Wait!: Two songs!

I'm just about ready to wrap up my (forever-and-a-day long) series on waiting in times of struggle. I wanted to share the lyrics to two songs with you that have really touched me & spoken to me throughout this IF journey. Read them. Mull them over. Take them in. They give me goosebumps.

The first is a hymn written in 1752 by a woman named Katharina von Schlege...it just goes to show you that God's messages are timeless...

"Be Still My Soul"

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to your God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: your best, your heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: your God will undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Your hope, your confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds shall know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

And this one is a bit less enduring, I'm sure, but meaningful nonetheless...it's "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus (I know, I know...it really is an amazing song).

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head sayin,
You’ll never reach it,
Every step I’m taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing,
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes they might knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on,
cause

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Somebody's you're going to have to lose,
Ain’t about how fast I get there,
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

Wait: Lesson #5 (God's Timing is Perfect)

The last formal lesson in the wait series (I have a couple devotionals that I've written as well as some lyrics to some old hymns that I think are really relevant) is pretty short, sweet & to the point...although we don't always understand it or agree, there is a reason that we are where we are right now & God will continue to use our situations, troubles and struggles for His glory and in His time.

"Good people suffer many troubles, but the Lord saves them from them all." ~Psalm 34:19

• It is reassuring to know that we are not alone and our current struggles are certainly not meant to be viewed as punishment for past mistakes (although I will be the first to say that I am guilty of this mind-set...). There is no way to know WHY we are given these struggles, but the encouraging part is that our pain will not last forever. Someday, somehow, somewhere, the Lord will save us from our heartache.
  

"We know that in all things, God works for good with those who love him, those whom he has called according to his purpose." ~Romans 8:28

• What it basically comes down to is that without our struggles and troubles, we would have no need for God in our lives...sure, we would still probably thank Him daily for our blessings and go through the motions that "good Christians" do, but would we really be growing? In our church,we just finished up a bible study based on John Ortberg's "The Life You've Always Wanted." In one of the lessons, John mentioned how he once surveyed the members of his church and discovered (not surprisingly) that most of his churchgoers indicated that the greatest periods of spiritual growth in their lives happened during & immediately after times of hardship and great struggle! I know it doesn't make it any easier when you're right in the thick of it and down in the dumps, but hopefully we can take comfort in the fact that we continue to be God's work-in-progress.
  

Wait: Lesson #4 (Reliquish it to God)

Today's lesson is the 4th in a 5-part series on waiting through tough times, based on a speech my friend Kelli gave. I've added a couple of my own lessons throughout! If this is your first time here, please check out the older posts & don't forget to let me know what your thoughts are!

"My Father, if it is possible, take this cup of suffering from me! Yet not what I want, but what you want." ~Matthew 26:39

• I love the redundancy of this verse & how much it rings true to human nature. I mean, how often do we say, 'Lord, please give me x, y, & z....but only if it is your will.' And we all know that in our heads and hearts, we're screaming..."PLEASE! Let it be your will!" as though our pitiful pleadings could really sway the divine plan. The purpose of this verse, however, is not to give reassurance that God will take your pain away (hear me out on this one...), but rather that He can't take it away until you've really let go of the pain and fully thrust it all into God's hands...which, I know, is hard to do...especially in things like infertility where you already have so little control. You're almost begging for one tiny thread of something that you can claim ownership to, but that is what we are called to do.
  

"Father,' he said, 'if you will, take this cup of suffering away from me. Not my will, however, but your will be done.' And an angel from heaven appeared to him and strengthened him." ~Luke 22:42-43

• Although we're not literally seeing angels from heaven in our times of struggle (although DH thinks that Becki, our egg donor, is some form of an angel), I do believe that God sends people into our lives (at just the right time!) to help us through the hurt and pain. That person may be a parent, a sibling, a spouse, a new friend at a support group, a pastor, bloggy buddies, or message board friends who live thousands of miles away! The important thing to remember is that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! There is always someone out there who has been where you've been and understands your pain.

