the REAL meat of this series...how we can help ourselves to deal in these trying times. Over the next 5 posts, I'll expound on my friend Kelli's 5 points for waiting through the struggle. I hope you'll come back to join us!

Wait: a poem

This poem is by an unknown author (if you know it, please let me know and I will be sure to cite him/her). My friend Kelli used this as the opening to her sermon on patience through struggles & I thought it was perfect to begin my series, as well!

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait!"

"Wait?, you say, wait!" my indignant reply.
Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By FAITH I have asked, and am claiming your Word

My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes,' a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

And Lord, you promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
"I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And I grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel and His eyes wept with mine
And he tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want - but you wouldn't know ME!"

"You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in me
When darkness and silence were all you could see."

"You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of my Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save...(for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of my heart."

"The glow of my comfort late into the night.
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST."

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved ones overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss! if I lost what I'm doing in you!"

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
THAT THE GREATEST OF GIFTS IS TO GET TO KNOW ME!
And though of may my answers seem terribly late,
My wisest of answers is still but to WAIT."

Coming soon...WAIT!

I know I've been scarce this past week, but honestly, I haven't felt that I've had anything of worth to share with you...until now! I recently attended a seminar by one of my real-life friends, Kelli. She's struggled with infertility for 5+ years and is currently pregnant with twins!! She wrote and delivered a speech on patience through tough times. The sermon is entitled "Wait." Over the next few posts, I plan to deliver that message to all of my lovely readers, along with a few devotionals on patience that I wrote myself...if you know anyone that could use a message on patience through struggles, please pass my blog onto them! I would love to get some more readers listed on my followers (and I know that would motivate me to post more often). And if you ARE a follower, please don't lurk! I love to hear your comments!

In other exciting news, G & I met with my middle school friend, B over the weekend. She's the one who heard through the grapevine (where the internet/facebook/blogosphere & real life collide) that we're looking for an egg donor so that we can be a part of our IVF study. Up until Saturday, we had only been sending messages via facebook, but I wanted she and G to meet and I knew that I needed to catch myself up to speed on her life & catch her up to speed on the whole IVF/donor process. We met at a cute little (and delicious) restaurant for lunch and chatted about anything and everything...but mostly about her amazing generosity. There were times when I almost succumbed to the tears of joy that wanted to come out, but I kept my cool. It was just amazing to see how head-over-heels excited she is about this opportunity to give to someone in need. She said that she almost feels selfish and greedy doing this because it is something that she wants to do so badly. Her enthusiasm and optimism were so infectious that G & I left the restaurant aglow and hand-in-hand.

But, being cautious (okay, pessimistic) as we are, we aren't ready to get our hopes up just yet...see there's this person called a doctor...and he kind of has to approve our donor candidate first. And since she struggled with infertility herself (even though it wasn't related to eggs), we aren't ready to plunge into the sea of emotions just yet. B was diagnosed with endo at age 16...endo so severe that her doctors told her that she would never be able to have children. Way to turn someone into an adult, PDQ, huh? So after several molar pregnancies and miscarriages, they miraculously gave birth to their miracle little girl who is now almost 9 years old...after her birth, B had to have a partial hysterectomy due to the endo...so they removed her uterus, but her ovaries are still present and I'm told fully functioning! So in all reality, there should be no issue since her uterus is what prevented her pregnancies, not her eggs...

Wow, this all just seems so surreal. If someone had told me a year ago (whilst in the midst of our IVF cycle) that in a year, we would be a) trying for our 4th attempt at IVF, b) as part of a study, c) using a middle-school friend's eggs, whom I haven't spoken to in 15 years, I would have told you that you were insane...I mean, only real life (or lifetime movies) could write story lines like this...of course, with a little help from you-know-who...

Yeah, about that post I never got to yesterday...

Just so you know, I did have all intentions of writing a second post yesterday but, well, I honestly don't have a good excuse! I don't know where my night went! G was out kind of late & then we wanted to go work out at his parents' house (4 workouts for me this week! WOO HOO!), then I came home and made dinner (chicken w/ herbed gravy and rice) and by the time I was done cleaning up from dinner, making G's lunch and getting myself ready for the next day's work, I pretty much just went to bed!

But my post was GOING to be about my relationship with God as of late. I haven't posted much because I've kind of been in a weird place. Over the past year, my relationship with God has kind of been correlated to where we are in our TTC efforts. If we're pursuing treatments or waiting, I'm pretty good and I have a lot of hope and I really feel as though God is really with me and understanding me. But when we get bad news or plans change or get postponed, I get frustrated and angry with God for allowing this to be drawn out EVEN LONGER! I guess you could say that the stage we're in now is no different. We're juggling a couple of different donor prospects for the study; just getting myself to believe that we will actually get to be a part of this is enough to give me hope and feel as though God is coming through for us...but then to see how people have rallied around us and supported us is just amazing and it definitely shows God's faithfulness in His time. One woman from an online infertility support group has offered, as well as a middle/high school friend of mine from back in the day. Also, a friend from the online support group has been scouring her friends & moms groups and a third prospect has come forward, as well as a couple of people who have just randomly stumbled across my blog. I find it all so incredible. And humbling.

