Wait: Lesson #3 (God will give you the strength you need)

I'm going to try to finish the series on "Wait!" up before Easter, but I make no promises, as this is an extremely busy time for us...teaching at Christian preschool means that things are busier than normal this time of year, plus we've been helping out on the set crew for the musical at DH's school, which is next weekend. Without further ado...here is lesson 3.

Lesson 3 - God will give you the strength that you need.
"If God brings you to it, God will bring you through it." This is probably another one of those quotes that people going through tough times are tired of hearing. I know I've probably rolled my eyes at it myself a time or two (or eight). But since it's often easier to hear those words straight from the maker, let's see what God says about all of this...

"If you think you are standing firm, you had better be careful that you do not fall. Every test that you have experienced is the kind that normally comes to people. But God keeps his promise, and he will not allow you to be tested beyond your power to remain firm; at the time you are put to the test, he will give you the strength to endure it." ~1 Corinthians 10:12-13

• The reassurance that I gain from these verses is that everyone endures trials and hardships. So, while I realize that everyone out there isn't infertile & therefore can't understand the depth and breadth of your pain, it can safely be said that you can't understand all of their hardships either. You know how the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence? Well that sort of applies here...Everyone out there has their share of struggles (some people are just better at hiding them than others)...and while I can't always understand what someone else is going through, I like to think that my struggles can help me be more empathetic toward them.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." ~Philippians 4:13

• I'll be the first to admit that I've struggled with this verse from time to time. I know that I interpret it way too literally and say 'of course I can't do all things! I certainly can't will myself to have a baby now, can I?' - but I realize that I'm being ridiculous & that this verse is meant for encouragement over the long haul...no, I can't will myself to have a baby, but I can continue to pray, hope and find strength in God while I'm waiting...and considering the depths I've come from over the past few years, wallowing in my own self pity about not being able to have a baby, I would say that God's strength has definitely helped me to accomplish a great deal of His plan for my life.

"Three times I prayed to the Lord about this and asked him to take it away. But his answer was: 'My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak.' I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and difficulties for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." ~2 Corinthians 12:8, 10

• It's really quite the oxymoron to envision being strong when we are weak...but when we remember that we are temples of God, then we can understand that when we are weakened physically, emptied of everything that we have, only then can God fully take over and carry us through by His strength.

Your challenge this week is to surrender your hurts to God and ask him to take over and carry your load where you know that you cannot.

American Idol: Top 10

Here's the idol run-down this week.

1. Matt - I thought he was the best this week, even though everyone was all over Adam. His song was just soooo sexy and he's so soulful & versatile.
2. Adam - Once again, I loved him & he totally redeemed himself after last week's odd (albeit talented) performance. He looked like a cross between Elvis and the Jonas Brothers (the suit!). I loved the falsetto! I was touched by Smokey's standing ovation and how Adam really wanted to get to the story behind the song (tracks of my tears). The "unplugged" version rocked! Wow!
3. Kris - I loved his sweet & simple rendition of How Sweet it Is. I consider myself to be pretty musically versed, so I was shocked to find out that the song was actually a Marvin Gaye tune...I had only ever known the James Taylor version. Kris is a cutie!
4. Allison - I thought her performance was great. It was the perfect song choice for her & I still can't get over the fact that she is only 16, but I do get a little annoyed that she seems a bit cocky (ok, rightfully so), especially how much in disbelief she was last week to be in the bottom 3. I mean, I was shocked, too, but as we know from Chris Daughtry, you're NEVER safe!
5. Danny - Ok, so his dancing was a little corny this time, but it was another solid Danny performance. I was kind of confused, though, how they spent so much time in the pre-song clip, talking about the suggestions that Smokey gave him and then he didn't make the changes anyway.
6. Anoop - another solid performance from Anoop. I loved how it was soft & sweet and we got to see some of his falsetto. Not too much to say, but good job!
7. Lil - I didn't really like her song & I agree completely with the judges when they say that this didn't give her the chance to really show what she could do & she really had her chance to shine this week, but it just didn't work. I felt like she kept falling behind the tempo (as I thought with her song last week).
8. Michael - I think his days are numbered. I said during the song that I felt like he was shouting a lot & they said that during the critique. I agree that he's sort of just playing the waiting game until he gets kicked off, but I love his attitude that he's still one of the top 10 on one of the greatest shows on tv.
9. Megan - That song just wasn't good...I was not impressed, but in general I think she's been overrated for a while...but she was better last week when she was sick, which is really sad.
10. Scott - I thought it was a really bad song choice & I wasn't impressed. I felt like he didn't carry the song well.

Bottom 3: Scott, Megan, Michael

Going home: Michael

Wait: Lesson #2 (God is in Control)

**Please read the whole way to the end for follow-up comments on lesson 1 & these lessons as a whole!

Lesson #2 - God Knows What He is Doing. He is in Control

• I often find it hard to admit to myself that God has even remembered who I am, let alone that he's actually orchestrating the plans of my life on a daily basis. I am reminded that God does not always give us our sufferings (Satan is always in the mix where pain and struggle are concerned), but He does hurt when we hurt and it does pain him to see us suffering. It makes it easy to wonder why He doesn't just take away this hurt and pain, which we know he does have the power to do....it makes it easy to question or challenge God and scream out in anguish against our burdens, just as Job did (see God's response to him below).
  

"Who are you to question my wisdom? Were you there when I made the world? Who closed the gates to hold back the sea when it burst from the womb of the earth? Have you ever in all your life commanded a day to dawn? Has anyone ever shown you the gates that guard the dark world of the dead?" ~Job 38:2, 4, 8, 12, 17

• When I get angry with God and begin to cry out in anger and frustration, I read passages like this and I struggle in some ways. On the one hand, I feel so small and insignificant...why would the God who commands each day to dawn care about me moaning and complaining that I can't have a baby? or that I am unhappy at work? or that life isn't really turning out the way I had hoped? But then I take some comfort in knowing that no matter how insignificant I feel, God does in fact care about my struggles...it's just that in my imperfect human perspective, I have trouble understanding (and accepting) that His plans are not my plans & I'm not in the driver's seat, as this world would like me to believe (see below).

"I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for." ~Jeremiah 29:11

• Sometimes my life does, in fact, feel like a disaster. I'm almost 30 years old, no baby, no good-paying job, no extraordinary gifts or talents, nothing to really be known for...and I struggle with that a lot. A LOT. I find myself being so intensely over-critical of myself that every flaw is magnified 100x & everyone else's good traits are inflated accordingly...in essence, I can see everyone else's "good life" and find myself begrudging my own...and it's a tough predicament to get out of, considering my life circumstances aren't really changing (and haven't for the past 4 years)....BUT I do put my hope in the Lord. I know that my timing is not His timing. My plans are not His plans. The path I would like to take isn't necessarily the one that He's leading me on. And I'm learning to trust. I'm hopeful that somewhere, somehow, someday along this journey, He will bring about the future that I hope for.
  

**After re-reading my last post, as well as some of the comments, I feel the need to note that these 5 lessons are in no way meant to make you feel guilty if you aren't living by them in your daily life. I certainly do not want any of my readers to think that I'm never bitter over my infertility struggles (check out some of my posts from 2006-2007 for proof of that) or that it's so easy for me to hand over control of my life's situations to God...because it's NOT! It's absolutely a daily struggle, and quite honestly...it sucks. I will never be able to look back and honestly say that this season in my life was a blessing in a horrific disguise or that I will know what God was trying to teach me through all of this, but I am learning to trust & that's a really hard thing for me to do. I hope you'll be back for more...

American Idol: Top 11

Here's a quick run-down this week so that I can get it in before the results show comes on...

