You are not alone

A fellow IF-er posted this today on my IF board and I asked her permission to share it with you...

I try and thank all of you often, but I don’t know how to impress how deeply my thanks to you goes. I have come to learn the hard way that infertility is one of the most brutal inhumane, unrelenting battles a person can fight. Each disappointment feels like a small death. SO many dreams die when you are struggling to create a family. I was always one of those girls who stuffed pillows up her dress and pretended to be pregnant. It wasn’t just a dream, it was an inevitability. Of course I would fall in love, get married and get pregnant like everyone else. Why wouldn’t I? That’s how life works isn’t it? Not so much for me. I’m coming to grips with the fact that a big round belly doesn’t seem to be in the cards for me. I know that I will be a mother, but it’s still painful to let go of the dream that I will carry my own baby.

This is where you come in. Every time I see that doctor no matter how much I try and prepare myself for bad news it feels like someone has sliced my heart wide open. The pain is something I have only experienced when someone I love has died. The problem is that nobody has died. I am expected to pick myself up, dust myself off and head back to work. How am I supposed to go on with my life when a huge hole has been cut into my heart? This is where all of you come in. Over and over you immediately swoop in with your needles and thread and sew my heart back together. Each of you put a little stitch or two into my mangled heart and mend it with your love. Your constant and unwavering love heals my heart right back up and it’s stronger than ever. This battle has not weakened my heart, but made it stronger. It is thick and strong with all of the scars of this merciless struggle. My heart is this big huge patchwork quilt of your love. It is now stronger and capable of holding more love than ever thanks to all of your handiwork. I will never be able to thank you, especially my war buddies who rescue me over and over while they are still on the battlefield themselves. When we do welcome a baby into our family, because one way or another we will, it is going to be the luckiest child in the entire world to be loved by each and every one of you.

With all of that said, I am going to stop crying and I am going to go read my book of baby names because as sad as I am, you are all sewing away right now, I will be better shortly and I know that we will have a baby that will need a name very soon.

The Big (LONG) Update (finally!)

It's time to come clean about the big BFP. Though not spontaneous by any means, it is as big of a shock to us as it is to you. Read on...you might want some snacks...it's a long one (some is for self-documentation purposes, so feel free to skim!) Pictures from every ultrasound (and the embryos) can be found at our baby blog: www.schollbaby.blogspot.com

As I mildly hinted back in February, we decided that we were going to do our FET (2 frozen embryos from our donor egg cycle in July 2009) in March. We decided (after little debate) that we weren't going to let ANYONE in on it, including our parents...after all that we had been through, it was just easier not to have the questions, "when is your shot? how are you feeling? when is your beta? when is this? when is that?," etc, etc, etc...even though of course we know those questions always come out of love and concern. A couple people at each of our workplaces knew, but otherwise, no one! My online infertility girls didn't even find out about it until the evening of the transfer.

On March 18th, I went in to work with G. We were supposed to get the call about an hour and a half before we needed to be at the doctor's office, so there was no way for me to go in to work & still have enough time to meet up with him & leave on such short notice, even though we knew that the call probably wouldn't be made until after 10. Around lunch time, we got the call & they asked if we could be there by 2:00, which was no problem. We ate our lunches, G secured his coverage & then we picked up and left, getting there with plenty of time to spare. They took us back almost immediately and got us set up in our "room" (basically one large room with curtains between each). There were about 4 other couples there. We had elected to receive laser acupuncture both before and after the transfer. It was only an extra $200 and we figured this was our last chance...we would do everything possible to increase our chances of success. It was completely painless and took about 5 minutes. Around 3:00, the RE (Dr. Kim) came in and told us that both of our embryos thawed beautifully (which was honestly the biggest obstacle to pass of the day!). He said that they picked up right where they had left off as far as growing was concerned. By 3:30, we were in and out of the transfer room & I was receiving my 2nd dose of laser acupuncture. After my mandatory 20 minutes rest, G & I made the long (traffic!!!!) trek home with a stop at Wendy's for dinner (because, after all, baby likes HEALTHY food!). By the time we made it home, I barely had any rest time before actual bed time, but G made sure I didn't do too much. I returned to work the next day...my 4-year-olds are easy enough, so I wasn't worried about over-doing it.