But I digress...back to the whole God thing...I was telling a fellow infertile blogger the other day that I often feel like Job. He was God's beloved; he was upright and of pure heart; he tried to please God in all he did. And then Satan came and destroyed all that he had. His family was gone, his home and riches were destroyed, he was covered in boils and sores and even his friends (who stood by him) didn't quite understand him. He felt so alone, yet he remained faithful to God and refused to turn on the Lord. There were times of desperation when he shook his fist at God and demanded to know "why?". But you know what? God basically gave it right back to him...and slowly, I, too, have been learning that I don't need to know WHY or HOW or WHEN...I just need to know how to have FAITH and PATIENCE and TRUST.

The Caedmon's Call song, "Faith My Eyes" has really been speaking to me lately. If you've never heard of CC or this song, you've gotta check them out!

But if I must go
Things I trust will be better off without me
But I don't want to know
Life is better off a mystery

So keep'em coming these lines on the road
And keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load
And keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise
And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes

But I get turned around
I mistake some happiness for blessing
But I'm blessed as the poor
Still I judge success by how I'm dressin

And also Caedmon's Call, "Table for Two"

'Cause You knew how You'd save me
before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day
long before You made me out of dirt

And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep.

Can't we all just get along?

Sometimes we can learn a lot from animals...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBtFTF2ii7U

This, that & the other

Today was another day off for me, due to ultrasound & bloodwork for my prep cycle this morning. Once again, in my true, messed up fashion, my P4 is STILL elevated & I need to go back Monday for another u/s & b/w. I'm debating on whether or not I should try and rush around to get back, or just ask to get a sub for the whole day again. I hate missing my kids so much & I really need to get my evaluations done, but like I said, I hate hurrying to get back, too...I think I'm going to go to my classroom tomorrow (while I'm at the church for my friend's testimony speech) and get everything set up, just in case.

In other WONDERFUL news, we were both surprised & touched when we got the following email in our inboxes yesterday. I will cut & paste a copy of our pastor's weekly e-message that is sent out to the congregation:
e-Message From The Heart

"I know how you feel" is one of the most misused and hurtful phrases a person can utter. Unless we have been through almost the exact same experience, it is essentially impossible for us to know how another person feels.

Recently a childless couple trying to have a baby came to us with a request that we ask the congregation to pray and pass the word that they need to find a young woman, age 18 through 33, to donate eggs for fertilization and implantation.

In the Old Testament the inability to have children, called barrenness, was believed to be a curse from God. Today it remains one of life's greatest heartaches and hurts. It hurts so much that sometimes in our well meaning desire to comfort we say things that hurt even more.

It is especially difficult, I am told, to bare this sorrow in a church like ours where we are blessed by so many beautiful children and babies. But by the grace of God, modern medicine is making amazing strides. Now more couples who dream and pray of giving birth to a child of their own are seeing their prayers answered.

What is needed is an act of love. The donor will need to meet with doctors and take some medicine before the eggs are harvested. There is some financial support for the donor. The procedure is not painful but it is certainly a significant gift to give.

Please pray with me that the Holy Spirit will move the right person to step forward, and that the result will be a healthy child delivered to loving and grateful parents.

You or a potential donor can get more information from Pastor Wendy.

Psalm 113, verse 9 says: "He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the Lord!"
~Pastor Dave

So have I mentioned yet that I LOVE him? I told DH yesterday that I hoped it was ok with him that I loved the pastor. He said, "That's fine...but you do know you can't marry him, right?" And I replied, "Oh yeah, I know, he's already married, it's fine" - LOL - nevermind the fact that I, too, am already married. It's ok. He's a little too old for me anyway...

Please continue to pray...and if you wonder why I haven't posted in a while, it's because I've been entering contests like mad over at the bloggy giveaway carnival (button in my sidebar)!

PSA: I am in love with my pastor!

Ok, so maybe "in love" isn't quite appropriate, but I do LOOOOVE him! I've been patiently (or impatiently) waiting for weeks to hear anything back from the church about aiding us on our search for an egg donor. I had written to one of the associate pastors asking if she would agree to be our contact person if we were to anonymously "advertise" for a donor & I basically heard NOTHING back (turns out they were waiting to talk to the ministerium attorney, but still - something to tide my patience over would have been nice). Last week, I took matters into my own hands & set up a meeting with the senior pastor to discuss the matter. I met with him today & all of my feelings of frustration melted away...I truly do love that man. He is just so kind and dear...and he "gets" it.