1. Matt - He was really awesome & I think it's so funny how the judges are saying he's like Michael Buble & Justin Timberlake, since I've said both of those before. I also told DH he reminds me of a young Billy Joel. Awesome job this week! I want to see him rock something out soon!
2. Anoop - Wow! He went from second worst to second best for me all in a week! He did an awesome job on that song...it was nice to have the slow pace, but still feel his energy and emotion in the song...I'm not a big Willie fan, so I can say that I definitely took a liking to Anoop's version more than the original.
3. Danny - I loved the SOUL that he brought to his performance tonight. I found it interesting that two GUYS chose to perform Carrie Underwood songs, but they totally did them justice. Way to go, Danny!
4. Allison - the tone of her voice is just amazing and I love how she blew Randy Travis away. I think she chose the perfect song to have a little fun but still show off what she can do!
5. Kris - His song was so soft and sweet. There was nothing huge, but that was what made it memorable - it was tender and all about his vocals. I really enjoyed it!
6. Megan - did a really great job, especially for being sick. I loved her hair, but hated the top part of her dress. I am in love with the tone of her voice, but her inflection was almost too much (the jazzy, scatty kind of sound). The judges didn't comment on that though, so maybe it's just me
7. Alexis - I thought Alexis struggled in her upper register & therefore wasn't as powerful as I would have though she would be. I didn't like her hair and I thought it made her look old. The song could have been a good one, but it just didn't do it for me this week.
8. Adam - As much as I love him, I felt like I was at a 60's orgy...that was just so weird, or as DH put on his notes to me (he watched the show last night), "WTF???" It wasn't that it was BAD, per se, just STRANGE! I liked how Kara put it, "I'm confused, but sort of happy"
9. Michael - I definitely think that Garth was a good pick for Michael, since he definitely has the same husky tone to his voice as Garth, but I think one of Garth's ballads or slower songs would have been better...like the Thunder Rolls or even Rodeo...I did like when he said "Country Music's 'bout havin' some fun!" You go, Michael!
10. Scott - I do agree with Paula (shock of shocks!) that I would like to maybe see Scott out on a stool singing right to the audience. It isn't that he isn't amazing with the piano, but I would like to get that other connection with him...KWIM? Anyone? I thought he sounded good once the tempo of the song picked up.
11. Lil - I do not think this was a good song choice for Lil. Martina is very hard to match & I felt like Lil was often falling behind the tempo of the song. I wasn't really feeling her energy and sort of thought that it fell flat in parts. I wonder if this could be the end of the road.

Bottom 3: Michael, Scott & Lil
Going home: Lil

PS - I love the comments coming in on my Wait! posts! It's definitely giving a lot of perspective...and in many ways shows me how far I've come from my days of being down in the depths...

Wait: Lesson #1 (bitter or better?)

Over the next 5 (IF-related) blog posts, I hope to help provide you with 5 Lessons for Dealing with Difficult Situations, which are all based upon my friend Kelli's speech/sermon, which she presented at our church back in January. The numbered lessons (1-5) are hers, but I hope to go into a bit of depth and add my own insight, so I guess you could say it's a joint effort! And don't worry, I got her enthusiastic approval before beginning this venture!

Lesson#1 - You can become bitter or better.

• First of all - WOW! I can remember times when just reading that line would have sent me into a tailspin (bitter??? Don't I have a RIGHT to be bitter??), but honestly...I can look back and say it's the honest-to-goodness truth. Everyday we have a choice. We can choose to be bitter and sulk & have an eternal pity party, or we can do our best to suck it up and accept where we are today. The here-and-now (and how we deal with it) makes us the person that we are; the person that others see. Do you want them to know you as "that bitter infertile woman," or "the woman who counts her blessings each day, hopeful that better days are just around the bend?" (see the quote below)
  

"A person's character is determined not by how they act when life is going their way, but by how they act when life is NOT going their way." ~Author Unknown

• This quote made me think of that old saying about how people are like tea bags...you never realize their true strength and purpose until they're in a bit of hot water...how true is that? If God never put us under a little pressure, our lives would be perfect & then we'd have no need for Him...and yes, I know, sometimes it seems as though we've been burned by that scalding hot water, but you know what? We're still alive to tell about it & that says something about who we are and the people that God continues to transform us into.

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." ~Psalm 71:20

• The good news is: God promises there is always light at the end of the tunnel...we are not the first people to see hard times and struggle, nor will we be the last. The bible details many stories of hardship, loss and struggle, but no matter how low your lowest depth may reach, God promises that He will bring you back up.

"Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." ~Romans 5:3-4

• Rejoice in our sufferings? There's a new one! How can I possibly rejoice in suffering? I mean, I could see being numb or indifferent...and I'll even give you pseudo-pleasant...but rejoice? I'm not so sure I can do that, God. But I will tell you, that after all this time, I can honestly say that I can see how God has used me and grown me over these past four years. I know that I will be a better parent and I will not take as much for granted (of course, you can ask me that hopefully in a few months when I have morning sickness & it might be a different story, but I digress!). I have seen, first hand, the good parents and the bad & I admit that I now have a clearer picture of the life that I want my child to have & the boundaries that I (we) plan to set. So in a way, I can see how this suffering can lead to rejoicing (even if I can't always rejoice in the midst).

"Why am I so sad? Why am I so troubled? I will put my hope in God, and once again I will praise him, my savior and my God." ~Psalm 42:11

• Although the change is not an immediate one, this verse gives us an assurance that if we are believers and put our hope in God, our strength will be renewed and we will once again praise Him. It's good to know that we can take a little time for our pity party, but it should not last.

So we have two choices in this fight...we can surrender to the devil and become bitter, or we can rejoice (???) in our sufferings and become a better, stronger & more faithful follower because of them. Which choice will you make today?

Waiting...when no one understands

It's amazing how many sayings there are in our language about waiting and patience...
You know, "Good things come to those who wait!," & "Patience is a virtue," or (according to Tom Petty), "the waiting is the hardest part." And I don't know about you, but anyone who says something like this to someone in pain or struggle has obviously never had major unrealized dreams in their own lives...because these adages are JUST.SO.PATRONIZING! They honestly serve no other purpose than to give the person something to say when they just don't know what to say...and I get that, I really do. It's human nature to want to offer something more than just that longing, sympathetic look to someone who is hurting...and honestly, over the years, I've learned to brush off those comments, but I know it isn't that easy for other women.

So the question is, what can we do about it? I guess in the heat of the moment, there's probably not much we can do except smile and grit our teeth...but that only leaves them feeling better about themselves and us feeling worse. And while I hate to play the victim here, aren't we already the ones that are hurting?

I think that the key to preventing future moments like this is through education. That's why I circulate my copies of the "Stepping Stones" newsletter to all of my family who knows we're having trouble TTC. Can you send your family a link to your favorite IF discussion boards or blogs? Can you give them books that deal with the emotional, physical, spiritual and psychological effects of infertility? Can you create your own infertility blog that you can send out to your family & friends? If nothing else, all of these avenues open up the board for a discussion & help your loved ones to realize the hurt and pain that are hidden behind your somewhat-pleasant facade (because we all know we put on that happy face most of the time)...I think in many cases, most people don't understand the depth of an infertile couple's pain, which reaches far beyond the mere fact that you are unable to have a child (the good old-fashioned way, like 83% of all couples), but rather completely changes you spiritually, relationally & mentally. I know for myself, the toughest pill to swallow has been nearing my 29th birthday & having people harp on me that I'm "still so young" but consciously realizing that my life is not shaping up the way that I had thought/hoped that it would (in the dream where I was 30 with two kids or at least the 2nd on the way).

So make it your goal today to educate one of your loved ones about your inner hurt and pain. You don't have to lay your whole heart out on the table...just send along your infertility articles & newsletters, or even a link to this post to let them know how you feel. And maybe, just maybe, over time, we can replace those nagging old sayings with uplifting ones like these...

"But they that wait upon the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint." ~Isaiah 40:31

"May the love hidden deep inside your heart find the love waiting in your dreams. May the laughter that you find in your tomorrow wipe away the pain you find in your yesterdays.

Now that we've focused on helping those around us help us to deal with patience in times of struggle, it's on to the REAL meat of this series...how we can help ourselves to deal in these trying times. Over the next 5 posts, I'll expound on my friend Kelli's 5 points for waiting through the struggle. I hope you'll come back to join us!

A break from "Wait!" for some Idol

Last year I posted updates & ranked my favorites each week on American Idol and I thought I would do the same this year. The Rocks in My Dryer blog (Shannon) used to have a Mr. Linky up, but I haven't seen it yet this year, so I'll start my own here...maybe if we have any other idol viewers, we could start our own Mr. Linky to link up to YOUR idol chat!