We had already made plans to travel up to my parents' house for a family spaghetti dinner that weekend. This meant that, for the first time, I would have to do my PIO shot by myself (G is terrified of needles & passes out - but it's ok - I still love him LOTS!). I was terrified, but my co-worker (former nurse who had been doing my shots for me) guided me through it & watched me do it by myself the next day. She marked out a few spots for me with a Sharpie & I prayed for confidence! The next day, though still extremely nervous, I did it! Complete with finding a good spot (my sharpie marks had washed away!) and drawing back to check for blood! Over time, while doing my own, G became my band-aid man & would stand on the sidelines (not watching) until I was ready for him! Though still not my favorite thing to do (and I'm glad I am officially off of the PIOs), I can do an IM shot like a pro!

So, back to the story...on March 26th, the night before my beta, I went to a social event with my co-workers. While there, I started to feel crampy & went to the bathroom to discover some brownish pink spotting. I was completely miserable the rest of the night (despite the fact that I won 2 prizes while there) & texted G for the duration of the party about how I wanted to come home (I had carpooled with someone else, so I couldn't leave). The next day was beta day and I felt that my fate had already been revealed the night before, but I took a HPT that morning anyway. I couldn't sleep, so I was up way before G. I peed on the stick, waited the obligatory 3 minutes, saw no line & went back to bed. I was so numb. Even though I felt like I had gotten my answer the night before, the blank spot where the line was supposed to be, staring me straight in the face, was like a punch in the gut. Looking back in regular lighting, later in the day (much past the 10 minute window), we could see what MAY or MAY NOT have been a line, but at 9dp5dt, we were looking for a nice, dark line. We kept telling ourselves we were ready to adopt and ready to move on and "just be parents in whatever way we could" but the reality was that those 2 little embies still gave us hope...and try as we might to not get those hopes up, that was virtually impossible.

By the grace of God, I held it together all morning for the blood draw. Several hours later, we got the call that I WAS PREGNANT with a super beta of 163! The nurse on the phone probably thought I was a real witch or something because she told me and I didn't even react - I still could not believe that 2 negatives (spotting and the BFN on the HPT) could equal a positive. I just said "ok" after every statement she said. After I hung up, we were both in shock, but not excited like we should have been. We had been to that place before & we knew better than to get our hopes up prematurely. But we hoped, and we prayed, and we prayed some more.

2 days later (16dpo), I went back for repeat bloodwork & discovered that not only had my number doubled, it had almost tripled to 412! I was beginning to get more excited at this point. However, when I inquired about my progesterone level, which they said looked "good," I discovered that it was low by most RE's standards at 13. So I did what any desperate girl would do. I first called and got my PIO dosage increased (they would only let me do an extra 1/2 mL). I also pleaded for a prescription for progesterone suppositories, but to no avail. So again, I did what any desperate girl would do...please don't tell...I self-medicated. You see, I had some expired progesterone suppositories in my refrigerator & with the help of my enablers (aka my online infertility girls), I started taking them daily for nothing more than some peace of mind. I also begged for a 2nd repeat beta for some additional peace of mind (especially since we were traveling to my parents' house for Easter). Again, I got the call with good news! My beta needed to be at least 1648 to meet the standard 48 doubling time (now at 20dpo) & it came back with a SUPER STAR number of 2379 & my p4 went up to a comfortable (for me) number of 20. Not sure if it was the extra p4 supplementation, but I'll take it. Many of my online girls were thinking twins at that point because my betas were so high...

The day after Easter, April 5th, we went back to the RE for our first ultrasound. We were both terrified, as this was the point in our previous pregnancy where we had the ultrasound and they saw nothing, betas began to decline & we lost the baby. BUT NOT THIS TIME!!! This time we saw ONE beautiful gestational sac with a yolk sac inside! Just what we wanted to see. The PA said it was too early to measure for a due date, but that everything looked just like it was supposed to look (5w2d). My bloodwork also came back stellar with my p4 holding steady at 20 & my beta shooting up to 8067!! In the week between my ultrasounds, I would live on an ultrasound- (and beta-) high for about two days, before reality (and Satan with his doubt) would begin to creep back in. I had no symptoms at that point beyond bigger BBs (although I wasn't complaining about that one)...and I knew that was just from the progesterone.