He spent a lot of time asking me questions about the procedure, the far-reaching implications of donating eggs & our "criteria" for the donor. I could tell that he wanted to be sure that we really understood what we were doing & by the end, I think he did. We were both tearing up. At one point, we were discussing adoption vs. doing the study & he said, "Don't even think about money, which is more important to you: just getting a baby to parent or the whole experience (pregnancy)?" and without a second thought, I of course said that the experience of pregnancy has ABSOLUTELY been the hardest part for me to let go of...and he immediately said, "Well then this is what we have to do...we will find you a donor."

Then I mentioned about how we understood that some people may be offended to which he replied, "Well sure, people will be offended, there's always someone who is going to be offended by something, but think of the good that could come from this! Think of the joy that a woman could have knowing that she gave another woman the opportunity to become a mother! This is just such a great opportunity for our church to rally and support each other!" And I just sighed, nodded, and teared up. Wow. He gets it.

So at the end, he prayed with me and said that they will print it in the bulletin this week & he (in his typical diplomatic nature) will make an anonymous announcement at all of the services this weekend & do a bit of tugging on the old heart-strings.

Today is a good day. I just have good feelings about this...He makes me feel all warm & fuzzy inside. And you know what? Today he made me realize that God is there...God is HERE. And instead of making me angry, it actually encouraged me to see this wonderful man of God humbled by the things about God that he doesn't understand. Like why there are tons of bad parents out there who can get pregnant at the drop of a hat & then there's people like us who want it so badly we can taste it, yet we have to jump through hoops. And yet, even a pastor can't understand what God is doing with all of it...but one thing that Pastor D was sure of, we will be blessed through all of this.

And you know what? For once, I agree. I'm in a good place today, where I can see that there's a time for wailing and lamenting about the bad stuff in my life, but I spend way too little time praising God for the good. The good hubby I have, the good job (no matter how frustrating), the good home, the good family, and all around the GOOD people in our lives. I think my hardened heart is finally starting to soften. And you know what else? I think I might cry again in church this week...but for totally different reasons...

Update on my appointment...

Well hello everyone! I hope you had a great Thanksgiving. Ours was pretty good, minus the discovery of our leaky washing machine, which, consequently, dripped down THROUGH THE BRAND NEW FLOOR, right THROUGH THE BRAND NEW CEILING in our BRAND NEW HOUSE...but I digress...Thanksgiving was otherwise splendid. Really.

I wanted to keep you all posted on yesterday's appointment. I met with the new doctor, Doctor B & I fell in love with him from the get-go! The first thing he said as I sat down was, "you're way too young to have a file this thick" to which I of course agreed. He then asked my thoughts on future treatments (G & I had discussed doing IUI with acupuncture mostly as a last-ditch effort treatment before pursuing adoption) and then he made some suggestions for me.

One suggestion that came out was a study that is currently open for donor egg candidates. For basically free (up to $2000 simply to cover the testing for the egg donor), we would use a known donor (someone we choose...if we have no one and it were to be anonymous, it would cost about $10K) and then inject their eggs with G's sperm. After three days (this is the study part), they would take all of the viable embryos & biopsy half of them. They are studying to see the effects of biopsy on embryos. Apparently old research had said it was helpful, but new research is indicating that perhaps biopsied embryos are not more likely to stick and become pregnancies after all. This is what they are testing for. Of all of the embryos retrieved, they would then transfer back to me, one non-biopsied embryo and one biopsied embryo. If a birth results, the only post-requirements of the program would be to submit any children born from the study to a cheek swab upon birth...sounds easy enough to me!

Gregg was nervous when I told him about it, mostly because he thought that I was so against donor eggs...he's been spending this whole time thinking that I've been the one attached to having my DNA when in reality, I am more attached to the whole experience than having my DNA present. His biggest fear now is finding the right person. He especially does not want to ask someone whom we see on a regular basis - he thinks it would be a really weird situation for both us and any children we could have from the procedure...and I tend to agree. Let me know if you have any leads to someone who might be interested. There is no compensation, which is why it is a HUGE favor to ask of someone and not to be taken lightly (which I understand), but at the same time, we are on a pretty tight schedule here, since the study is a first-come, first-served basis & they are taking 50 women. The first fifty that qualify are in & that's it, so the dr. doesn't know how long it could take to find that many that qualify, but he is certain that I would.