"But I will bless the person who puts his trust in me. He is like a tree growing near a stream and sending out roots to the water. It is not afraid when hot weather comes, because its leaves stay green; it has no worries when there is no rain; it keeps on bearing fruit." ~Jeremiah 17:7-8

• Honestly, for me, this step (Relinquish it to God) is the hardest for me to accept/enact. In reality, of course, it makes perfect sense: Take your mess of a life, package the meager remains up & give them to God to work his magic on. But it is so much easier said than done. In your head, you're crying out, "But God, I am a Christian woman and I feel like I've been handing this whole situation over to you all along through my daily prayers, my devotions, my confessions, my ministries, my worship!," but I also think that the more time you spend in prayer and in communion with God, the more you realize all that you've been clinging to...like that tree by the stream, the closer it is to the water, the less it worries about the dangers of the hot weather. Similarly, the closer we are to God, the less we worry about the outcome of life's disasters.

"To have faith is to be sure of the things we hope for, to be certain of the things we cannot see." ~Hebrews 11:1

• I can be sure that I'll be a mommy someday (somehow, some way); I am certain that the Lord is always close by, especially when we are hurting. Reach out to Him today!
  

Wait: Lesson #3 (God will give you the strength you need)

I'm going to try to finish the series on "Wait!" up before Easter, but I make no promises, as this is an extremely busy time for us...teaching at Christian preschool means that things are busier than normal this time of year, plus we've been helping out on the set crew for the musical at DH's school, which is next weekend. Without further ado...here is lesson 3.

Lesson 3 - God will give you the strength that you need.
"If God brings you to it, God will bring you through it." This is probably another one of those quotes that people going through tough times are tired of hearing. I know I've probably rolled my eyes at it myself a time or two (or eight). But since it's often easier to hear those words straight from the maker, let's see what God says about all of this...

"If you think you are standing firm, you had better be careful that you do not fall. Every test that you have experienced is the kind that normally comes to people. But God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, he will give you the strength to endure it." ~1 Corinthians 10:12-13

• The reassurance that I gain from these verses is that everyone endures trials and hardships. So, while I realize that everyone out there isn't infertile & therefore can't understand the depth and breadth of your pain, it can safely be said that you can't understand all of their hardships either. You know how the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence? Well that sort of applies here...Everyone out there has their share of struggles (some people are just better at hiding them than others)...and while I can't always understand what someone else is going through, I like to think that my struggles can help me be more empathetic toward them.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." ~Philippians 4:13

• I'll be the first to admit that I've struggled with this verse from time to time. I know that I interpret it way too literally and say 'of course I can't do all things! I certainly can't will myself to have a baby now, can I?' - but I realize that I'm being ridiculous & that this verse is meant for encouragement over the long haul...no, I can't will myself to have a baby, but I can continue to pray, hope and find strength in God while I'm waiting...and considering the depths I've come from over the past few years, wallowing in my own self pity about not being able to have a baby, I would say that God's strength has definitely helped me to accomplish a great deal of His plan for my life.

"Three times I prayed to the Lord about this and asked him to take it away. But his answer was: 'My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak.' I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~2 Corinthians 12:8, 10

• It's really quite the oxymoron to envision being strong when we are weak...but when we remember that we are temples of God, then we can understand that when we are weakened physically, emptied of everything that we have, only then can God fully take over and carry us through by His strength.

Your challenge this week is to surrender your hurts to God and ask him to take over and carry your load where you know that you cannot.

Wait: Lesson #2 (God is in Control)

**Please read the whole way to the end for follow-up comments on lesson 1 & these lessons as a whole!

Lesson #2 - God Knows What He is Doing. He is in Control

• I often find it hard to admit to myself that God has even remembered who I am, let alone that he's actually orchestrating the plans of my life on a daily basis. I am reminded that God does not always give us our sufferings (Satan is always in the mix where pain and struggle are concerned), but He does hurt when we hurt and it does pain him to see us suffering. It makes it easy to wonder why He doesn't just take away this hurt and pain, which we know he does have the power to do....it makes it easy to question or challenge God and scream out in anguish against our burdens, just as Job did (see God's response to him below).
  