Here is my rank of the evening (I had to watch it this afternoon, actually, because we have bible study on Tuesday nights)
1. Adam - I realize he's an acquired taste for many viewers, but I just love him! I love that he's different and comfortable with who he is! His song was great and his vocals are amazing (and so unique). He's like Pete Wentz (looks) meets Axl Rose (voice)...KWIM? He just came out of nowhere for me, too, because I wasn't nuts about him early-on.
2. Danny - Totally awesome & I loved his moves...I liked when the girls said that his moves were just part of the music, not cheesy dance moves (like, say...Taylor Hicks?). And I love that he loves his church music
3. Matt - I loved him in Hollywood & then he kind of faded for me during the top 36. I thought he got a bit boring & forgettable, but he was HOT this week! What a great voice and I love that little falsetto (Justin Timberlake) thing he's got going on...sexy :)
4. Allison - She's really cool & at 16, I am totally impressed. The tone of her voice is so developed, you would think she'd been singing (professionally for 20 years)...and I love that she was joking with Simon
5. Michael - I really liked his song choice & I love the emotion that he puts into his songs. I was getting a bit teary by the end of it actually. And he's gotta make the top 5 when he tells Paula & Kara "Yes Ma'am" anytime they ask him a question! :)
6. Alexis - this definitely wasn't her strongest performance but I still really liked it and it was neat to see her rocking it out. She did oversing a bit, as the judges said, but that isn't ALWAYS a bad thing, IMO.
7. Kris - I thought he was "ok." I thought it was interesting because I was taking notes as I was watching it & I wrote "acoustic guitar seems odd in this song" and sure enough, Simon said the same thing. It seems that, if nothing else, his guitar keeps him in his comfort zone, which is fine, but, again, not right for that song.
8. Lil - again, just OK. I liked her song & agreed with Simon that I did not like her outfit...I thought she started the show off great...it's just that I saw lots of other good ones after her!
9. Megan - WOW! What an interesting song choice...I guess that's part of her personality though...quirky & always keeps you guessing. I still love her voice & definitely don't think she's a bad singer, but her song choice tonight was just WAY OFF. And it surprises me that she's being touted on Vote for the Worst this week...I swear, that site promotes the middle-of-the-road singers so that they can feel better about themselves, rather than actually promoting the worst singer...which really WAS NOT Megan.
10. Jasmine - I love the control of her voice, but I agree that she tends to go a bit robotic. She's great for being so young, but unfortunately, the only thing I remember about her is how cute she looked & not what she sang...
11. Scott - I love him & I thought he sounded good. I loved that he played the piano on a song that he just learned this week. Unfortunately for Scott, however, he misses out on the opportunity to connect with his audience by physically getting into the music which, as we know, is such a huge part of the Idol performance experience...I just hope he can stick around for at least another week!
12. Anoop - I did not expect that song from him at all & I am really disappointed because I was rooting for him...He said about wanting to pick a more energetic song, but I think he assumed that an up-tempo song would automatically create more energy on the stage...I just wasn't feelin' it Anoop Dogg :(
13. Jorge - I know the language thing is an issue for him & I was really excited for him to make it into the top 12/13, but that just wasn't the right song...as Simon would say, "I felt like I was on a cruise ship."

Going home predictions: Anoop & Jorge

Wait: a poem

This poem is by an unknown author (if you know it, please let me know and I will be sure to cite him/her). My friend Kelli used this as the opening to her sermon on patience through struggles & I thought it was perfect to begin my series, as well!

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.
Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait!"

"Wait?, you say, wait!" my indignant reply.
Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By FAITH I have asked, and am claiming your Word

My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'yes,' a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.

And Lord, you promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
"I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And I grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting...for what?"

He seemed then to kneel and His eyes wept with mine
And he tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want - but you wouldn't know ME!"

"You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint;
You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in me
When darkness and silence were all you could see."

"You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of my Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save...(for a start),
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of my heart."

"The glow of my comfort late into the night.
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST."

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved ones overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss! if I lost what I'm doing in you!"

"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
THAT THE GREATEST OF GIFTS IS TO GET TO KNOW ME!
And though of may my answers seem terribly late,
My wisest of answers is still but to WAIT."

Coming soon...WAIT!

I know I've been scarce this past week, but honestly, I haven't felt that I've had anything of worth to share with you...until now! I recently attended a seminar by one of my real-life friends, Kelli. She's struggled with infertility for 5+ years and is currently pregnant with twins!! She wrote and delivered a speech on patience through tough times. The sermon is entitled "Wait." Over the next few posts, I plan to deliver that message to all of my lovely readers, along with a few devotionals on patience that I wrote myself...if you know anyone that could use a message on patience through struggles, please pass my blog onto them! I would love to get some more readers listed on my followers (and I know that would motivate me to post more often). And if you ARE a follower, please don't lurk! I love to hear your comments!

In other exciting news, G & I met with my middle school friend, B over the weekend. She's the one who heard through the grapevine (where the internet/facebook/blogosphere & real life collide) that we're looking for an egg donor so that we can be a part of our IVF study. Up until Saturday, we had only been sending messages via facebook, but I wanted she and G to meet and I knew that I needed to catch myself up to speed on her life & catch her up to speed on the whole IVF/donor process. We met at a cute little (and delicious) restaurant for lunch and chatted about anything and everything...but mostly about her amazing generosity. There were times when I almost succumbed to the tears of joy that wanted to come out, but I kept my cool. It was just amazing to see how head-over-heels excited she is about this opportunity to give to someone in need. She said that she almost feels selfish and greedy doing this because it is something that she wants to do so badly. Her enthusiasm and optimism were so infectious that G & I left the restaurant aglow and hand-in-hand.

But, being cautious (okay, pessimistic) as we are, we aren't ready to get our hopes up just yet...see there's this person called a doctor...and he kind of has to approve our donor candidate first. And since she struggled with infertility herself (even though it wasn't related to eggs), we aren't ready to plunge into the sea of emotions just yet. B was diagnosed with endo at age 16...endo so severe that her doctors told her that she would never be able to have children. Way to turn someone into an adult, PDQ, huh? So after several molar pregnancies and miscarriages, they miraculously gave birth to their miracle little girl who is now almost 9 years old...after her birth, B had to have a partial hysterectomy due to the endo...so they removed her uterus, but her ovaries are still present and I'm told fully functioning! So in all reality, there should be no issue since her uterus is what prevented her pregnancies, not her eggs...

Wow, this all just seems so surreal. If someone had told me a year ago (whilst in the midst of our IVF cycle) that in a year, we would be a) trying for our 4th attempt at IVF, b) as part of a study, c) using a middle-school friend's eggs, whom I haven't spoken to in 15 years, I would have told you that you were insane...I mean, only real life (or lifetime movies) could write story lines like this...of course, with a little help from you-know-who...

Menu Plan Monday!

Here we are again with another edition of MPM! Last week's went off without a hitch. This week is a pretty busy week, however, so you will notice that I'm only in charge of 2 meals, which is super nice (even though I do love cooking).
Monday - Cheddar Garlic Chicken. I have made this before and it is very yummy!
Tuesday - Family night w/ IL's
Wednesday - DH has a class from 6-9 after school, so we will be on our own
Thursday - Beef Stroganoff - I pretty much use this recipe except that I use ground beef instead of the steak...and I have no idea what cornichons** are...anyone?
Friday - Fish dinners with my parents!

**so I looked up cornichons - why didn't she just say pickles???**

Yeah, about that post I never got to yesterday...

Just so you know, I did have all intentions of writing a second post yesterday but, well, I honestly don't have a good excuse! I don't know where my night went! G was out kind of late & then we wanted to go work out at his parents' house (4 workouts for me this week! WOO HOO!), then I came home and made dinner (chicken w/ herbed gravy and rice) and by the time I was done cleaning up from dinner, making G's lunch and getting myself ready for the next day's work, I pretty much just went to bed!

But my post was GOING to be about my relationship with God as of late. I haven't posted much because I've kind of been in a weird place. Over the past year, my relationship with God has kind of been correlated to where we are in our TTC efforts. If we're pursuing treatments or waiting, I'm pretty good and I have a lot of hope and I really feel as though God is really with me and understanding me. But when we get bad news or plans change or get postponed, I get frustrated and angry with God for allowing this to be drawn out EVEN LONGER! I guess you could say that the stage we're in now is no different. We're juggling a couple of different donor prospects for the study; just getting myself to believe that we will actually get to be a part of this is enough to give me hope and feel as though God is coming through for us...but then to see how people have rallied around us and supported us is just amazing and it definitely shows God's faithfulness in His time. One woman from an online infertility support group has offered, as well as a middle/high school friend of mine from back in the day. Also, a friend from the online support group has been scouring her friends & moms groups and a third prospect has come forward, as well as a couple of people who have just randomly stumbled across my blog. I find it all so incredible. And humbling.