On Monday, April 12th, we saw and heard one of the most beautiful things in the world...our baby's heartbeat! We were in shock and awe mode. I had myself completely convinced that we would get there and see that the gestational sac and yolk sac had disappeared...G thought I was just being ridiculous & I told him I was glad that he could say "I told you so!" We also saw another mass at the ultrasound which we've determined was likely a 2nd sac that just never developed (considering how high my betas were, this would make perfect sense, since I was right in the average range for twins). Progesterone was holding steady at 20 & hcg rose steadily to 30,896. My TSH came back still slightly elevated (at 3.6) so they increased my dosage a 2nd time & continued to monitor it. The baby measured right around 6 weeks at that time, which was perfect & a HB of 120bpm.

At the 7 week scan (April 19th), they discovered that the 2nd sac had continued to grow. They still saw it as no cause for concern, which was encouraging. We heard the heartbeat again (136bpm) and the baby measured right on target (7w2d). Finally on April 26th, we went for our 8 week ultrasound & for the first time, our baby looked like a baby (or a gummy bear)! The baby measured 2 days ahead (8w4d) & HB was 164bpm! The RE's office "released" me with a really cute ultrasound pic baby card & a stack of pregnancy magazines, though they can't officially release me while I'm still on progesterone (though they actually did since I REFUSED to go cold-turkey so early-on). My TSH went back down to normal levels at 1.86 and they finally gave us a due-date of December 3rd, 2010! And still, our families had NO CLUE.

We traveled up to my parents' house on the evening of my birthday, April 30th. They were throwing a 30th bday picnic (family) for me the following day. My mom & dad were busy getting things ready for the picnic that they were having for my bday. They were both finally in the house at the same time and I told my mom that I wanted her to open her Mother's Day gift (a week early) before she was up to her elbows in something else...my dad almost left but I told him he had to stay. Mom opened the card and started crying (nothing in the card but a sappy little verse) and then she opened the frame and SCREAMED, CRIED & she and my dad made a Teri-Sandwich out of me. My dad cried and my mom sobbed, "This is the BEST MOTHER'S DAY PRESENT EVER"...it was awesome. When she got to the party, we told my little cousin Jenna (19) because she's our bud - she and Gregg always "pretend" they are Ron & Hermione from Harry Potter when we go camping (mainly just finding sticks & pretending they are stupifying each other, or quoting the movie, etc). Gregg asked Jenna if she wanted to be Aunt Jenna or Aunt Hermione - and her eyes got wide and she looked at me & I smiled and she got SO excited & screamed - she had to compose herself before we went back to the rest of the family. My mom showed the frame to the rest of the family after we had eaten & they happily passed it around & congratulated us on the wonderful (and long over-due!) news!

On Tuesday, May 11th, we had a great OB appointment with the heartbeat at 170bpm. The little sucker was in there moving all over the place - it even looked like it was waving at us!!!! The following weekend, we went to the shore with G's family for Mother's Day. Before we went out to breakfast, G gave his mom her Mother's Day gift. His mom was a little confused at first (or we were just confused at what she was asking us)! G's dad is a radiologist, so he looked at the date at the top & saw my name & knew right away what was going on & hugged me immediately. His mom started sobbing and couldn't figure out how we'd been keeping it a secret for so long! We told G's 2 younger sisters and they FLIPPED, then he called his oldest sister and her kids told her that she said Oh My God 21 times! LOL! We emailed the rest of G's brothers and sisters to tell them & we heard back from every single one of them within 12 hours!

We had our NT scan at the Maternal Fetal Medicine unit on the 28th (which was so cool!!). The ultrasound tech got all the measurements (which the doctor said looked normal, putting us at low risk for Downs or Trisomy 18) and then we officially "came out" on Facebook that afternoon! That.Was.Awesome!