OK - a little TMI here...(just to warn you!)
He did ultrasound and bloodwork & told me that I have a beautiful uterus (awww, shucks, Dr. B!), but that my lining was thick like it wanted to shed (which is what you would expect for not having a period in 70 days). He found tons of nice little follicles (which is also amazing since I've never really had more than two or three in there)...he showed me about 7 of various sizes. He also found a large mass (likely a cyst or an endometrioma 16x19mm in size), which he thinks is releasing hormones, causing my body to think that I've had my period when I really haven't. He ran every type of test imaginable on my blood (pg test, FSH, LH, progesterone, estrogen, estradial, plus a urine test) & I will get the results of that later today. If I haven't ovulated in the last week & my body shows no signs of an impending ovulation, he's going to give me drugs to bring on my period & hopefully get this show on the road. If we decide to do the study, I will take a month to get the preliminary testing done & then another month to suppress & prep for the egg transfer. Whew! Sounds like a busy couple of months ahead of us, but I am SO EXCITED to have some hope!

Please pray for us that we could find a donor soon...it's certainly not likely that we will ever come across an opportunity like this (studies for poor responders are nearly non-existent), but I also realize that it's a huge favor to ask of someone...it's times like this that I wish a had a sister (who didn't mind being poked with needles and going for ultrasounds every couple of days for a week or so)....

Being Thankful...

Lord knows I have so many things to be thankful for...I realize that I probably spend so much time on here griping about what I DON'T have that I must sound like an ungrateful little brat...but I really DO want to take the time to tell everyone how thankful I really am for all of the blessings I have...

My top 10 things to be thankful for this holiday season...
10. Internet friends - when life has got you down, you can trust your internet friends to pick you up. THANK YOU! You will never really understand how much your emails and blog comments of encouragement and sympathy really mean.
9. Our Health - aside from my broken, whacked out reproductive system, we are both very fortunate to have our health. We're alive, able to walk, breathe and work. What a blessing!
8. My kitty - since we have no children of our own, Faithy has filled the spot well for the past 5 or so years. She's quirky, fat, and scared of everything, but I love her to pieces!
7. Finding my earring yesterday - ok - I know - this one seems so strange, but it was totally a God thing, therefore I must write about it. On Tuesday evening, I put my hand up to my ear and realized that my three-stone-diamond earring was missing. I wear both of my pairs of earrings (the other being white gold hoops) non-stop. I don't even take them out to sleep in. They've been in my ears pretty much continuously for years. I don't even think I'm aware how often I put my hands up to my earlobes to make sure the earring backs are tight, etc., so when I realized the earring was missing, I was, in short, freaking out! I searched the entire house, inspecting every hair, dust bunny, or thread that caught my eye on the floor, but to no avail. G was very gracious about the whole ordeal, but I was so upset and emotional about it all (see item #2 on this list). I assumed the earring was gone for good. Yesterday, I went to work as usual & was talking to the first little girl who arrived at daycare when something caught on the floor caught my eye. Lo-and-behold! It was my earring...despite the fact that the area had been vacuumed the night before, the earring somehow remained, albeit somewhat worse for the wear. I took it to the jewelry store after work and got it straightened out & the back replaced, only to have G find the backing on the bathroom floor yesterday night. I had managed to go from our bathroom the whole way to work without the earring falling out! Wow! I don't think I could ever be that fortunate again!
6. Real life friends - Although it is so hard to keep in touch and keep up the kind of relationships that we used to have, I do cherish my real-life friends. We try to keep in touch via phone, facebook & occasional get-togethers (yay!), but it's kind of sad that I can honestly say that I don't have any friends here like the ones I made back home. I have a few people from G's work that I hang out with, but I know they don't know me in the same way as my "old friends" do...especially my high school & TAGG friends. So, if you're reading, I miss you terribly!
5. My job - Even though my current position (well, actually just the 3-year-old portion of it) frustrates.me.to.death, I know that I am very fortunate to be working, especially with our economy and many people being laid off, etc. My 4-year-olds are amazing & they make coming to work (at least 3 days a week) a true joy!
4. My family - G & I are both blessed with wonderful parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents, & extended families. Both sets of our parents have provided & continue to provide for us in so many ways. They are such blessings!
3. Our new home - With the economy being the way it is, we were so fortunate to be able to sell our old home (in a month!) and comfortably settle into our new home this year. It was a completely unexpected turn of events that started back in April, but we could not be happier to be in our own little dream home!
2. Gregg! - G is definitely the one person in this world who "gets me." Even though he rolls his eyes when I'm overly emotional (who me?) and frustrates me to all-get-out with his ridiculous coaching schedules (let's not open THAT can of worms! k?), I do know that he's always there for me and truly wants me to be happy (not that it's all about me or anything). He's so silly & has a quiet, cheesy sense of humor that puts me into hysterics sometimes...yep, I think I'll keep him!
1. God! - I've been kind of a wayfaring follower lately. Personal issues with our infertility (and finances related to infertility), my job, and our infertility (wait? did I already mention that?) have really not been good for our relationship. I know I'm just lost right now & eventually, I'll find my way back to Him...but the wonderful part is that God knows where I'm at even when I'm lost...that little light is flickering in there somewhere & eventually, I'll have the strength to make it burn again...but for now, He's holding onto me by a thread & for that, I'm thankful.