But I digress...back to the whole God thing...I was telling a fellow infertile blogger the other day that I often feel like Job. He was God's beloved; he was upright and of pure heart; he tried to please God in all he did. And then Satan came and destroyed all that he had. His family was gone, his home and riches were destroyed, he was covered in boils and sores and even his friends (who stood by him) didn't quite understand him. He felt so alone, yet he remained faithful to God and refused to turn on the Lord. There were times of desperation when he shook his fist at God and demanded to know "why?". But you know what? God basically gave it right back to him...and slowly, I, too, have been learning that I don't need to know WHY or HOW or WHEN...I just need to know how to have FAITH and PATIENCE and TRUST.

The Caedmon's Call song, "Faith My Eyes" has really been speaking to me lately. If you've never heard of CC or this song, you've gotta check them out!

But if I must go
Things I trust will be better off without me
But I don't want to know
Life is better off a mystery

So keep'em coming these lines on the road
And keep me responsible be it a light or heavy load
And keep me guessing with these blessings in disguise
And I'll walk with grace my feet and faith my eyes

But I get turned around
I mistake some happiness for blessing
But I'm blessed as the poor
Still I judge success by how I'm dressin

And also Caedmon's Call, "Table for Two"

'Cause You knew how You'd save me
before I fell dead in the garden
And You knew this day
long before You made me out of dirt

And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep.

It might be a two-post day...here's the first

I haven't given a good preschool story in a while, so you're in for a treat today! I am still kind of reeling from the shock of this one. I know that I shouldn't be too surprised, but wow...

We were sitting down in the lobby of the preschool while we were waiting for all of the kids to show up in the morning. I was stooped down talking to my kids. One of my boys (one of the devil twins) went to flip his coat up over his head and he ended up accidentally punching me in the forehead. I kind of faked being hurt so that I could use the moment to teach him about saying sorry even when you do something accidentally, so I said, "R, I know that was an accident, but if we hurt someone, even accidentally, we need to say we're sorry. Can you tell Mrs. S you're sorry?"

And do you know what he said???

"No, because you deserved that..."

I am still speechless...Um WOW...I said, "Excuse me?" and picked the kid up and put him in a chair and went and got my director to tell her what he did so she could ream him out...I knew if I opened my mouth, I wouldn't be able to control my rage at that point in time. I realize that he probably heard that from his parents and had no idea what he was saying, but WOW. It's one thing to hear something at home and quite another to think that it's appropriate to say that to an adult. So when I went to go get him to walk down to the classroom, I had to pick him up and make him stand (he was refusing to come to the classroom) and he made fists at me and told me he wanted to "break this whole school down!" Anger issues? you think???

And guess what? When I told his dad about it, he said to him "Oh, R...." and that's it! Even after I said that it was very serious and he had to sit down with my boss to talk about not saying that to people...I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree...3-years-old or not (actually he's 4.5 now), if I did that, I think I would STILL be grounded to this day. How about you??

Rite-Aid Savings!!!

My bloggy friend, Amy (check it out! She's got a coupon giveaway going on!), has blogged about her awesome trips to CVS from time-to-time where she spends a few dollars out-of-pocket and winds up with A TON of stuff, thanks to store coupons, ECB (extra care bucks) and manufacturer's coupons. I thought I would do something to make her proud today...so, after scouring the sale flyers & registering for their online rebate program, I made my way over to Rite-Aid (it's the first time I've been to the one in our town, despite the fact that it's been there for over a year) with my coupons in hand!

I ended up buying the following items (I'll post a pic later, don't worry!): 10 Soy Joy bars, 1 pkg Stayfree feminine products, 2 packages of Big Red gum & 1 can Garnier Fructis Wonder Waves styling mousse. And here's the breakdown...

Soy Joy - regularly $1.39ea, on sale for $.50 each, plus I had 2 coupons for $1 off of 4, and another coupon for buy one, get one free (check the math! That adds up to 10 bars). For their in-store rebate program, they are paying you back $5 if you buy 10 bars! That means that once I get my rebate back, they will actually pay me $2.50 to take those 10 bars off their hands!
Stayfree pads - regularly $3.99, on sale for $2.99, plus a $1 in-store coupon & a $1 manufacturer's coupon...my total spent, $.99!
Garnier Fructis Wonder Waves Mousse - regularly $4.39, on sale for $2.99 & a single check rebate for $2.99 which makes this mousse FREE!
Wrigley Big Red Gum - I went into the store not knowing that they were having BOGO on this, so it worked out doubly well for me! Regular price is $1.29. I had a coupon for a free package, so I had only planned on getting that one package, then I noticed that they were BOGO, so I ended up getting 2 packages for completely FREE!

My total bill at the store was $6.66 for $24.86 worth of merchandise. My rebate check will be for the amount of $7.99, meaning I will actually be making a profit of $1.33 on this shopping trip! Savings like this literally give me a high! Who needs drugs????

And I did forget to pick up one thing (that I did have on my list, but of course didn't re-check), which was their Zilactin mouth sore ointment which is also free after the single check rebate, so I will be heading back tomorrow to pick that up!

So....can you beat that?? I would love to hear your stories!
PS - find out more about Rite-Aid, CVS and other savings programs at The Freebie Blogger

Menu Plan Monday (Sunday)

I ended up changing things up a bit last week & instead of my Chicken & Rice bake on Tuesday, we instead ate the leftover rice (that we took to the ILs house the night before) with Pioneer Woman's Ranch-Style Chicken. I had a little leftover bacon & some cheddar, so it seemed like the perfect way to use up things that I already had in the fridge. Friday's plans were kind of sketchy & I ended up doing my first attempt at French Onion Soup using Pioneer Woman's recipe. It must have been good because between Friday's dinner and today's lunch, DH & I ate the whole thing! DH even told me that soups are definitely my specialty...I've now got chicken noodle, vegetable beef & French onion under my belt!

Sunday - I didn't know what to do for dinner (we knew we wanted to do something with chicken) so I typed "crusted chicken" into google and came up with this AWESOME recipe for Parmesan Crusted Chicken. Seriously - this recipe was amazing, pretty easy & by far the best chicken-finger type recipe I've had! My only complaint is that the recipe for the breading makes SO much & unless you keep it in a separate container (from what you're actually breading the chicken in) & add more as you need it, you'll end up wasting a lot. I might halve the breading recipe next time, because it really made a ton!
Monday - Pasta with marinara, garlic bread & salad
Tuesday - Family night w/ ILs
Wednesday - Wing Wednesday for DH, so I'll be on my own
Thursday - Herbed Chicken & Gravy with rice & salad
Friday - to be determined...maybe a beef stroganoff? Sounds good to me! :)

PS - If you're thrifty like me, make sure you click on my header & check out today's post about my awesome deals & steals at Rite-Aid today!

Procrastination creates a productive day

Have you ever had to do a task that you just kept putting off and putting off, finding a multitude of other (often less-important) things to do instead? Other things, all of which under normal circumstances would be the same things that you would be putting off in order to do some even less important task? Well...guess who's been-there & done-that today? You guessed it! ME!

The day started with G & I sleeping in. He got up & before long, left to go watch a hockey game with his friend & I started cleaning the house. I vacuumed all of the carpets, then I vacuumed all of the baseboards. I did 2 loads of laundry & cleaned the hardwood floors. I organized my closet & got rid of a small bag of stuff. I talked to my mom online & made myself grilled cheese & tomato soup for lunch...I pretty much did it all (ok, so even my procrastination couldn't make me work out...but I digress)...

That is except for working on my job applications. I'm just having the hardest time getting started on these. It is SUCH a huge undertaking with everything that you have to do now. Everyone is going to online applications, even for teaching jobs & it's so tedious to fill out all of their forms (forms that are nearly identical to ones that I already have filled out and saved on my computer, but are not in the same format, so they must be re-typed/submitted). It goes on and on for pages upon pages of references, test scores, awards & organization memberships, essays, short-answer questions, prior experiences, grades/GPA, etc, etc, etc. And that's not even including the 3 federal & state clearances I'm required to apply for & submit, plus the medical exam. After today, I am remembering precisely why I procrastinated so long last year, and that by the time I got around to starting them, I gave up because it was too late to get hired for a teaching job anyway!