And that brings us (finally!) to where we are now, 14 weeks. It's been an insanely long and nerve-racking journey, but we're just thrilled to finally have a chance to experience all of it. The good, the bad & the ugly. I go back to the OB on Tuesday (I'm anxious to hear the HB) and we don't have another ultrasound until the 19th of July (the "big" one)! Please keep us in your prayers!

Ten Things Tuesday

This week of Thanksgiving always reminds us that we have much to be thankful for...

10. I'm very thankful to have a job...while my boss sometimes frustrates me and the kids sometimes frustrate me and the pay ALWAYS frustrates me, I know that I have something that other people wish they had.

9. I'm thankful for my family - they are so supportive of all our endeavors and in every way they can be.

8. I am thankful for my health. Although the last few weeks have been rough (I've had a cough and haven't been able to hear due to fluid in my ears), I know that my struggles are trivial at best, when compared to the struggles people have daily.

7. I am thankful for my friends...both near, far, internet pals and real-life confidants. They've gotten me through some rough patches.

6. I am thankful for life. After our terrible accident, we see just how fragile it is.

5. I am thankful for my furbaby, Faithy. She keeps me company and shows me she loves me (and I think she knows I need that!!)

4. I'm thankful for our home. We did some painting over the weekend and it looks so awesome! I'm so thankful for all of G's hard work!

3. I'm thankful for my church...although we've only attended once since we did our IVF cycle, some friends from the church continue to reach out and pray for us. We're not in the best of places with God right now (and the holidays always make that harder), but I know this is just a season and our hearts are taking lots of time to heal.

2. I'm thankful that we're never in want of the things we need. While there's always more that we want, we certainly cannot complain!

1. Finally, I am thankful for G. He has been my rock over these past few months. When we had our miscarriage, I know that he was grieving too, but he was my constant and was so strong for the both of us! I thank God everyday for him!

Where do we go from here?

I officially started miscarrying last night. How do you pick up and move on when the one true shot you ever thought you had at being a mother is literally going down the toilet?

How do I keep going through the motions this week knowing full well that if I peed on a pregnancy test, "Pregnant" would still pop up before my eyes in a matter of seconds?

How do you get on with the rest of your life?

How do you have hope for the future?

How can you go on believing that there really is a God and that your life has any significance to Him when life's events blatantly point out that He could care less?

How could a God who supposedly loves us so much sit by and watch our hearts being broken and simply call it part of "His plan"?

How will I ever believe again that there is power in prayer when we literally had hundreds of people praying for us each and every step of the way, and for what? Breathing the ceremonial sigh of relief only to have the rug swiftly pulled out from under us.

How can I have faith that our last chance at ever becoming biological parents (at least for one of us) will actually work?

How long will it take for me to get through a day without crying and thinking about what could have been, what should have been?

Why do I get no comfort in knowing that I now have TWO angel-babies in heaven instead of here with me?

Torturing myself

This week has, in my opinion, been far more torturous than all the previous weeks in this IVF cycle combined. The week after the retrieval was kind of aggravating, but I knew the wait was worth it so that we could transfer the embryos that were the "best of the best." The week after transfer was annoying as I analyzed every little twist and turn I made with my body, wondering "Did I just lift something too heavy or make a turn that could harm a possible baby, or (fill in the blank)?"

This week, however is just plain torturous. Knowing that I'm pregnant, but not experiencing any symptoms has been absolutely driving me insane. Every time I feel the slightest bit of wetness in my underwear, I'm rushing to the bathroom to make sure it's not blood. Every time my bbs stop hurting for part of the day, I convince myself that I'm no longer pregnant (like I'm doing right now). To be perfectly honest, I had been feeling more symptoms (maybe they were all psychosomatic?) early on than I do now. I swore I was having indigestion, bloatiness, crampiness, sore bbs & mild nausea, but honestly I'm feeling fine. No fatigue. No morning sickness. No ANYTHING...

What will I do tomorrow if we get to the u/s and there's NOTHING there? THIS is what infertility has done to me...

Your Thoughts?

As I'm sure you realize, we are far from being out-of-the woods, as far as this baby (or these babies) are concerned. I'm feeling great & so far, have no symptoms (I think I should be considered 4w5d today) & our 1st u/s is scheduled for Tuesday to see what we can see in there. We're VERY excited, but VERY cautiously optimistic at the same time.