"Who are you to question my wisdom? Were you there when I made the world? Who closed the gates to hold back the sea when it burst from the womb of the earth? Have you ever in all your life commanded a day to dawn? Has anyone ever shown you the gates that guard the dark world of the dead?" ~Job 38:2, 4, 8, 12, 17

• When I get angry with God and begin to cry out in anger and frustration, I read passages like this and I struggle in some ways. On the one hand, I feel so small and insignificant...why would the God who commands each day to dawn care about me moaning and complaining that I can't have a baby? or that I am unhappy at work? or that life isn't really turning out the way I had hoped? But then I take some comfort in knowing that no matter how insignificant I feel, God does in fact care about my struggles...it's just that in my imperfect human perspective, I have trouble understanding (and accepting) that His plans are not my plans & I'm not in the driver's seat, as this world would like me to believe (see below).

"I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for." ~Jeremiah 29:11

• Sometimes my life does, in fact, feel like a disaster. I'm almost 30 years old, no baby, no good-paying job, no extraordinary gifts or talents, nothing to really be known for...and I struggle with that a lot. A LOT. I find myself being so intensely over-critical of myself that every flaw is magnified 100x & everyone else's good traits are inflated accordingly...in essence, I can see everyone else's "good life" and find myself begrudging my own...and it's a tough predicament to get out of, considering my life circumstances aren't really changing (and haven't for the past 4 years)....BUT I do put my hope in the Lord. I know that my timing is not His timing. My plans are not His plans. The path I would like to take isn't necessarily the one that He's leading me on. And I'm learning to trust. I'm hopeful that somewhere, somehow, someday along this journey, He will bring about the future that I hope for.
  

**After re-reading my last post, as well as some of the comments, I feel the need to note that these 5 lessons are in no way meant to make you feel guilty if you aren't living by them in your daily life. I certainly do not want any of my readers to think that I'm never bitter over my infertility struggles (check out some of my posts from 2006-2007 for proof of that) or that it's so easy for me to hand over control of my life's situations to God...because it's NOT! It's absolutely a daily struggle, and quite honestly...it sucks. I will never be able to look back and honestly say that this season in my life was a blessing in a horrific disguise or that I will know what God was trying to teach me through all of this, but I am learning to trust & that's a really hard thing for me to do. I hope you'll be back for more...

Wait: Lesson #1 (bitter or better?)

Over the next 5 (IF-related) blog posts, I hope to help provide you with 5 Lessons for Dealing with Difficult Situations, which are all based upon my friend Kelli's speech/sermon, which she presented at our church back in January. The numbered lessons (1-5) are hers, but I hope to go into a bit of depth and add my own insight, so I guess you could say it's a joint effort! And don't worry, I got her enthusiastic approval before beginning this venture!

Lesson#1 - You can become bitter or better.

• First of all - WOW! I can remember times when just reading that line would have sent me into a tailspin (bitter??? Don't I have a RIGHT to be bitter??), but honestly...I can look back and say it's the honest-to-goodness truth. Everyday we have a choice. We can choose to be bitter and sulk & have an eternal pity party, or we can do our best to suck it up and accept where we are today. The here-and-now (and how we deal with it) makes us the person that we are; the person that others see. Do you want them to know you as "that bitter infertile woman," or "the woman who counts her blessings each day, hopeful that better days are just around the bend?" (see the quote below)
  

"A person's character is determined not by how they act when life is going their way, but by how they act when life is NOT going their way." ~Author Unknown

• This quote made me think of that old saying about how people are like tea bags...you never realize their true strength and purpose until they're in a bit of hot water...how true is that? If God never put us under a little pressure, our lives would be perfect & then we'd have no need for Him...and yes, I know, sometimes it seems as though we've been burned by that scalding hot water, but you know what? We're still alive to tell about it & that says something about who we are and the people that God continues to transform us into.