Let's hope I can stick with it this time. I got one site's applications done in its entirety today & hopefully I'll get to work on the other one tomorrow...after my boss told me yesterday that she "didn't have anything to do" so she sat at her desk and facebooked for an hour, I knew it was time to start looking for another job. I mean, is it just me, or are those the kind of things that as a supervisor, you just don't do...or if you do, you at least don't tell your employees (who make under $10/hour) about it...Maybe that was my motivation.

What do YOU need?

This is a really funny meme of sorts. Type your first name and then the word "needs" into Google and post the first ten things that come up! I'll warn you that a few of these are not G rated...be warned!

Here's mine...along with a few comments from yours truly.

1. Teri needs..to create a no-close-up-unless-an-army-of-photoshop-assistants-are-within-50m clause in her contract (OUCH!)
2. Teri needs..saving
3. Teri needs..to be saved from her own d**n self!
4. Teri needs..the toilet (umm...ok?)
5. Teri needs..to seriously look at its current strength and capacity to meet the challenges of the future (Wow! You can say that again!)
6. Teri needs..some problem-free **censored**, and I think I've found a way for her to get some (YIKES!)
7. Teri needs..to sound like a normal twelve year old advice giver! Not to be pushy.
8. Teri needs..make-up (alright already!)
9. Teri needs..tennis shoes; hers got ruined from accident
10. Teri needs..therapy (NIIIICEEEE!!!)

Try this out & post it to your blog - if you're reading this, consider yourself tagged!

Menu Plan Monday

I've jumped off of the menu-planning bandwagon for a couple of weeks, due to things going on here at the house (preschool progress reports, our mini vacation to Disney, etc.), but I'm happy to report that I'm jumping back on this week! It's going to kind of be a mixed up week, though, so we'll see how it goes.

Monday - Family Night #1 w/ DH's family - MIL's making Pretzel Crusted Chicken (please, do try this! It's SO good!) and I'm taking Easy Oven Rice (minus the chicken meat) as a side. Also, since we're both off of work today, I made beef fajitas for lunch, using this recipe for the seasoning. It was great!
Tuesday - Easy Chicken Bake (looks familiar, eh? Just like the rice from Monday night?? DH is addicted to this rice and could eat it every meal, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to make it again - this time for a meal)
Wednesday - Family Night #2 with DH's family
Thursday - DH has pizza party for his basketball girls, so I will probably do leftovers
Friday - maybe going out to dinner for a belated V-day meal! We don't really celebrate V-day much, but we'll take any excuse we can find to go out and enjoy a meal (that I'm not cooking!)

A letter to my doctor

Dearest Doctor,

I wanted to take the time out of my busy day to write you a letter. You see, I really need to thank you for the wonderful start to my day today! I sprang forth from my bed, chipper and alert, at 5:15 this morning. I smiled as I drove 45 minutes to the office & got excited (really!) as I was called in for my appointment right at 7AM. But it was really too, too generous of you to ask me to sit in there (naked from the waist down, mind you) with no magazines or television for forty minutes before you came in, entertained only by the sound of the ultrasound gel warmer clicking on and off (and on and off, and on and off) over and over again.

But you just didn't feel that was enough to express your appreciation for the tens of thousands of dollars I've spent at your office, did you? No...of course not. So when you sweetly asked where we were in our search for a donor, I told you we were still looking. To which you replied, "Oh, where are you on the waiting list?" Of course I told you that we're not on a waiting list, we're trying to procure our own donor. And you so nicely told me, "Oh, no! You don't want to do that! Definitely go anonymous! That's the only way to go!" Thanks for reminding me that you make a doctor's salary and, if you ever needed to, you could make a decision like that so easily, without having to think about financial constraints.

Finally, after the hour spent in your office (for a 5 minute ultrasound & 2 minute bloodwork), I am so glad that I got to spend 50 minutes (while rushing back to work) in the car reflecting on my wonderful experience at your office today. I am so happy that I only had 5 minutes to prep my classroom for our Valentine's Day party before the kids came in...I mean, who needs to be overly prepared for three-year-olds anyway?

Thank you again for everything today.

Sincerely,

Works for me Wednesday: V-day style!

Today was my Valentine's Day party for my four-year-olds. Tomorrow is the party for the 3s. I have a lot of food allergies in the classroom, which makes providing treats suitable for everyone in the class a bit challenging. My healthy and kid-friendly solution? Fruit kebabs! I took wooden skewers (2 per child, but I don't think they'll really eat that much) & loaded them with grapes, strawberries, fresh pineapple and mandarin oranges! The kids think they're tons of fun & they don't get soggy like a fruit salad would! Plus, they're easier to serve than a fruit tray! It's healthy, fun & it WORKS FOR ME!

Hello, my friend. What brings YOU here today?

With the Google Analytics feature on my blog, I get to be a spy and take a sneak-peek at the search terms that bring visitors here. Sometimes I am amazed. Sometimes I am befuddled. Sometimes I laugh. And sometimes I cry...really. (If you used these search terms, please know that I'm glad you're here, despite the emotions your varied keywords evoked!)

For example , many users stumble upon my blog simply with the terms "infertility," "infertility chronicles," or "trying to conceive." I guess those are kind of the standards that you would expect to find in a blog of this nature.

But then, of course, there are a few that just leave me scratching my head...such as "infertility in the dog." I don't know about you, but I'm thinking this must have been a breeder searching for more info. It isn't everyday that you find someone scouring the net for animal infertility. And then there's "cooking spray infertility" - yeah, I have no idea where that one came from...anyone? anyone? Bueller?

And then there are ones that make me hurt & empathize...like this mouthful: "lying awake at night thinking of things beyond my control ready to give up the fight tired and weary of carrying the load i know i am supposed to be strong" and "infertile for 4 years what is wrong with me"? And to that, I want to say, "Honey, there ain't NOTHIN' wrong with you - God just knew we were fighters!"

And finally, there are ones that just make me cry...like "giveaway baby" - oh my heart hurts...

What brought YOU here today?

Can't we all just get along?

Sometimes we can learn a lot from animals...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBtFTF2ii7U

No news isn't always good news

No news isn't always good news...especially in the case of searching for an egg donor. It's been almost two full weeks since our initial mention of a donor was made in our church bulletin, and one week since the e-message went out & we haven't heard anything. I realize that this is a matter that isn't to be taken lightly & therefore requires a great deal of thought & prayer on the part of everyone involved...but man, I'm just so tired of all this waiting. And wondering. And worrying.

Worrying that we might not end up finding a volunteer to donate eggs for us. Worrying that if we don't find someone, we very well could shell out $6-8K for a donor...money that otherwise could be used toward an adoption. I mean, there are definitely pros to that avenue, as well (like the fact that we could choose a donor who looks like me & has similar body structures & features as us), but it all comes back to the money thing. How much is the pregnancy experience worth to me, exactly? In non-monetary terms, it's worth more to me than just about anything else, to be perfectly honest. If money were not an obstacle, we would have been at an agency yesterday...two months ago actually. But this is the real world. And money is a factor, unfortunately. I have to start making decisions that no woman should ever have to make. Do I want to be selfish with my desire to be a mother the way that I want to and shell out lots of money & possibly not end up with a pregnancy anyway? Or do I be "sensible" and take the path that my head would lead me on, which is to put my selfish desires aside & put the money towards an adoption. Let's be honest...following our heads isn't always the "right" choice either. So we continue to hope & pray (and even though I shouldn't, we worry).

Work continues to be work. However, my 3s are getting better each day and M has really started to show emotion and interaction with others (mostly adults, more so than with classmates). Today, he actually got up and hugged the man who was helping out in my classroom (the after-school supervisor) & then said, "Wait! I forgot to kiss you!" and he planted a kiss right on his shoulder! Wow! That was a HUGE WOW! And Tuesday at gym class, he just looks at me with this sweet twinkle in his eye, places his hand on my shoulder and says, "I like you..." Ok does that just melt your heart or what?