But, regardless of what happens, I need some input from my readers concerning the direction you would like to see this blog take now, particularly those of you who are still in the trenches of infertility. Of course the name of the blog will not change, as I will always remain infertile; however I also remember what it feels like to be one of the ones who is "left behind." I remember how much it hurt and how I felt so certain that my dream to be a mommy would never be realized and I would forever be left behind. I couldn't live with myself knowing that this blog has made someone (especially another infertile) hurt and feel the same way.

At the same time, however, I know that when I was hurting, I did take comfort in knowing that even though these women had struggled and hurt just like I did, they somehow found joy again and eventually saw their dreams come to fruition. Whether it be through adoption like my bloggy buddy Melissa, or adoption & then a surprise pregnancy like my buddy Missy, and the countless other blogs (miracle stories) I follow in my sidebar and in my profile, I have learned that there are many roads that could lead you to the end of your journey.

So here is where I need your help. Where would you like this blog to go? Obviously, I'm not going to be spouting off about my woes of pg symptoms (because I remember how many times I saw other girls complaining and I thought about how I'd give my right arm for their morning sickness and round-ligament pain), but I also know the reality that it would be very hard not to talk about a pregnancy at all...and I don't want to lose any of you as readers, so I would greatly appreciate an email or comments about the new path that this blog will take.

Thank you for your continued prayers!

Negativity is creeping in

I think there comes a point when no matter how much hope you have, negativity and doubt will always find a way to creep on in. That's where we sit now. 3dp6dt (IVF lingo for 3 days past our day 6 transfer) and feeling nothing...not that I necessarily should be...but I can't help but be anxious, nervous and scared for what lies ahead. Please be relentless in your prayers...

Transfer day

Today was our transfer day & everything went smoothly (minus my over-full bladder that I had to go partially empty - yeah, that was fun!). We transferred two beautiful embies & we've got 2 put away to freeze. We were kind of disappointed that there were only two embies left to freeze, but we keep telling ourselves that waiting until day 6 has weeded out any that wouldn't have survived the freeze/thaw process anyway, so we're saving "the creme of the crop!"

We've decided that we're not sharing the date of the beta with anyone at this time. With infertility, after sharing your hoo-ha with everyone and their brother, there is so little that is sacred, secret or special. Just rest assured that we will keep you all posted when we're ready to share the news (good or bad)!

Without further ado, here are the stars of the show...embies #16 & 19

Transfer time!

The moment we've all been waiting for! We got the call this morning to tell us that transfer day will be TOMORROW (Sunday), making it a day-6 transfer! I'll be honest and say that I was really hoping it would be today (so my babies could be with ME instead of in a petri-dish in a lab), but I trust that the embryologists make these decisions to the fullest of their ability, so I won't second guess that tomorrow is the right choice for us.

I'll try and check back in tomorrow from my self-imposed state of bed-riddenness (for a day). I'm sure I'll have my laptop by the bedside if anyone wants to drop me a note or words of encouragement (*wink, wink, nudge, nudge*)! I truly have the best bloggy buddies!

No news...

For once, I can actually say that this time around, no news is good news! Yesterday morning, we got the call that we had been pushed out to have a day 5 (or possibly day 6) transfer! Basically, that meant that on day 3, our embies were still dividing (some taper off by this point, or at times, there aren't enough viable ones to warrant waiting an extra two days to transfer the best ones). Being pushed out to day 5 allows the embryologists to determine which ones are really the "rock star embryos" (aka better quality), which would have a greater chance of becoming a viable pregnancy. Sooooo, in other words, we wait...they'll call me tomorrow morning sometime to let us know if we need to come in tomorrow afternoon or if we wait until Sunday.

It's been kind of annoying to wait since MONDAY, but I know that this is the good kind of waiting, so I'm trying to be patient. I went to work in my classroom a couple of times to keep myself occupied. I set up all my bulletin boards (maybe I'll post some pics soon) since it wouldn't be such a great idea to stand up on chairs and tables in the next two weeks. I've also been catching up on some housework. I vacuumed & mopped & cleaned all of the bedding...AND I got 5 lesson plans done for my grad class (moms of preschoolers/kindergartners, or teachers, leave me a comment if you want me to send you the lessons for fun game ideas!)! See? I can be productive when I want to!