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." ~Psalm 71:20

• The good news is: God promises there is always light at the end of the tunnel...we are not the first people to see hard times and struggle, nor will we be the last. The bible details many stories of hardship, loss and struggle, but no matter how low your lowest depth may reach, God promises that He will bring you back up.

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." ~Romans 5:3-4

• Rejoice in our sufferings? There's a new one! How can I possibly rejoice in suffering? I mean, I could see being numb or indifferent...and I'll even give you pseudo-pleasant...but rejoice? I'm not so sure I can do that, God. But I will tell you, that after all this time, I can honestly say that I can see how God has used me and grown me over these past four years. I know that I will be a better parent and I will not take as much for granted (of course, you can ask me that hopefully in a few months when I have morning sickness & it might be a different story, but I digress!). I have seen, first hand, the good parents and the bad & I admit that I now have a clearer picture of the life that I want my child to have & the boundaries that I (we) plan to set. So in a way, I can see how this suffering can lead to rejoicing (even if I can't always rejoice in the midst).

"Why am I so sad? Why am I so troubled? I will put my hope in God, and once again I will praise him, my savior and my God." ~Psalm 42:11

• Although the change is not an immediate one, this verse gives us an assurance that if we are believers and put our hope in God, our strength will be renewed and we will once again praise Him. It's good to know that we can take a little time for our pity party, but it should not last.

So we have two choices in this fight...we can surrender to the devil and become bitter, or we can rejoice (???) in our sufferings and become a better, stronger & more faithful follower because of them. Which choice will you make today?

Waiting...when no one understands

It's amazing how many sayings there are in our language about waiting and patience...
You know, "Good things come to those who wait!," & "Patience is a virtue," or (according to Tom Petty), "the waiting is the hardest part." And I don't know about you, but anyone who says something like this to someone in pain or struggle has obviously never had major unrealized dreams in their own lives...because these adages are JUST.SO.PATRONIZING! They honestly serve no other purpose than to give the person something to say when they just don't know what to say...and I get that, I really do. It's human nature to want to offer something more than just that longing, sympathetic look to someone who is hurting...and honestly, over the years, I've learned to brush off those comments, but I know it isn't that easy for other women.

So the question is, what can we do about it? I guess in the heat of the moment, there's probably not much we can do except smile and grit our teeth...but that only leaves them feeling better about themselves and us feeling worse. And while I hate to play the victim here, aren't we already the ones that are hurting?

I think that the key to preventing future moments like this is through education. That's why I circulate my copies of the "Stepping Stones" newsletter to all of my family who knows we're having trouble TTC. Can you send your family a link to your favorite IF discussion boards or blogs? Can you give them books that deal with the emotional, physical, spiritual and psychological effects of infertility? Can you create your own infertility blog that you can send out to your family & friends? If nothing else, all of these avenues open up the board for a discussion & help your loved ones to realize the hurt and pain that are hidden behind your somewhat-pleasant facade (because we all know we put on that happy face most of the time)...I think in many cases, most people don't understand the depth of an infertile couple's pain, which reaches far beyond the mere fact that you are unable to have a child (the good old-fashioned way, like 83% of all couples), but rather completely changes you spiritually, relationally & mentally. I know for myself, the toughest pill to swallow has been nearing my 29th birthday & having people harp on me that I'm "still so young" but consciously realizing that my life is not shaping up the way that I had thought/hoped that it would (in the dream where I was 30 with two kids or at least the 2nd on the way).

So make it your goal today to educate one of your loved ones about your inner hurt and pain. You don't have to lay your whole heart out on the table...just send along your infertility articles & newsletters, or even a link to this post to let them know how you feel. And maybe, just maybe, over time, we can replace those nagging old sayings with uplifting ones like these...