And today, it was so darn cute...we were watching a power point slide show that I made for the letter Rr. It was Rr Animal Riddles. I would give clues (and sometimes animal sounds) on the power point and try to get the kids to guess the animal. The one was really stumping them, which said: "I have a beak and feathers, I live in a nest, I am usually the first bird that you see in the spring, I have a red chest." Everyone was pretty stumped, so I was trying to think of some clues for them (if you work with kids, you know that bird classification is not really in the scope of skills for a 3 yr old...pretty much anything that flies is a "bird"). Finally, I thought about one of my student's whose mom's name is Robyn. I said, "Hey Noah! What's your Mom's name?" and he just sat and thought for a minute. Then I said, "You know, what's her real name? What does your Daddy call your Mommy?" And he thought for another second, "Ummmm, Honey?"

There you have it! Too, too cute!

Please pray!

This, that & the other

Today was another day off for me, due to ultrasound & bloodwork for my prep cycle this morning. Once again, in my true, messed up fashion, my P4 is STILL elevated & I need to go back Monday for another u/s & b/w. I'm debating on whether or not I should try and rush around to get back, or just ask to get a sub for the whole day again. I hate missing my kids so much & I really need to get my evaluations done, but like I said, I hate hurrying to get back, too...I think I'm going to go to my classroom tomorrow (while I'm at the church for my friend's testimony speech) and get everything set up, just in case.

In other WONDERFUL news, we were both surprised & touched when we got the following email in our inboxes yesterday. I will cut & paste a copy of our pastor's weekly e-message that is sent out to the congregation:
e-Message From The Heart

"I know how you feel" is one of the most misused and hurtful phrases a person can utter. Unless we have been through almost the exact same experience, it is essentially impossible for us to know how another person feels.

Recently a childless couple trying to have a baby came to us with a request that we ask the congregation to pray and pass the word that they need to find a young woman, age 18 through 33, to donate eggs for fertilization and implantation.

In the Old Testament the inability to have children, called barrenness, was believed to be a curse from God. Today it remains one of life's greatest heartaches and hurts. It hurts so much that sometimes in our well meaning desire to comfort we say things that hurt even more.

It is especially difficult, I am told, to bare this sorrow in a church like ours where we are blessed by so many beautiful children and babies. But by the grace of God, modern medicine is making amazing strides. Now more couples who dream and pray of giving birth to a child of their own are seeing their prayers answered.

What is needed is an act of love. The donor will need to meet with doctors and take some medicine before the eggs are harvested. There is some financial support for the donor. The procedure is not painful but it is certainly a significant gift to give.

Please pray with me that the Holy Spirit will move the right person to step forward, and that the result will be a healthy child delivered to loving and grateful parents.

You or a potential donor can get more information from Pastor Wendy.

Psalm 113, verse 9 says: "He gives the childless woman a family, making her a happy mother. Praise the Lord!"
~Pastor Dave

So have I mentioned yet that I LOVE him? I told DH yesterday that I hoped it was ok with him that I loved the pastor. He said, "That's fine...but you do know you can't marry him, right?" And I replied, "Oh yeah, I know, he's already married, it's fine" - LOL - nevermind the fact that I, too, am already married. It's ok. He's a little too old for me anyway...

Please continue to pray...and if you wonder why I haven't posted in a while, it's because I've been entering contests like mad over at the bloggy giveaway carnival (button in my sidebar)!

The new look & some random stuff

Sooooo....how do you like the new look? I LOVE it and I'm totally in awe of Erin's bloggy design awesomeness! There's still time to get in on her 50% off special! Scroll down to the bottom of my sidebar to find the link to her site!

And I figured I would throw in a very late MPM for good measure.

Monday - meatball subs with homemade meatballs
Tuesday - homemade stromboli (yes, I realize we had this last week, but DH requested it again...who am I to deny him of an easy meal??)
Wednesday - family night w/ in-laws
Thursday - chicken in a pot (crockpot recipe) which is very similar to the recipe I've linked up to (except mine just uses a few cloves of garlic under the skin & you get the same effect). Make sure you add some paprika and onion powder to the mixture & slather it all over and inside the chicken!)
Friday - DH will be at a basketball game, so I'll probably be on my own
Saturday - food at DH's football banquet
Sunday - SUPERBOWL PARTY (GO STEELERS!) I'm making buffalo chicken dip!

Last week's Sweet & Sour Chicken was a HUGE hit w/ DH. He even suggested I make it when his family comes for dinner some night. It was kind of messy & I used more egg than it called for, but the end result was worth it...and the hour in the oven gave me plenty of time to clean up my mess.

And on a very serious note, will you all please pray for my friend Kelli? She's pregnant through an FET after 2 previous miscarriages both around 9 weeks. Please send up some sticky vibes for she & her hubby!

What a crazy week! It's a LONG one!

Let me just start by saying that this week has been insane. What was supposed to start out as a normal week has ended up being quite crazy. It started when G & I got home from his parents' house late Sunday night (after watching the football games). There were two messages on the answering machine. One was from my co-worker and one was from my boss, both telling me that due to a malfunction with the sprinkler system at the church (where I work), the daycare had to close on Monday & therefore, I wasn't needed at work. WOOO-FREAKING-HOOO! The best part of that news was that I was supposed to be working daycare all morning on Monday since, being MLK Day, my preschoolers didn't have school. That meant that I would spend six hours harping on K-6th graders instead of loving my little guys...so the unexpected day off (when G also had the day off) was a welcomed surprise! We ended up going out to lunch, running errands, and getting a few things done around the house (like catching up on some Big Bang Theory episodes on Tivo).

Tuesday went off without a hitch & that was the day of my meeting with the pastor, which I already blogged about! Coincidentally, I was up in the church office on Thursday and I got to see our donor request printed on the Prayer Needs list. I wanted to steal a copy from the office, but I figured I would wait until Sunday at church...since, you know, stealing from a church didn't really seem like the right thing to do! LOL :)

Wednesday was my "tough child's" observation at the local special services facility (place for special services & early intervention). It was supposed to take place at the beginning of the month, but due to weather, was cancelled and rescheduled for Wednesday. Before my 4-year-olds had even left for the day, my boss had received a call from the special services facility, asking if they could come and observe THE NEXT DAY!

Now, for those of you who don't work in education, you probably don't/won't understand the significance of this. Let me try to make you understand...I referred this child for special services in October. Well, actually, I asked his mom in October if she would be willing to have him evaluated. She agreed, but took a bit of time filling out the paperwork, getting doctor's signatures, etc. Once the paperwork is in, the special services facility has (I believe) something like 60 days to schedule their initial observation. They are overwhelmed with applications and, being free services, everyone wants them. So it took from that time (probably November) until January to get the observation set. After the first observation, they have another 60-or-so days to do their in-classroom observation & then another 60-or-so days after that to begin rendering services. So you can understandably see why I wanted him to be referred ASAP at the beginning of the year & why I was SO surprised to hear that they wanted to come in immediately for the in-classroom observation. This told me that they saw a number of things to cause them alarm.

Then, of course on Thursday, I was a mess. I was so worried (as teachers often are) that A) the child-in-question would have a great day & not show them anything they needed to see in order to qualilfy him for special services (this has happened to me before, I kid you not!) or B) they would be observing ME & find something wrong with what I was doing in the classroom that would cause him to act the way he was. I know that B) sounds really absurd, but after being observed by administrators in the past who have NO idea how to teach elementary kids, and then try to instruct you precisely on that which they have no personal experience, you tend to be very self-critical.

Let's just say that I needn't have worried. My kiddo came in doing a great job & really demonstrating that he got our routine (hung up his coat & backpack on his chair & then gave me his folder from his backpack all w/o assistance), but after that, she pretty much got to see him all in action. I won't go into detail, but I will just say that it wasn't so much behavior issues that she got to see as much as behaviors that has that sent up the red flags everywhere. She was really a great lady and knew what she was looking for & I was grateful to hear a lot of reassurance that the things she was seeing were the exact things that I have been seeing these past few months...and that it's not just me, but that there ARE real issues at hand. And his brother even helped me out by throwing an all-out I'm-4-but-I-act-like-I'm-2 temper tantrum, which I'm sure she made note of. I thought that was a nice touch.

When the observer left, she stressed over and over that she was going to send us paperwork and could I PLEASE send it in ASAP! WOW! So I am sure I will be filling out tons of paperwork (on top of my 14 report cards that I have to squeeze in somehow) next week.