I also made Candi's spaetzle to go with dinner (leftovers) tonight & it was awesome! I could have eaten the whole bowl & between the two of us, we almost did! Check it out! Yum!

Keep those prayers rolling in! I'll keep you posted!

Fertilization report is IN!

Sorry to keep you all waiting...

You're never going to believe this...

Of the 36 eggs retrieved, 30 were mature!!! Of the 30 mature eggs, they did ICSI on all of them and......


ALL 30 fertilized! We now have 30 embryos waiting for us in a petri dish!!

I cried, Becki cried, DH almost cried...it's a great day! I go for b/w & u/s tomorrow, but I won't get official word on when transfer will be until Thursday morning. My guess is that we're looking at a day 5-6 (Saturday/Sunday) transfer!

KEEP THOSE PRAYERS COMING! THEY WORK WONDERS!

Monday is THE DAY!

We just got a call from the nurse that Monday is THE DAY (THE DAY, being egg retrieval day!). We couldn't be more excited! B texted me this morning saying that at her ultrasound today, they found 20 on the left and 12 on the right, with about 12 at 15mm or greater (mature). She will take her trigger shot tonight & retrieval will take place at 10:30 Monday morning!!!!!! Please pray & tell everyone you know to pray! More updates to follow!

MPM and IVF w/ DE update!

Hey! We're back from the whirlwind weekend of wedding duties (so much fun! pictures to come!) and 3 softball games for G yesterday! His team won the church league championship, so that was quite exciting...and the victory was especially sweet because they beat the one team in the league who consistently shows bad attitudes and tries to cheat every year (yes, this is church softball and no, I am not kidding!)

It's been a while since I've done an MPM, so I thought I would get back into it this week... I love having my menu all set out ahead of time, but we've been in and out of the house so much lately that it's been hard to get it all pulled together...so without further ado, here is this week's menu plan!
Monday - Meatloaf, baked potatoes & fresh green beans (recipe below)
I'll also be making my famous Buffalo Chicken Dip tonight for G to take as a snack at his grad class tomorrow!
Tuesday - Sticky coconut chicken & rice
Wednesday - Easy Chicken Enchiladas
Thursday - Pot Roast & veggies in the crock pot
Friday - Vegetable soup (made from leftover pot roast)
Saturday - homemade stromboli

As for our IVF cycle, I've been on Lupron (aka Loopy Lupron) for just over a week now & it truly is making me crazy! Yesterday, on the way home from my parents' house, I felt so nervous/anxious the whole time & started crying at random (and non-emotion-evoking songs) on the radio. I truly am going nuts. Thankfully, I had an ultrasound & bloodwork this morning & am now advised to knock my dosage back from 20 units to 5 & also to start my estrace! My donor (B) goes for her first ultrasound on Friday & then should be good to go to start her stims!!!!! G & I also have bloodwork on Friday (and I have an ultrasound as well) & then a meeting with the lawyer to pick up our paperwork/contract for B to sign.
Afterwards, we think we're going to treat ourselves to breakfast/brunch & a matinee of the new Harry Potter movie!!! Please continue to pray! It means the world to us!!

The Best Meatloaf You'll Ever Taste:
2 lb ground beef
1 packet Lipton onion soup mix
1 cup bread crumbs/oatmeal/cracker crumbs (any combination will work great!)
2 eggs
2 tsp. salt
1/2 c milk
1 small onion chopped fine
1 T ketchup

Combine all ingredients & shape into a loaf in a loaf pan or in a casserole dish with a drip pan. Smear a bit of extra ketchup over the top. Bake at 350 for 1.5 hr. Let rest 5-10 minutes before cutting!

We have officially begun!

As of Sunday, our IVF w/ DE cycle has officially started! I began my injections of Lupron & today will be my last day taking the BCP (thank goodness because I'm breaking out and gaining weight something AWFUL!). B starts her Lupron today & goes next week for her first (baseline) ultrasound. I will also be going for an ultrasound on Monday & then G & I have to go for some bloodwork next Friday.