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." ~Isaiah 40:31

"May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

Now that we've focused on helping those around us help us to deal with patience in times of struggle, it's on to the REAL meat of this series...how we can help ourselves to deal in these trying times. Over the next 5 posts, I'll expound on my friend Kelli's 5 points for waiting through the struggle. I hope you'll come back to join us!

Wait: a poem

This poem is by an unknown author (if you know it, please let me know and I will be sure to cite him/her). My friend Kelli used this as the opening to her sermon on patience through struggles & I thought it was perfect to begin my series, as well!

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait!"

"Wait?, you say, wait!" my indignant reply.
Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By FAITH I have asked, and am claiming your Word

My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes,' a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

And Lord, you promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
"I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And I grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel and His eyes wept with mine
And he tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want - but you wouldn't know ME!"

"You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in me
When darkness and silence were all you could see."

"You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of my Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save...(for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of my heart."

"The glow of my comfort late into the night.
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST."

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved ones overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss! if I lost what I'm doing in you!"

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
THAT THE GREATEST OF GIFTS IS TO GET TO KNOW ME!
And though of may my answers seem terribly late,
My wisest of answers is still but to WAIT."

Coming soon...WAIT!

I know I've been scarce this past week, but honestly, I haven't felt that I've had anything of worth to share with you...until now! I recently attended a seminar by one of my real-life friends, Kelli. She's struggled with infertility for 5+ years and is currently pregnant with twins!! She wrote and delivered a speech on patience through tough times. The sermon is entitled "Wait." Over the next few posts, I plan to deliver that message to all of my lovely readers, along with a few devotionals on patience that I wrote myself...if you know anyone that could use a message on patience through struggles, please pass my blog onto them! I would love to get some more readers listed on my followers (and I know that would motivate me to post more often). And if you ARE a follower, please don't lurk! I love to hear your comments!

In other exciting news, G & I met with my middle school friend, B over the weekend. She's the one who heard through the grapevine (where the internet/facebook/blogosphere & real life collide) that we're looking for an egg donor so that we can be a part of our IVF study. Up until Saturday, we had only been sending messages via facebook, but I wanted she and G to meet and I knew that I needed to catch myself up to speed on her life & catch her up to speed on the whole IVF/donor process. We met at a cute little (and delicious) restaurant for lunch and chatted about anything and everything...but mostly about her amazing generosity. There were times when I almost succumbed to the tears of joy that wanted to come out, but I kept my cool. It was just amazing to see how head-over-heels excited she is about this opportunity to give to someone in need. She said that she almost feels selfish and greedy doing this because it is something that she wants to do so badly. Her enthusiasm and optimism were so infectious that G & I left the restaurant aglow and hand-in-hand.

But, being cautious (okay, pessimistic) as we are, we aren't ready to get our hopes up just yet...see there's this person called a doctor...and he kind of has to approve our donor candidate first. And since she struggled with infertility herself (even though it wasn't related to eggs), we aren't ready to plunge into the sea of emotions just yet. B was diagnosed with endo at age 16...endo so severe that her doctors told her that she would never be able to have children. Way to turn someone into an adult, PDQ, huh? So after several molar pregnancies and miscarriages, they miraculously gave birth to their miracle little girl who is now almost 9 years old...after her birth, B had to have a partial hysterectomy due to the endo...so they removed her uterus, but her ovaries are still present and I'm told fully functioning! So in all reality, there should be no issue since her uterus is what prevented her pregnancies, not her eggs...

Wow, this all just seems so surreal. If someone had told me a year ago (whilst in the midst of our IVF cycle) that in a year, we would be a) trying for our 4th attempt at IVF, b) as part of a study, c) using a middle-school friend's eggs, whom I haven't spoken to in 15 years, I would have told you that you were insane...I mean, only real life (or lifetime movies) could write story lines like this...of course, with a little help from you-know-who...