And finally, yesterday, Friday. I got the day off of work because I had to go for ultrasound and bloodwork for my prep cycle. In my true my-body-is-a-piece-of-crap fashion, the bloodwork came back with my estrogen elevated, which showed that I ended up ovulating right through the birth control pills and the lupron. I am such a freak! Go me! So, now I have to double my dosage of lupron & come back in another week to see if my E2 is down low enough to start the Estrace & progesterone meds. I am now starting to worry that this cycle will overlap with our Presidents' Day weekend trip, but there's nothing I can do about it now...so we wait. And I emailed the nurse to find out about my TSH level and how it looked this time, so I'm waiting on that one, too.

Wow...what complete craziness...and oh yeah, the new blog makeover is awesome, and coming soon to an infertility blog near you!

PSA: I am in love with my pastor!

Ok, so maybe "in love" isn't quite appropriate, but I do LOOOOVE him! I've been patiently (or impatiently) waiting for weeks to hear anything back from the church about aiding us on our search for an egg donor. I had written to one of the associate pastors asking if she would agree to be our contact person if we were to anonymously "advertise" for a donor & I basically heard NOTHING back (turns out they were waiting to talk to the ministerium attorney, but still - something to tide my patience over would have been nice). Last week, I took matters into my own hands & set up a meeting with the senior pastor to discuss the matter. I met with him today & all of my feelings of frustration melted away...I truly do love that man. He is just so kind and dear...and he "gets" it.

He spent a lot of time asking me questions about the procedure, the far-reaching implications of donating eggs & our "criteria" for the donor. I could tell that he wanted to be sure that we really understood what we were doing & by the end, I think he did. We were both tearing up. At one point, we were discussing adoption vs. doing the study & he said, "Don't even think about money, which is more important to you: just getting a baby to parent or the whole experience (pregnancy)?" and without a second thought, I of course said that the experience of pregnancy has ABSOLUTELY been the hardest part for me to let go of...and he immediately said, "Well then this is what we have to do...we will find you a donor."

Then I mentioned about how we understood that some people may be offended to which he replied, "Well sure, people will be offended, there's always someone who is going to be offended by something, but think of the good that could come from this! Think of the joy that a woman could have knowing that she gave another woman the opportunity to become a mother! This is just such a great opportunity for our church to rally and support each other!" And I just sighed, nodded, and teared up. Wow. He gets it.

So at the end, he prayed with me and said that they will print it in the bulletin this week & he (in his typical diplomatic nature) will make an anonymous announcement at all of the services this weekend & do a bit of tugging on the old heart-strings.

Today is a good day. I just have good feelings about this...He makes me feel all warm & fuzzy inside. And you know what? Today he made me realize that God is there...God is HERE. And instead of making me angry, it actually encouraged me to see this wonderful man of God humbled by the things about God that he doesn't understand. Like why there are tons of bad parents out there who can get pregnant at the drop of a hat & then there's people like us who want it so badly we can taste it, yet we have to jump through hoops. And yet, even a pastor can't understand what God is doing with all of it...but one thing that Pastor D was sure of, we will be blessed through all of this.

And you know what? For once, I agree. I'm in a good place today, where I can see that there's a time for wailing and lamenting about the bad stuff in my life, but I spend way too little time praising God for the good. The good hubby I have, the good job (no matter how frustrating), the good home, the good family, and all around the GOOD people in our lives. I think my hardened heart is finally starting to soften. And you know what else? I think I might cry again in church this week...but for totally different reasons...

Menu Plan Monday

I love doing MPM! I feel like it helps me to organize my week & prep ahead what I need to so that weeknight meals run smoothly...especially since DH coaches basketball & I don't often know until about a half hour ahead of time when he will be home for dinner...

Sunday - Chili & cornbread while watching the games at IL's house
Monday - Steak, Baked Potatoes & green beans (I found a good sale on fresh ones at the store - I am wondering how they will be in the winter time!)
Tuesday - Homemade Stromboli*, using sauce & cheese leftover from making baked ziti at our get-together with friends this weekend.
Wednesday - Family night with ILs
Thursday - Sweet and Sour Chicken (first time trying this one - can't wait!)
Friday - probably go out w/ friends since we are chaperoning an activity night @ DH's school.

*For my strombolis, I simply use thawed bread dough. I stretch/roll it out, then either load half with toppings (pepperoni, turkey pepperoni, cheese, deli ham) or I start at one end, load up a strip with the toppings and then roll until those toppings are covered & repeat. Both ways work great - it just depends on how you like yours!

Wahoo!

In case you haven't heard, I WON!!! Some new digs for the Infertility Chronicles are on the way very soon!! Wahoo!

Preschool funnies

I don't want to run the risk of being nominated for the "Most Depressing Blog on the Web" (see post below), so I thought I would post something a bit more upbeat and funny today...and believe it or not, it comes courtesy of my 3-year-olds! They made me laugh and smile on two separate occasions today...I think I needed some moments like these with this particular group of kids to get me to lighten up and see the good in them...

We were learning about our new shape of the month today, the rectangle. We sang a song about rectangles, looked at a rectangle and talked about its sides and corners, traced & colored a rectangle in our shape books, and then we went on a "Rectangle Hunt" in the classroom. We tiptoed around the room pointing out lots of different classroom objects that were rectangles. I really tried to engage the kids by going a little over-the-top crazy when I got to the bookshelf full of (rectangular) books! I exclaimed, "Oh my goodness boys and girls! I just found a whole shelf full of books that are rectangles!" to which one little boy replies, "Wow, Mrs. S, I am so proud of you!" Too too cute...

Then, after the shape hunt was over, we all went back to sit down on our carpet pieces (I never understood why they called them carpet squares...we call them carpet rectangles!) and one child wouldn't come sit down (you know which one I mean if you've read my blog before). I started doing my count down to give him the opportunity to make the right choice and he still wasn't coming...one of the other boys in the class rolled his eyes and sighed in a "why isn't he listening to the teacher?" kind of way and I looked at the other kids and said, "Goodness, what am I going to do with him?" Without missing a beat, one little girl said, "I think you should send him to jail" and another chimed in, "I think you should throw him in the sink!"

So there you have it...the ultimate punishment...the sink! :) Kids are too funny!

the ups and downs

As you can see from my blog's tag-line, infertility is definitely full of its ups and downs. This week has been no exception.

We continue to search for our egg donor for the embryo biopsy study. As I mentioned before, everyone who has come forward has been too old, too pregnant or too infertile. A former student's mom (who is 36) offered to do it, and when she couldn't, she told her sister about it (also a member of our church), but she's currently BF-ing her 3rd baby, so is therefore not ovulating right now. A second friend from elementary/middle/high school emailed and offered, but she's currently TTC her second & has discovered that she's not ovulating, so that disqualifies her from being a good candidate...It truly is a humbling experience though. It's so amazing to me how many people have come forward and said, "If I wasn't __________, I would absolutely do this for you. I really wish I could." And you know what? I think they really mean it. And that warms my heart. There really are still good people out there. Those are the ups we've been experiencing...

And of course there are the downs, as well...I'm not even really sure how to type this out because I'm still so shocked about it really, but I guess I'll throw it out there...and maybe some feedback from my loyal readers will give me better insight into that which I obviously don't understand.

A few days after we learned about the donor egg study, I emailed one of the pastors of our church (a woman who suffered with infertility herself for 13 years before adopting her son 5 years ago) who is also the leader of the infertility support group at the church. I wrote to ask if she would consider being a contact person when we anonymously put a request for an egg donor volunteer in the church bulletin. The church often uses the bulletin to post for people who are in need of jobs, cars to borrow for work, or even a hospital bed for someone on bed rest.

Why would I think this need would be any different? Well, apparently it is. Because it has been over a month and still, nothing has been printed in the bulletin and all I have heard back from this pastor (twice) is, "We've (all of the pastors) been discussing what to do about this, since it is such a sensitive area." and, "Well.....I don't know yet. Have you tried looking at colleges and universities for a donor?" Both of these statements have done nothing but INFURATE G & me. Am I wrong to feel this way? I mean, I just don't understand...this is supposed to be our safe haven. Our place to go for help. And here we are, nothing short of begging, and our own church isn't willing to help us. I mean, granted, they haven't told us no, but I just don't understand.