As everything comes together, I keep getting more and more nervous...I've been through this whole process three times before and each and every time just brought more heartache and disappointment. Even with B's infectious enthusiasm and optimism, I am still having a hard time being positive and upbeat. I have been telling myself (in the months leading up to this) that I would keep an optimistic attitude and only focus on the positives...but, well...if you've been through the whole she-bang before, you know that it's really difficult to do. You know how much is riding on the success of the procedure, but you're also acutely aware of the statistics. And I don't even have to make mention of the fact that if this doesn't work, we will no longer have any money left in our pockets to even think about starting to adopt...

So that's where I am right now...wanting so badly to be optimistic, but still aware of that nagging sense of doubt that always manages to creep in. I continue to pray each day that this would be our time and things would finally start to go our way. I'll keep the updates coming!

American Idol: Top 4

Tonight's theme: Rock & Roll

1. Adam - Whole Lotta Love - this style is definitely his genre (haven't I been saying he's like an Axl Rose??), even though he has done well with each new obstacle - and even though I do actually enjoy his scaled-back ballads, as well. He is absolutely meant to be a rocker. Theatrical, yes, but that's what being a performer is about (especially in the rock/metal genre). Hubby said that Kara must have been taking some Paula pills tonight - she was practically having an O in her chair.

2. Allison - Cry Baby - I'll preface this by saying that I am very anti-Janis Joplin, so hopefully she can make me like it - the good news is that I couldn't tell it was a JJ song anymore. I thought she sounded great and this was actually one of her better performances in my opinion, but still can't compete with the boys, IMO. She's definitely a rocker, as well.

3. Danny - Dream On - This is a really interesting/crazy song choice for Danny because he is SO NOT the rocker - I am a little scared about this one...ok, a LOT scared. I liked the soft & sweet part at the beginning (but it was a little pitchy)...is he going to scream it out like Steven Tyler???? Yes, he did...I think he just might get pulled through the wringer for that one. Definitely a tough song to sing & I'm not so sure he should have tried for the big finish, but if he's gonna go out, I guess go out with style...

4. Kris - Come Together - I love the Beatles & I think this is an ok song choice for Kris (despite the fact that he's not a "rocker" per se), but I'm worried that it isn't enough of a "musical" piece to really show what he can do. The song tends to hover over the same few notes. I think he sounded good & made the best of it. I really liked him playing the guitar. We commented that he doesn't seem like himself this week.

Duets
1. Adam & Allison - Slow Ride - great song for two great rockers! That was really great and they are absolutely veteran performers...the only thing I'll comment about is their outfits...I hate what Allison wears and Adam's pants make him look like he's in the circus!

2. Danny & Kris - Renegade - the harmonies were amazing!!! It's very obvious (looks-wise) that Danny is not a rocker, but his voice actually matched that song really well & I thought he actually did better than Kris who ended up being a bit pitchy in spots. Really nice performance!

Bottom 2: Allison & Kris! (but really anyone's guess!)!
Going Home: Allison

PS - please make sure you check out my other post from earlier today! Major prayers are needed!

Real life

It isn't often that I blog about real life...I mean real, honest-to-goodness, knock you flat on your butt life...like today.

I found out on Saturday that one of my students from my first kindergarten class (now in 6th grade) suddenly came down with bad flu symptoms last Tuesday. They couldn't pinpoint her problem, but by Saturday, they determined that she needed a liver transplant. Today, I found out that she is not doing well at all due to an infection that has spread. They cannot operate on her while she has the infection. She remains on full life support and the prognosis does not look good.

I am simply beside myself. She was such a sweet girl in kindergarten. She and her twin sister (both in my class) were so kind and helpful & always smiling. If she doesn't make it, she will be the second student from that same class to have passed away (the other was a boy 2 summers ago, who was killed in a car accident)...and that just isn't fair!

It just completely breaks my heart, yet there's nothing I can do but pray...so please, pray! Pass this on to anyone you know that is the praying type...or even if they aren't the praying type. Positive thoughts never hurt anyone.

No news isn't always good news

No news isn't always good news...especially in the case of searching for an egg donor. It's been almost two full weeks since our initial mention of a donor was made in our church bulletin, and one week since the e-message went out & we haven't heard anything. I realize that this is a matter that isn't to be taken lightly & therefore requires a great deal of thought & prayer on the part of everyone involved...but man, I'm just so tired of all this waiting. And wondering. And worrying.

Worrying that we might not end up finding a volunteer to donate eggs for us. Worrying that if we don't find someone, we very well could shell out $6-8K for a donor...money that otherwise could be used toward an adoption. I mean, there are definitely pros to that avenue, as well (like the fact that we could choose a donor who looks like me & has similar body structures & features as us), but it all comes back to the money thing. How much is the pregnancy experience worth to me, exactly? In non-monetary terms, it's worth more to me than just about anything else, to be perfectly honest. If money were not an obstacle, we would have been at an agency yesterday...two months ago actually. But this is the real world. And money is a factor, unfortunately. I have to start making decisions that no woman should ever have to make. Do I want to be selfish with my desire to be a mother the way that I want to and shell out lots of money & possibly not end up with a pregnancy anyway? Or do I be "sensible" and take the path that my head would lead me on, which is to put my selfish desires aside & put the money towards an adoption. Let's be honest...following our heads isn't always the "right" choice either. So we continue to hope & pray (and even though I shouldn't, we worry).

Work continues to be work. However, my 3s are getting better each day and M has really started to show emotion and interaction with others (mostly adults, more so than with classmates). Today, he actually got up and hugged the man who was helping out in my classroom (the after-school supervisor) & then said, "Wait! I forgot to kiss you!" and he planted a kiss right on his shoulder! Wow! That was a HUGE WOW! And Tuesday at gym class, he just looks at me with this sweet twinkle in his eye, places his hand on my shoulder and says, "I like you..." Ok does that just melt your heart or what?

And today, it was so darn cute...we were watching a power point slide show that I made for the letter Rr. It was Rr Animal Riddles. I would give clues (and sometimes animal sounds) on the power point and try to get the kids to guess the animal. The one was really stumping them, which said: "I have a beak and feathers, I live in a nest, I am usually the first bird that you see in the spring, I have a red chest." Everyone was pretty stumped, so I was trying to think of some clues for them (if you work with kids, you know that bird classification is not really in the scope of skills for a 3 yr old...pretty much anything that flies is a "bird"). Finally, I thought about one of my student's whose mom's name is Robyn. I said, "Hey Noah! What's your Mom's name?" and he just sat and thought for a minute. Then I said, "You know, what's her real name? What does your Daddy call your Mommy?" And he thought for another second, "Ummmm, Honey?"

There you have it! Too, too cute!

Please pray!

The new look & some random stuff

Sooooo....how do you like the new look? I LOVE it and I'm totally in awe of Erin's bloggy design awesomeness! There's still time to get in on her 50% off special! Scroll down to the bottom of my sidebar to find the link to her site!

And I figured I would throw in a very late MPM for good measure.

Monday - meatball subs with homemade meatballs
Tuesday - homemade stromboli (yes, I realize we had this last week, but DH requested it again...who am I to deny him of an easy meal??)
Wednesday - family night w/ in-laws
Thursday - chicken in a pot (crockpot recipe) which is very similar to the recipe I've linked up to (except mine just uses a few cloves of garlic under the skin & you get the same effect). Make sure you add some paprika and onion powder to the mixture & slather it all over and inside the chicken!)
Friday - DH will be at a basketball game, so I'll probably be on my own
Saturday - food at DH's football banquet
Sunday - SUPERBOWL PARTY (GO STEELERS!) I'm making buffalo chicken dip!

Last week's Sweet & Sour Chicken was a HUGE hit w/ DH. He even suggested I make it when his family comes for dinner some night. It was kind of messy & I used more egg than it called for, but the end result was worth it...and the hour in the oven gave me plenty of time to clean up my mess.

And on a very serious note, will you all please pray for my friend Kelli? She's pregnant through an FET after 2 previous miscarriages both around 9 weeks. Please send up some sticky vibes for she & her hubby!