First of all, the whole "sensitive" comment doesn't make an ounce of sense to me. This situation isn't any more sensitive for anyone than US. WE are the ones putting ourselves out there and shouting to the world, "Hey look at me! We're infertile!" Seriously, would it offend you to see that advertised in your church bulletin?

And secondly, I absolutely cannot believe that she would even THINK of suggesting that we search colleges and universities for an egg donor. The whole point of asking at the church was to give us a bit of control over our clientele. We want someone with a vested interest in helping someone else...not a vested interest in making a few extra bucks to pay tuition. I mean, who's to say that our college donor wasn't out drinking and doing drugs while growing our eggs? Even as a responsible college student, I know that I never could have understood how much the gift of egg donation would have meant to an infertile couple, so for the pastor to even SUGGEST it just totally upsets me. I even just put our request on a prayer card with, "Prayers for an infertile couple seeking an egg donor" and they won't even print that in the bulletin...I seriously have sat through the past two church services and cried and cried...

So maybe I'm being overly sensitive & please feel free to call me out on it....but I just know that this situation has made me look at our church (which I hold so near and dear) in a completely different way. I feel like so many bridges have been burned by what should have been an amazing opportunity for us, and an amazing opportunity for the church to fill this miraculous need for us...this down is a pretty low one...

blog design giveaway!

I am in dire need of a blog makeover...if you are, too, then check out this contest! There's a button in my sidebar, as well!!

Still searching...

Since several of you have been asking (via blog comments or my facebook), I will tell you that we've really made no headway in our search for an egg donor. Multitudes of gracious women have come forth to offer their eggs, but to no avail...everyone is either too old or too pregnant (LOL)...we continue to search and pray.

We are currently in the midst of our prep cycle for the study. The prep cycle consists (mostly) of the latter-portion of an IVF cycle. Basically, I will suppress using lupron (which is actually an early-stage IVF thing) to make sure my lining is fully gone & starting at square one, then I will start taking progesterone and estrogen supplements to thicken my lining. Their goal is to make sure they're using the best mix of meds possible to make my lining nice and plump (ie - cozy for those little embies that will hopefully settle in). Normally, they don't do a prep-cycle with birth control pills, but since my body is STILL all screwed up from that suspected endometrioma (the cause of my 72 day long cycle), they put me on the pill to regulate me out...I was supposed to get bloodwork done on January 2nd (CD 21), but couldn't because AF showed up early and, Jan 2nd ended up being CD2 instead! The nurse doesn't want that to happen again, so now they're controlling my cycles with BCP so that I can make it to CD21 for bloodwork.

While emailing with the nurse about my prep-cycle instructions, she let me know that my TSH (thyroid) level came back "slightly elevated," to which I mentally replied, "OH Dear Lord, for the love of Pete!" (whoever Pete is). Seriously? What is my body thinking now? Let's just throw another whacked-out number into the mix & see if the doctors can figure out how to handle yet ANOTHER curve ball in this 28-year-old medical anomaly body of mine. Seriously...I guess I shouldn't be too surprised though since TSH issues run in my family (brother, mom, cousins, aunt, grandparents)...but honestly, I just want to cry if they tell me something ELSE is wrong with me...

Two days back to work under my belt and all is well. I'm actually counting down the days until my ultrasound & b/w on the 23rd so that I can have a day off. With all of my frustrations with work lately, I have decided that if I need u/s & b/w, I will not be rushing around to get back to work afterwards. It's just too stressful and at this point, I need all the de-stressing I can get...especially when you consider that when this DE cycle does come about, this may very well be our best and last chance at ever having a biological (for G) child.

We're also discussing the possiblity of going down to Fl over Presidents' Day weekend (our 11 yr old nephew's baseball team is supposed to be going down for a few games) and also a vacation of some sort for our 5th anniversary. The thought of either of these makes me all giddy! :)

Please continue to pray for everything...

Recovery...

Right now, I'm in recovery mode. After dealing with Christmas festivities for work, then for family & then SIL's wedding on NYE all in a row, I can honestly say that I don't feel like I've had much of a break and I'm NOT ready to go back to work on Monday AT ALL.

Regardless, we had a great time this break!! G & I both had appointments today for blood-draws at the RE. Neither of us passed out (well, really he was the only concern), so we're very relieved/proud about that!! Now we just need to find that donor & we are good to go! Please! Help us get this show on the road!

Hopefully posts will become more frequent very soon once I get back into my normal work routine!

Here are some pics from Christmas, the rehearsal dinner & the wedding! Enjoy!

Christmas Eve before church

The annual "driving to central PA on Christmas morning" shot (notice my unsightly lack of makeup and hairstyling that morning)! Hey, who's watching the road anyway?

Christmas night at my parents' house (in our new sweatshirts!)
The obligatory "under the mistletoe" picture
G & his two favorite girls, my cousin Jenna & me at my family's Christmas party
The cake that our awesome neighbor made for the rehearsal dinner!

G & I with our "sons," Jeff & David at the rehearsal dinner
G & I at the rehearsal dinner

Me with nieces Caroline (junior bridesmaid), Brigid & Kathryn in the party bus!
G & I dancing the night away (we clean up pretty good, huh??)!

Menu Plan Monday

Not much for a menu plan here since it's Christmas week, but we'll give it a go...


Monday - Homemade Chicken Noodle Soup! Mmmm Mmmm Good!
Tuesday - DH's extended family Christmas party, I'm making buffalo chicken dip (see recipe below)
Wednesday - Christmas Eve with DH's family friends - I might be making Spinach Dip (see recipe below)
Thursday - Christmas Day! Breakfast w/ ILs & then late lunch at my grandmother's house
Friday - Low-key at my parents' house - probably take out
Saturday - My extended family Christmas party - I'm making baked brie & chicken & rice casserole (see those recipes below, too!)

Buffalo Chicken Dip
1. Preheat the oven to 425
2. Boil & shred 3-4 chicken breasts (or just use a pre-cooked rotisserie chicken & shred all of that up)
3. In a bowl, stir together chicken, 2 bricks cream cheese (softened), 1 small bottle chunky bleu cheese dressing and 1/2 to 1 cup hot sauce depending on how hot you like it (I use Texas Pete or Crystal's).
4. Spray a baking dish with cooking spray & pour in the chicken mixture. Bake for 20 minutes or until golden and bubbly.
5. Serve with tortilla scoops, crackers or pita/bagel chips!
6. Be prepared to give the recipe out to practically everyone you encounter! (This keeps great in a mini crock-pot, although I find that mine doesn't last long enough for it to get cold! It's devoured as soon as it hits the table!)

Spinach Dip
1. In a bowl, combine 1 box frozen spinach (thawed and drained well), 1 8oz. container of cream cheese, 1 packet of dry vegetable soup mix (Knorr's is what I use), and 1 cup mayo.
2. Chill for at least an hour for flavors to meld.
3. Serve with bread chunks, from a hollowed-out wheel of pumpernickel or rye!

Baked Brie
1. Take 3 sheets of thawed Phyllo dough & spray lightly with cooking spray (to prevent drying out), stack them one on top of the other.
2. Sprinkle a few tablespoons of brown sugar in the center of the Phyllo (in about the same diameter as the wheel of brie), sprinkle on some sliced almonds.
3. Place the wheel of brie on the brown sugar & almonds, & then place more brown sugar and almonds on top.
4. Fold the sides of the Phyllo around the brie & then carefully flip it over onto the baking sheet (seam side down).
5. Bake at 350 for about 15 minutes (until Phyllo is golden)
6. Serve with crackers or bagel chips

Chicken & Rice Bake (pot-luck style)
This is a recipe I found online, but modified it to make it more potluck-worthy, as it started out using whole pieces of chicken (on the bone) to feed a family of 4. Hubby is in LOVE with this rice and I will admit that it is one of my favorites, as well.
1. In a large casserole dish, melt a stick and a half of butter (in the oven) while preheating your oven to 350
2. Once the butter is melted, add to that 3 cups of rice, 3 packets of Lipton onion soup mix and 3 cans (10.5 oz, I think) of (hot) chicken broth. Stir to combine.
3. Cut 3 chicken breasts into smallish chunks & add these into the chicken mixture.
4. Cover and cook for one hour, or until chicken is cooked and rice is tender.

Merry Christmas to you & yours! Please see my Sharing Christmas post & I hope you'll link up to my friend's post to share your home's Christmas! God Bless!